I tried typing this up last night, but I never got to finishing it. I'll try again, then!
Many hours later, Gideon awoke in a cold sweat. The room was cold, the digital fire, [no comma] nothing more than hot coals by now. A cold wind blew [s]threw[/s] through the house, its cold fingers gripping everything and everyone. Its cold fingers pinched his nose, sending shivers through his system. Gideon sat up in the couch, knocking the book off [s]of[/s] his lap. His door was open just a notch, [no comma] but just a notch more than he left it.
Underlined: New metaphor! ^_^ The repetition is annoying.
By the way, when Gideon was at the hospital in the previous part, the fire was burning [because he came home to a burning fireplace]. Why would it die now?
He stood up, quickly shutting the door, his eyes [s]quickly[/s] examining the room, looking for anything out of place. His hand immediately reached to his blade as he checked the back room, [period instead] finding nothing out of place, he relaxed.
[New paragraph]
Gideon stumbled over to the couch, [no comma] when he noticed, [no comma] something was out of place. Upon one of his books, high up on his bookcase, was a mug he had never seen before, [period instead] It was white covered with small black beads, [no comma] and seemed so [s]very[/s] out of place in his house.
Gideon shrugged. [s]maybe[/s] Maybe it was [s]just[/s] something he had stolen many years ago, and he had [s]just[/s] forgotten about it. Looters did end up with some awkward junk lying around their houses. Gideon stretched and yawned, trying to push the sleepiness out of his head. He tossed on his trench coat, [no comma] and stepped outside into the [s]lightly[/s] dangling fog. It was cool, [no comma] and dark outside, just enough to make Gideon feel at home.
[New paragraph]
He walked outside, inhaling the cool air, the nearby street lamp flickering on and off, much like a spotlight. He turned, [s]quickly feelings[/s] feeling eyes upon the back of his neck, [semi instead] no one, however, was there. Just the empty street.
[New paragraph]
He walked out into the road, alone, as he was forced to remind himself. He checked his maps, with hundreds of buildings crossed off. Each "x" was a building already raided and rid of any valuable belongings.
[New paragraph]
He wandered through the empty streets of London, searching for a house he had not yet emptied, and he couldn't bear to steal from people who still lived in their houses, so his only options were the abandoned houses. Luckily for Gideon, most of the houses in the city were. Gideon found himself on Westminster bridge, quite close to the place he had found Ada just a night before.
Underlined: What was he reminding himself? That he was walking alone? Why? I didn't much like this part.
It stopped humming, but [s]quietly,[/s] Gideon could hear in the distance an identical hum.
"Alright, who's there?" Gideon said, trying to steady his voice, fear making him shake. "Show yourself!"
[New paragraph]
[s]Suddenly[/s] an arrow whizzed by his head, burying itself behind him. A robot, the size of a large beagle, buzzed, squirmed, and screamed as its energy was robbed from it by the arrow. It looked [s]something[/s] like a scorpion with a tail, [s]and[/s] stinger, [s]to match[/s] and all.
Gideon pivoted on his heel, swooping his blade up in one hand, holding it at the ready. "Show Yourself!" [s]He[/s] he yelled again, this time more courageously than his first attempt. Much to Gideon's dismay a girl stepped out of the shadows. He lowered his blade to his side. He was expecting some large bulky men most likely henchmen to some evil villain, not [s]such[/s] a petit and attractive 20-year-old girl. "Who are you! [question mark instead]" [s]He[/s] he called, raising his sword back to his side.
Never judge a book by its cover. [comma instead] Gideon reminded himself.
Join this with the previous paragraph.
The girl spoke [s]back, [/s]calmly, her voice soothing, [period instead] [s] warm and kind.[/s]
"My name is Cameron Britt. I need you to come with me."
Too many adjectives at the end of that sentence. And wasn't the girl under drugs and sleepy and stuff? Secondly, join these two together in one paragraph.
She grabbed his arm and hurried him along behind her, [no comma] like a stubborn puppy.
"I don't want to go with you. For all I know, [s]your[/s] you're going to try and kill me again!" Gideon said, out of breath, [s]digging his heels into the road, making her come to an abrupt stop[/s] stopping abruptly.
Short and sweet.
"I promise we won't," she said, [no comma] gently [s]and soothingly,[/s] period instead] "We have no intentions of hurting you. We're trying to protect you. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said.
Gideon had had it up to his eyeballs with "we's" [no apostrophe] and "Thems" [don't capitalize].
Cameron sighed, and after inspecting the road for anyone who might be listening, leaned closely to Gideon and whispered in his ear. [comma instead] "We," she said, [s]emphasing[/s] emphasizing the word, "are the rebellion."
Gideon was [s]stood still, [/s]dumbfounded. The rebellion had fallen apart 7 years ago! Gideon let her lead him blindly, [period instead] [s]suddenly[/s] Now Gideon wanted to know a lot more about the beautiful yet deadly Cameron and her associates she was referring to as the rebellion. They walked for hours, Gideon's boots clacking on the road, Cameron floating silently.
Now Gideon wanted to know a lot more? I found that a bit sudden. And why not type out seven? You typed out nearly every other number, if not every number. Consistency. ^_^
"Here," [s]She[/s] she said, turning directly into what looked like a solid building.
From this side, it was completely invisible, much like the prehistoric one-way glass that made his windows. Gideon turned around [s]after as he thought[/s], figuring out the hologram. They were in a back alley, [no comma] with nothing but a few, [no comma] trash cans and a dumpster.
"So," Gideon said, looking for the right words. "[s]this[/s] This is it."
"You are a slow learner. Nothing is as it seems. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said gently, hitting the dumpster she was leaning against. It quietly slid open, much like the doors in the hospital, revealing a stairway to somewhere far below. She started descending, Gideon racing after her, [period instead] [s]afraid the doors might shut.[/s] [s]Gideon[/s] He caught up with her, and the doors slid silently shut, leaving them in pure darkness. Gideon clung tightly to the handrail, afraid he would miss a step as he silently followed Cameron down the stairs. "This," she said, flicking a light switch at the bottom of the stairwell, "is 'it'."
In front of them was a heavy metal door with a number pad on it. Cameron typed in some sort of code and the door slid open. "Good evening, Cameron. [comma instead]" [s]The[/s] the door said, revealing a marvelous wide open room. "Headquarters to the rebellion. [comma instead]" Cameron said, taking off her coat, [no comma] andhanging it on the rack next to the door. Gideon walked in, [no comma] and was absorbed in heat. He, too, took off his coat, putting it on the rack. "Carlos likes it hot. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said.
The room was gorgeous, mirrored tiles covering the floor, the ceiling a snow white. "Time for the grand tour. [comma instead]" Cameron said, taking Gideon's hand again. "This is our 'quickbay'. We use it as a meeting room, an emergency room in case we need intimidate attention, and as a place to just hang out. This is also as far as we take our new visitors. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, roughly throwing him in a chair, pulling a knife out of her boot. "Alright everyone; he's here." An assortment of people entered, all from different doors.
Underlined: Not only here, but the entire paragraph. This is all the description you're going to give? If you're taking to the time to show the MC the rooms, why not the reader?
"I'm sorry, Gideon, but we have to make sure you don't work for them. [comma instead]" Cameron said, sincerity in her voice. One of the taller men stepped forward, [dash instead] a very outdated robot following behind him. "This is our Doctor. He's going to give you a mind scan, [no comma] and check to see if your bugged."
[New paragraph]
The man gave a polite nod to Cameron, and stepped forward. The robot followed, opening up into an assortment of medical tools. The doctor picked up a compact X-ray machine and held the sign without a screen up to his ears, eyes, and stomach.
"Well, he's clean of bugs. No one's watching or listening in on us." He set the machine down, [no comma] and picked up an object Gideon didn't recognized. "[s]Well this[/s] This will hurt just a little, more than a needle but less than paying your taxes. [comma instead]" [s]The[/s] the man, [no comma] said, laughing at his own humor. [He's such a nerd.. ] No one else found it very funny.
[New paragraph]
He put the domed object to the back of Gideon's head. Gideon listened as it hummed to life, much like his sword. For all he knew it could be some sort of weapon. He looked around at the faces, none of them any bit friendly. He looked to Cameron, who was watching, [no comma] with a pained expression on her face. Gideon was getting nervous, afraid of what could happen. [s]the suddenly, he[/s] He suddenly felt [s]to[/s] two small needles pierce into the back of his head, [no comma] and send him a quick jolt. Afterwards, Gideon saw nothing but a white light, felt himself pass out, onto the floor, and the needles remove themselves from his skull. So far, things didn't seem all that great about the rebellion.
Underlined: Way to drag out the suspense! Lol! Shorten it up and let the reader use their imagination. Get rid of so much description here and add some description elsewhere.
Gideon awoke after what felt like a minute [s]later[/s] back in his own home, a book upon his lap, his digital fireplace roaring. Gideon sighed, [period instead] it was only a dream [Italics here? It's his thought...] . He sat up and inspected the room. Something was terribly wrong. Everything was so normal, [no comma] but felt so different. It was his room, [semi instead] everything was in place. Gideon stood up and looked on his bookshelf for the mysterious cup that turned his good day bad. It was missing. Gideon stood up and walked to his door. Something else was wrong there too. His doorknob was missing! He knocked on the door, and [s]silently it[/s] it silently slid open. Terrified, Gideon stepped outside into the bright light. It wasn't a dream. The rebellion was real.
Why'd he inspect his room? To him, he's back at home. So there's no need to inspect if he's home, sweet home. If I fell asleep on the couch and my dad carried me up to bed, I'd wake up in the morning, but I wouldn't inspect my room.
And what was going through his mind to make him check for that mug? He said himself that it was nothing to worry about; he was a Looter, and Looters don't always remember what they've looted. What drove him to check it?
Here he could block out all of the strange things happening to him, [no comma] and just pretend nothing had happened.
"I'm sorry things are so rushed for you. [s]With[/s] most of us [s]we[/s] were given the the option of joining the rebellion."
"Then why was it different for me?!" Gideon asked.
Overreaction much? Don't have that exclamation point. That exaggerates his exclamation, but it's probably safer to have the reader use their imagination at this point.
"They had already mugged you. If we let you go back home for the night, they would have killed you in your sleep. [comma instead]" Cameron said, sitting [s]on[/s] in a wooden chair next to the digital fireplace.
"Mugged? They? You people need to start explaining things!" Gideon yelled[Uh.. close space? Lol], frustrated.
She shushed him [s]unto he was calm again[/s]. "'They,' as I have referred to them many times [s]as[/s] before, are the government. We are the rebellion against our unfair government. I'll explain why in just a moment. When I say mugged, that means that they had planted a camera in your house. it probably looked something like this. [comma instead]" [s]She[/s] she said, holding up the black and white mug Gideon had found in his house just the other day.
He sighed, [period or semi instead] it felt so long ago when he was comfortably sleeping in his own house the night before.
Cameron laughed. "You, and I, have been breaking an unwritten law for many years. The government hates people like you and me. We stand for everything they oppose. Allow me to explain, [semi instead] it was quite confusing the first time I heard it too.
[New paragraph]
"The government works like a nursery. [semi instead] [s]Every [/s] every person is a baby [s]they[/s] the government [s]are[/s] is required to put to sleep. Sleeping for them is with these reality machines that almost everyone has plugged themselves into. Once they enter the alternate reality, the government pollutes their minds with so much garbage that they never want to leave their perfect [s]safe[/s] little worlds. Those people are the babies who have already fallen asleep. You and I, [no comma] are the rowdy ones who [s]won;t[/s] won't listen. The government hates us for not being plugged in. Since we aren't plugged in, we can still cause problems. [colon instead] [s]Create[/s] create new ideas. [comma instead] [s]Get[/s] get rid of them. [dash instead] [s]And[/s] and they are terrified by it. Luckily for them , with all the garbage they've put in the sleepers' heads, they can kill us, and it won't make a difference to them. It would be as if we never existed."
Between this paragraph and the next, I want more dramatic pause. I want to see Gideon take in all this information and organize his thoughts. Doing this creates more suspense for the reader, plus the reader can organize their thoughts as well, so they will know what is happening in the story.
She paused letting it all sink in. "They think you and I know too much about the real world, that its too late to still tuck us in. Even if you did decide to plug yourself in, Gideon, they'd still come for you, and you'd still end up dead. You're only safe with us, [no comma] here, [no comma] in the rebellion. We're still giving you the option. If you want to forget about what I've said and try to go back to your normal life, be our guest. We won't be at your funeral, though. I'll give you some time to think things over."
Do I really have a choice? [s]He[/s] he thought to himself. He didn't like the idea the government was using. It was against everything they stood for! They were why so many people were dying everyday and not realizing it, locking themselves up in their houses. Gideon had seen it before. It was his one of his first times, robbing a house, and it was occupied.
[New paragraph]
A man and his daughter were inside, both sitting in leaned back recliners, machines covering their heads, tubes in their mouths. A cat sat upon the girls chest, its feces all over the father. Neither of them reacting at all.
[New paragraph]
Gideon crept closer, [no comma] to get a closer look. Yes, they were both breathing, but he couldn't call it living. He flicked the girl, [dash instead] no reaction. He grabbed their pots and pans, clapping them in their ears. No reaction. He could have raped the girl, beat up the father, and neither of them would react at all. They were dead in his book. Lifeless figures just moving through the motions of life, [no comma] instead of living. Maybe the rebellion could change that? Gideon thought. He sat alone in his room contemplating for a long time. [dash instead] [s]Possibly[/s] possibly hours. Finally another knock came at his bathroom door.
"Yes. [comma instead]" Gideon replied somberly. "I want to stay. I want to fight."
Cameron's mouth cracked into a smile, [no comma] of almost pure happiness.
I'll post my final comments of your chapter in the next part when I get to it.
Jabber, the One and Only!
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