Young Writers Society

Wow thanks everyone

Your poem is awesome apart from some minor spelling mistakes.... tolled and ting..... but other than that i loved your poem I think it is awesome!! I think you should definitely write more you've got a natural talent.

I agree some things should remain a mystery always keep em guessing! lol your first poem? where have you been? haha jk You should keep on writing because its obvious that you have talent. Nice play on the words.

Don't explain anything. It's perfect. Besideds the errors. But I think you did a wonderful job conveying your point. Awesomeness for your first try!!! Very well done.

Answer to most questions: I have no idea

Why does she have a wild look in her eye?
It's very important to inclue detail like that.
Also, why did she attract you?
Why did she not love you back?
etc.
Punctuation would be nice.
Grammer/spelling check would be nice.

Thanks for the reveiws,

I will definatly edit this,

but i might not post it anytime soon

I thought overall this was pretty good. You might want to watch your rhyming and also watch how the verses flow. You did a fairly good job for making it all flow together, especially for a first attempt. I thought it was a really good poem. For future reference, it might also be a good idea to watch how long the different lines are and how they go together. Sometimes, it helps the poem work better if the lines are at a similair length. I have problems with this stuff, too, so maybe I don't know much of what I'm talking about. Just some suggestions.

The ryhmning really detracted from the rest of the poem, but it was good. I noticed a few spelling errors (told, not tolled, what is a ting?) . This would be better with punctuation, too, at least a period at the end of ever sentance. The one other thing I found was the line "my life was over..." seems out of place with the rest.

I dunno mabe poems arent exactly my strong point but u never know

How cute is this?!

I loved it. This was a very a very good attempt at poetry... I find it hard to be mean. This is a very cliche subject, but there's something about this that makes me love it and not go "Bleh, it's another one!".

I agree with Sunshine with her nitpicks and overall impression: this is very entertaining and delightful. But you do need to work on spelling and puncuation.

Well, that's all from me. Will I be seeing you again?

This was actually... It stunned me because I liked it so much. I'm not a fan of those long poems, and expecially not those that are like.. rather long but this really kept me reading and I think you found a great idea here - not very original but all the more delightful.

A few pointers though;

"For that was when I saw a ting" I dont know if this was a typo or not, or whether you were writing in an accent, so you should either change it to "thing" or "t'ing", just so the read knows. I loved the first two lines of your poem - that flow was spot on!

"Suddenly the day was lighter... And the sun shined all the brighter" This kind of got jumbled about with a lack of syllables to make it fit in with the rest of the flow, so I think you need to add a couple more to the first line of this stanza.

"Alongside the girl with the wild look in her eye" in the last lines of each of your stanzas, where you mention this wild look, you tend to have crammed too many syllables for it to work with the flow and rhythm of the poem. I think you need to look this over.

"She never tolled me" You made a typo here; "tolled" should be told. I think you make this twice

This was a good piece, but it's lacking on punctuation. You need to add some here and there to give the poem those pauses that make it seem more theatrical and worthwhile to read. I'd give you pointers, but this is also, not my strong point. Other than that, op marks!

Happy writing!