Published January 2, 2015
Lately I've seen a lot of cliche
(and this is cliche just telling you)
I see a lot of timers
With want attached to them
(would hourglass ring a bell?)
__________________________________
I see same old rhyming schemes
(glow throw bled red)
And half tried stanzas
About a lost love
(and knives through hearts)
__________________________________
Songs about what we did
(Last Friday Night)
And how we like our woman
with an extra wide timer
(don't forget about the breasts)
__________________________________
Poetry about computers
(and their electric hearts)
How my ipod killed him
and how I refuse to buy one
(but I'll still text and drive)
__________________________________
I see skinned ribs
(with the heart still beatin)
with rough raw skin clinging
and blood staining the bones red
(like that flower he gave her beforehand)
__________________________________
I hear songs about animals
(mals mals)
And how I'll hunt you down
out of passion
(just to eat you alive)
__________________________________
And there is the simple Wanderer
(through life)
Who wants to live life
but negativity gets in the way
(of a great journey)
__________________________________
__________________________________
A/N: "Animal" Lyrics from Maroon 5, and a reference to Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)", also, have a cookie! -gives cookie-
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,820 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Aouther2b here and excited to review!
What I liked:
1. The interpretation of the idea. You acknowledge in the beginning that what you're writing about are the cliches you see now, and that this poem in itself is a cliche. I actually don't think it is a cliche, it is very unique and different. I like it because it is a new way to look at things.
2. The references. I like the ones you selected because they not only give support to the idea you are putting out but they add something special to the piece.
What I didn't like:
1. The structure/flow. Now you are right to say as a poet grammar can be tossed out the window. But when you do that, so can some of the understanding of the piece. It can be distracting if something is spelled wrong or in the wrong place. A misplaced punctuation can disrupt the flow of a piece. In your case the lines breaking up each stanza make me loose pieces of this, not being able to tie them together very easily. And having those parenthesis around every other line (while consistent) is sometimes hindering the understanding of the piece.
Overall:
I think that this a good piece. You know how to put your ideas out so that we can see what we have become as writers. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you got some help from reading my review. Great Job and Keep Writing.
This is m first review too.
I think this was a good poem just a few spelling/grammar errors like iPod and beating'. Over all it was a good poem. I like the side notes in() which were almost like in Rudolph the red nose reindeer when they added random phrases. Also the meaning if you think of it is very deep.
Grammar in poetry is allowed to be thrown out the window... It's poetry.
Hello~!
But if you did intentionally put "beatin", then you would add an apostrophe at the end of the word.
(I'm new here, so if this review is bad, I'm sorry! ^^')
Well. This poem is quite interesting. There are only a couple errors I saw.
"(With the heart still beatin)"
Unless you wanted beatin' intentionally, it would be "beating".
"How my ipod killed him"
When you put "ipod", it should really be iPod. (Capitalize the "P" ^^) Other than that, this is a very interesting poem.
I really was intrigued by the line, "I see skinned ribs". I loved it.
Overall, great poem! Keep writing!
Have a great day!
~Kortez
Actually, a quick tip, in poetry ALL grammar rules are allowed to go OUT the window.
Thanks though!