Love:
Great men have come and gone in your name,
From the likes of Jesus to Valentino.
I've heard stories of how men never remain the same
after meeting you in your full vesage.
Stories of how you gave them excitement everyday
And showed them the true purpose of that beating part in their chests.
For sum you are said to be more addictive than heroine crack and cocaine put together,
And still to sum they choose to pretend that you don't exist.
You see, it is them whom I don't want to be like.
It is them, that when faced with the slide show of their lives
Wear the expression, if only, I could have, I should have.
I want to live life dictated by the way it feels.
Where each decision is a product of the moment.
She taught me that.
Some time not so long ago
I remember being just a lonely boy, scared of being alone
Lost inside my personal web of dreams
Wondering if they'd ever be true,
Secretively praying to my god
Asking him to send me someone like you.
And when she came, my cowardly ways got the better of me.
I didn't believe I deserved the pleasure of sharing the same air as she.
And that summer night she chose to share her heart with me
A shining light came into my life, the impossible became possible.
And a vision entered my dreams. A vision of us
In our death bed, lying in each others arms as Mr and Mrs
and the cause of death:
LOVE!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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129,275 Literary Works • 671,501 Reviews
Hello! I just wanted to say that I was touched by this poem because I was born on St. Valentine's Day!~
Nah, jk, I'm here to review. (I actually WAS born on February 14th, though) All right, so I'm going to be swift and deadly here! First off, I love the Christian religious references, the grammar is pristine and the form is perfect. The imagery and metaphors are top-notch, as well!
I guess that's all I can say about this poem, since I found nothing that stood out as "could be better". If anything, I'd like to bring up the curiosity: "How did love kill this Mr. and Mrs.?"
With that curiosity, I leave you to continue the final stretch of my reviewing spree. Take care, have fun, and remember, practice is key!
I thought this piece was really lovely. You have a great start to draw your reader in with "Great men have come and gone in your name, From the likes of Jesus to Valentino." But I had a few nitpicks. In line three you repeat "men" from line one. You could replace it with "they". Also in line five, you could take out "part" and it would flow a little nicer. And in line six and seven you spelled some "sum." Like I said, nitpicks. I thought this piece was very well written!
Keep up the good work! You've got some talent!!
Hello.
MarS
To start off with, I'll only say: that's LOVEly.
It gave me a feeling of reading archaic poems, though it was certainly not of that sort. But I just mean the presentation gives that impression.
I liked how you started:
" Great men have come and gone in your name,
From the likes of Jesus to Valentino."
Nice.
You did a splendid job.
Impressive.