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Young Writers Society



Exiles: 2

by Rubric


Sixty riders were bogged down by the horde surrounding them, unable to break free. As the ring of troops encircling them grew tighter, one horse reared, tossing its rider. Before any of the other riders could react, the fallen Darrodin was set upon and dragged from the protective ranks of his comrades into the mob that surrounded them. His fine armour proved useless as, beaten into unconsciousness by his enemies, his helm was torn from his head and his throat cut.

The encircled riders fought with consummate skill, but the sheer weight and numbers of their opponents forced them back. Unable to turn the momentum, their horses proved an encumbrance, rather than an aid. As the horses were so much more vulnerable than the Darrodin riders, the infantry around them would often seek to unseat the rider by killing his mount. While mounted, the Darrodin formation could not find a suitable formation.

Larrel watched as more riders were unhorsed, and the infantry encroached even further on Lord Kano’s defensive position. The company’s banner had been unfurled and driven into the hard earth by its bearer, so that he might continue the fight. Larrel’s own men were riding hard to cross the battlefield, and to the south he could see infantry battalions advancing north to support him. Still, his would be the company that would affect Lord Kano’s fate, as the infantry were still too far off, and slowed by the hilly terrain.

As his company neared the melee, Larrel saw another company holding their ground nearby. Like the infantry he had already fought, these cavalry were armed with a poor selection of weaponry and armoured only in thick leather jerkins or poorly constructed mail. However, this large band of horsemen, more than one hundred strong, held their ground due north of Lord Kano’s position, waiting.

As his company continued their advance, Larrel realised that this enemy company would be invisible to the high command, whose pavilion would be obscured by the sprawling melee. His command to aid Kano was now invalidated, as this company would clearly charge his flank if he sought to enter the main combat, a fact unknown to the high command.

Raising his visor, Larrel shouted to his company.

“Eighth turn to the right,”

There was a moment’s hesitation from several of the riders, and Larrel realised he would have to reinforce the importance of instant adherence to his commands. Nevertheless, the reform was nearly perfect, and his company was now charging directly toward the enemy cavalry. He heard a harshly barked command permeate the ranks of the unit, and the enemy cavalry lurched into a canter, before accelerating to a gallop.

“Reform for charge” he bellowed, before slapping his visor down across his face. He dug his heels firmly into the flanks of his mount, and once again found himself at the tip of the formation. Though they were poorly equipped, these men rode with a modicurn of skill, and seemed to handle their own weapons in a far more familiar way than the spearmen had. Without even looking around, Larrel knew his men were wedging their horses further into the formation to minimise their exposure to their more numerous enemies.

The two formations collided with a force that sent several of the riders tumbling from their mounts. Larrel felt the impact of a sword on his shield with the force of an anvil behind it, while the jarring impact of his own sword being parried wove its numbing way up his arm. Manoeuvring his horse with only his legs, Larrel swerved to his left and hamstrung a horse as its rider passed by. His own men tore through the formation, emerging from the other side in scant few seconds. The enemy line had buckled under the concentrated force of his own, but Larrel saw that many had already turned about. Rather than swerve to avoid the confrontation, Larrel ordered his soldiers to engage.

The horsemen ripped into each other with unexpected energy. Many of Larrel’s men realised the importance of besting these riders before Kano was overrun, while the enemy horsemen were clearly aware of their importance in ensuring the doom of the Darrodin cavalry. Larrel knocked aside the blade of an enemy warrior with his own, before knocking the man from his horse with his shield. His horse, trained for battle, trampled the man beneath its hooves as Larrel rushed to engage another opponent.

He saw an enemy rider leap onto the horse of his standard bearer, a man named Jordis. There was something odd about this enemy, and as the enemy casually threw Jordis from his mount, Larrel realised that there was something profoundly wrong. The man wore lacquered plate, and as he grabbed Jordis’s reins, the jewelled hilt of a sword came into view. He was far too finely equipped for his company, for the army he fought with.

Larrel drove his horse toward the figure, whose face was obscured by a helm of blackened iron. The figure turned, but did not rush to meet Larrel’s charge, he did not even draw the jewelled sword. Instead he raised a gauntleted hand, pointing it, as if in accusation, at Larrel. Larrel flung up his serpent shield a moment before a tide of black flame washed over both he and his horse.


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Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:56 am
HajarR wrote a review...



First of all I love the descriptions and how you conduct the action , your technique is very good there is only one thing that could be corrected.

At some point you repeat several times the word "company" :


"As his company neared the melee, Larrel saw another company holding their ground nearby. Like the infantry he had already fought, these cavalry were armed with a poor selection of weaponry and armoured only in thick leather jerkins or poorly constructed mail. However, this large band of horsemen, more than one hundred strong, held their ground due north of Lord Kano%u2019s position, waiting.

As his company continued their advance, Larrel realised that this enemy company would be invisible to the high command, whose pavilion would be obscured by the sprawling melee. His command to aid Kano was now invalidated, as this company would clearly charge his flank if he sought to enter the main combat, a fact unknown to the high command."

Maybe you could find a synonym just to lighten those two paragraphs.

That is pretty much all I can say , the storytelling and the writing style are great so keep on writing ;)




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Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:21 pm
Rubric says...



Cheers guys on this one.
As it's fallen off the front page, i doubt it'll get any more critiques so I'll answer them now. I think answers are kind of needed for some of these...

The direct speech presentation everyone picked up on was a good call, cheers.

Syd: As always, thanks for getting the reviews rolling, and for the specific exclamation mark, orks well with bellowed.

To Squallz: I reckon you can slap a visor over your face, but it would be a vertical slap.....i dunno, i need to grab myself a helmet.
"for the army he fought with" was intended as an elaboration, but you may well be right, it is a little superfluous. Thanks for the overrall analysis of the piece as well as individual critique.

Fantasy Artist: You had me worried for a long moment on consummate, but although it's spelt the same, the pronunciation of the two words is different. Mine = "fully accomplished, perfect, complete". I might need to change it to avoid confusion...



Cheerio
Rubric




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Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:29 am
R. J. Hoffman says...



dude i see you used my advice on the terain and on the type of armor they used. awesom action scene well worth my time. We can expect great things from you mr. rubric, great things.




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Mon Jan 07, 2008 12:07 am
Fan wrote a review...



Hello Rubric, here is my rather late review for your crit on Dark Tidings. I'll go through with a line by line, then a comment on overall story.

Sixty riders were bogged down by the horde surrounding them, unable to break free.


I like the use of the word horde in this as it shows the size of the opposing troops and the hostility they have to the MC's troops well.

The encircled riders fought with consummate skill, but the sheer weight and numbers of their opponents forced them back.


Ohh..completely wrong use of a word here. 'Consummate' actually refers to the act of completing a marriage through *cough*sex*cough*. I suggest something along the lines of 'proficient' and its thesaurus lead-offs.

Raising his visor, Larrel shouted to his company.
“Eighth turn to the right,”


The formatting of this is quite strange: maybe just Raising his visor, Larrel shouted to his company,“Eighth turn to the right,” will do?

Overall comments

I like the way you have written this scene, especially some of the words you use to convey the image of the battle to us. Your writing style also compliments the type of scene you are writing, so well done on that.

I know that you have learned a lot about how battles work out from your writing, but within that lies a fault. At times, we are overloaded with the mechanics of a battle formation and what it does rather than what is relevevant to the story and to forward the plot. This would come naturally from knowing a lot about something, but it needs to be toned down.

And Jack (Firestarter) also wrote this sindizzling (inside term, but take as awesome) tutorial on battle scenes a while ago, link here:

topic13097.html

Happy writing!:)




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Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:04 am
Squall wrote a review...



Hey Rubric, Syd is right, I'm back XD

Just asking, is this an individual chapter or is it just a part of your novel?

His fine armour proved useless as, beaten into unconsciousness by his enemies, his helm was torn from his head and his throat cut.


The bit "useless as" seems kinda informal for your style of writing don't you think?

“Eighth turn to the right,”


What's a comma doing there?

“Reform for charge” he bellowed, before slapping his visor down across his face.


Two things:

1. You forgot the punctuation mark in the dialogue.
2. He's wearing a helmet visor right? Slapping is more of a sharp blow or smack with the palm of the hand. I had the thought that he was slapping some fly on his visor lol. But seriously, I don't see how you can slap a visor and make it go down across his face. I suggest replacing "slapping" with "closing".

He was far too finely equipped for his company, for the army he fought with.


Why repeat yourself twice in this sentence? "For his company" and "for the army he fought with" mean the same thing.

Larrel drove his horse toward the figure, whose face was obscured by a helm of blackened iron. The figure turned, but did not rush to meet Larrel’s charge, he did not even draw the jewelled sword. Instead he raised a gauntleted hand, pointing it, as if in accusation, at Larrel.


Your use of adjectives is rather obsessive and I really don't think its necessary unless it is vital in your story. Another thing: Is gauntleted a word?

Larrel flung up his serpent shield a moment before a tide of black flame washed over both he and his horse.


Tide of black flame washing over them... Seems somewhat vague. There isn't much development that supports this sentence, hence its vagueness.

Overall impressions:

Now that I've read this part, here are some of my thoughts.

1. Your writing style is quite mature and technical. It's obvious that you know your stuff when it comes to group organization and tactics in battle (you watch 300 much? lol).

2. With point one said, because of the maturity and the focus on technical detail, the emotion and showing in the piece is abandoned. I couldn't picture what was happening. Where are the senses behind this? Where is the imagery? Basically, I believe you were more into telling than showing, and so it makes it a bit harder for us to be immersed with what is happening in your fantasy despite all the careful wording and focus on technical detail.

Another thing that came up into my mind was this: Why did you focus on Larrel and his army so much? I'm pretty sure their opposition are as worthy of being elaborated on further. It was like Larrel and his army were like fighting statues or something. As a result, the tension in the struggle between the two sides becomes non existent.

3. Again, you need to elaborate on Larrel further. I can tell that he is a good leader, but what about his other personality traits? What were his emotions at the time this battle happened? What were his thoughts? That could be expanded on more.

4. You use adjectives quite often which drags the flow of your story. Most of them are insignificant and does little to expand on the scope of the battle. Use adjectives only when it is important and relevant. Do not waste space on describing things that will not be brought back up again.

Overall, this was ok. The story was bogged down, mostly because of a lack of emotion and tension in the battle.

I hope this critique helped ^^

Andy.




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Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:44 pm
Lady Sydney wrote a review...



Very nice, very nice. I tried going back through this to see if I could find any errors, but I couldn't spot them, so I'll leave that to Squallz or someone else. Your errors in detail, I mean, if you have any.

I did, however, come across two or three things:

Raising his visor, Larrel shouted to his company.
“Eighth turn to the right,”


Should have probably been written as:

Raising his visor, Larrel shouted to his company, “Eighth turn to the right!


And this line:

“Reform for charge” he bellowed, before slapping his visor down across his face.


Should be:

“Reform for charge!” he bellowed, before slapping his visor down across his face.


There was one other thing I spotted, having nothing to do with the introduction to dialogue, but I can't find it. Overall, though, it was an excellent read. I can tell you may have done a little research on war? Read war stories? No? I hope that this was at least somewhat helpful.

Looking for more.

Lurv,
~*Syd*~





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda