Published October 25, 2008
A world where an apology replaces a greeting, where the accidental locking of gazes is judged too great an intrusion; this is the world we live in. A world where relationships are born barren, soured by the preconceptions of those that stumble into them. There is no need for angry sneers to be worn anymore, though many are. To drive someone away all that is required is a smile.
The right kind of smile.
We have come to fear embarrassment and so, like turtles, we hide within our shells to protect our necks, our dignity. It is in the unknown that we are made fools of, through acting rashly and in conditions we do not control. We fear mystery and secrets, hushed conversations behind sheltering hands. In this fear, grown irrational unto the perverse, we fear the very relationships we have traditionally sought, traditionally lived for.
It is the smile of mystery that we have grown to fear, a smile that haunts and alienates us.
For this smile is both everything we wish for and everything we fear. We, who are cursed just as Midas and Tantallus were cursed, have forged for ourselves manacles of the mind in a world where all we truly desire is freedom. We have isolated ourselves in a world where all we want is understanding. We have cloaked ourselves in black, in a false anger and a simulacrum of knowing, of understanding more than each other. We have alienated one another when all we have to fear is isolation
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
139,347 Literary Works • 672,539 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Oooh well I can see why that title applies quite so well to this piece right away there. This does certainly sound like a person's internal monologue and a very interesting internal monologue at that with the issues that this seems to be diving into. Well, at any rate this is off to quite the start here and I already find myself curious to see where this will end here.
OKayyy as we continue down this path it seems the thing that we're oh so focused on is this idea of a smile and the sort of many forms it can take and the many reactions that it can illicit out of people in different situations. Well I have to say so far this is certainly proving to be very intriguing.
Aaand we end on quite the bold climax there. I love those comparisons that you manage to pull in there while talking of these smiles and well the message there which you manage to convey by the end is something that ends up being really quite powerful there. I do love the way you've structured things here and it really is a very intriguing piece here, its not something i've run into before too many times.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
This is really good.
I agree with wwjnd in that it can be kind of wordy in some places. I don't know, maybe that's your style or the style your going for.
I liked the first line. It's a good grabbing sentence and it intrigues the reader enough to want to read on.
You chose an interesting subject to write about too. I've never seen anything written like this before and you did it really well.
What kind of story are you planning here?
It's good so far
-Carly
Um, yeah, this is pretty interesting. I want to read more.
I didn't see anything wrong gramitically, although I'm definitly not the best in that area.
One criticism I have, is that it's a bit wordy and in some places. I feel that some of the longer words you use in some places take away from the story's flow... but that's just me.
What's your plan for this story? Is it going to be like a 1984 distopia? I'm intrigued.
But yeah, good job. Keep writing.