Young Writers Society

Hey Rubric, nice going here, this is really really good. Once again I have to comment on your amazing writing style, you have serious talent. Dont ever stop writing!

I couldn't really see anything that hadnt already been picked up by your previous reviews, except for one thing;

Instinctive movement warred with an impression of ancient disuse, only moments old.

In a single moment, I became a self.

Hey Rubric! Thought I should check this out.
Here's my crit key:
Red = Comments
Bold = Words I've inserted that I think could work better
Blue = if I don't feel like using red.
Anyway, here we go!

Rubric wrote:Hey this is largely inspired by the monster's narrative in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein. I'm rapidly developing the idea of having it as the beginning of a mildly dystopian fantasy world, replacing science with magic as the monster's catalyst. This passage is largely about the first few moment's of a new life, the juxtoposition of adult body and unused senses: so I really have no Idea what I'm doing......





“Simulacrum nosrenu pes reannes fritol raeveren”

A sensation of light.The [s]A[/s] sudden exposure to colours and shades and the I inserted the other the for parallelism ability to experience one’s surroundings; this is what first struck me. Shapes were indistinct, sounds and smells were nothing more than phantasms; ungraspable and unrecogniseable[s]d[/s]. Again, parallelism

A sense of self, of physical presence, echoed moments later by a feeling of restraint and binding. Spirals of awareness worked their way up carved legs, down wrought arms. Instinctive movement warred with an impression of ancient disuse, only moments old. Okay, so first you say one, then you say I, and then you're back to the narrating voice. For starters I would take out any reference to yourself as being present until the next paragraph because your MC doesn't seem to realize the stuff he is talking about is happening to himself (if that makes any sense). Group together the stuff that say "A sense of" and stuff like it and then the next part you can start using I. I'll put what I think it should look like below in italics:

A sensation of light. Shapes were indistinct, sounds and smells were nothing more than phantasms; ungraspable and unrecogniseable. A sense of self, of physical presence, echoed moments later by a feeling of restraint and binding. Sprials of awareness worked their way up carved legs, down wrought arms. Instinctive movements warred with an impression of ancient disus, only moments old. Then go into the next paragraph. I think it would be much stronger this way.

In a single moment, I became a self. I saw through eyes and sensed through body. My vision was dominated by a figure, intoning loudly and quickly. His robes were of the colour of the stones on which I stood, his feet [s]were[/s] clad in the shade of my bindings. The figure’s head was find another word You are repeating dominated from the previous sentence [s]dominated[/s] by the colour of the illuminative source in the otherwise darkened room.

Those bindings; unnatural and yet ever-present, held [s]before[/s] my struggling limbs. The sounds this man made [s]was making [/s]became louder, his gesticulations more aggressive and erratic. For an instant I felt cowed, before beginning my struggles anew. The movement was uncomfortable, but the desire for freedom, the very idea [s]of[/s] which I could barely fathom, overrode it. This world of mine: these bindings, this man, his voice, and the dimly lit room, seemed both insignificant and all-consuming.

The material that tied me to the surface at my back gave way. The voice grew terrified, and its owner [s]man[/s] flung himself to the floor and out of my view. All around me was clutter [s]and dim light[/s], but to the side of this prison lay a plane of darkness. I shambled toward it.

The control of my limbs was unsophisticated and untried, but as I traced my fingers along the cool, clear surface, I could already feel my faculties being brought into line. The man was behind me again, spitting words without meaning, but he drew no attention from me. My fingers were drawn into a fist and hurled against the unmarred plane, to cacophonous results. I'm confused what he's doing. Is he hitting the wall?? be more specific of what plane he is flinging his fists against.

The view without was ineffable in size and liberating in darkness. The dimly lit confines at my back were my first experience of being, and I found them not to my liking. There was something reassuring in this unknown darkness, this unspoken promise to my yearning senses.

I stepped from the window and fell into the night.

Wow. You certainly have a knack for poetic description. It was all very, very visceral.
It must have been hard, to describe something that is totally alien to you...Well, of course you must have experienced it but nobody can recall their first moments.

The narration was extremely well crafted, and it really drew me in. The scene was all encompassing - you didn't miss a trick in this passage. I got a total and complete insight into what your character was thinking, and feeling.

I only wish there was more of this, for me to read... Will there me more chapters?

I'm sorry I couldn't give you more critique...But there wasn't really anything wrong with it, as far as I could see.

Love
Kris

Hmm. Very good I'd say. Your unique style of writing makes this piece awesome. The whole sensory overload described in a few paragraphs ^.^ I found a few things that I think were a bit off so this is what I think!

A sensation of light. A sudden exposure to colours and shades and the ability to experience one’s surroundings; this is what first struck me.

A sense of self, of physical presence, echoed moments later by a feeling of restraint and binding.

In a single moment, I became a self.

This world of mine: these bindings, this man, his voice, and the dimly lit room, seemed both insignificant and all-consuming.