removed because it was very bad
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
OK will relook at it knew something was wrong with it thanks
I liked it, for two minutes. If you had waited a bit longer, I bet it would have been better.
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To sum it up, that first line was awkward. Maybe you can fix it some how.
Also, trying to describe the pain more is a good idea. Try making me feel like I am feeling it too.
Plus, did you do the 'Cos thing on purpose? I don't think that is a word (hold on while I check)
Yep, it's not. At least according to my computer. Changing that to cause would probably be the best.
I liked the idea though. Try it again (maybe in less than two mintues this time
Well. It's not bad for two minutes, but
honestly..
it's not good.
This line is not a strong opening. The writing is awkward, and the concept of arrow through heart has been used over and over.
What kind of pain is it? Physical? Emotional? Why are you feeling it? Just saying "I feel pain" is too vague.
Sorry, I'm a grammar nazi: you meant glad, right? and 'cos is not a word--if you don't want to use 'because' at least use 'cause'. Also, because the first line is so long, it might fit better if these to lines were combined.
I thought you were being shot with arrows? And I'm not sure 'rent' is the right word to use. And again, because the first line is so long, it's awkward to read it with the rhyming next line. It would be pretty easy to shorten it: "You have pierced my heart" or something.
Again the vague pain. It wasn't very good the first time, so I'm still not feeling it.
And more repetition. Some repetition is good, to tie the poem together, but this one simply does not have enough substance--from this stanza, two lines were a little bit different and then the next three were exactly the same.
This I like. The meter or beat is great: I say it in my head and can hear it like MY boDY rots MY blood RUNS cold etc. That's good.
Oh no! This doesn't work. It feels too dramatic (along with the first two verses). Obviously you're writing about love, but it's really vague. And in this part the punctuation doesn't work--if you read it normally it's But I cannot die. For you are the one... The second part is a fragment. I would suggest nothing there, not even a comma--let the line break do it's work. This goes for the rest of the poem as well. I noticed you use a lot of "..."s, which takes away from the words. You don't need the dot dot dots to emphasize your work. When poetry is read, a line break indicates a pause anyway.
I think if you keep working on it it can be good. But right now it is way to vague for readers to be interested and it lacks a lot of substance and leaves me like, "huh?" And if you are going to use tired cliches, like the arrows, BE CONSISTENT WITH THEM!!
Hope I wasn't too harsh