Young Writers Society

I'm not sure how I feel about this. On the one hand, it is just an intro. On the other, there is nothing to make the reader want to come back. You left out some details, which I guess is okay since the writer would know what they are saying. I don't know, it's very hard to review something that is written as a diary because spelling and stuff are not the centre of attention. I guess we'll just have to wait and see where this goes.

Alright, so since everyone corrected things, I would just like to talk about content.
Your main character annoys me, and from what I have learned from experience with my own writing, people don't like that. They like their character to be 'calm cool and collected.' The perfect, sweet little girl, so that when she does commit a sin, people will be more angry/sad/whatever you like. Do you realize what I'm getting at?
One more thing: She is on a plane ride. I get that. I also get that when I used to write in a diary, I would write in it on planes. But, that is not the part I'm worried about. If I were starting a diary entry on the plane, I would describe so many things about my life, because I would have so much time. I would describe my family, the people around me, where I am going. In fact, I even have a diary of when I went to Disneyland, and the first thing I did was shout (or write in all caps) where I was going.
What I'm getting at is that by reading in between your lines, your story is not very realistic. Keep writing, I will look for the next entry in this diary!
~Classy

Hey there, I'm here to critique your story!
First off I have to say that I've never been a big fan of novels written in a diary format but you got me hooked! I look forward to seeing where this story goes. Okay, onto the critiquing.

RubinLikes2Write wrote:August 20 9:58 AM
Dear Diary,
Since this is my first entry in a diary ever I guess I better introduce my self. (Though I’m not sure why.) #0000FF ">"myself (though I'm not sure why)." Would be the correct way to put it. Anyways, my name is Vine Carter, I am sixteen years old and my life is being ruined.

And when I say that, I really mean it. After living my entire life in Razorville, Maine, I’m moving. Not just a short distance, but all the way to San Francisco, California. I have absolutely no idea of how to act like when I’m there, or even what to wear. But, I guess I’m saved from deciding what to wear. Since I’m going to privet, and wearing uniform, cloths wont be a problem. #0000FF ">Okay this whole sentence was confusing. Privet is private, I'm guessing? You need a little more of an explanation here, such as "Since I'm going to a private school where we have to wear uniforms, clothes won't be a problem. At least there’s that.

Also Ive never met the uncle I’m going to live with. His name’s John Allen. And guess what? He’s a sailor! I love sailing #0000FF ">punctuation needed here, either a comma or a semicolon, depending on how you want it to sound. I did it all the time in Maine. The only bad part about living with John is that he lives in a houseboat. Ew. I like the water but I don’t like always being on it.

Oh, I guess I should mention why I’m moving. Well, when I was six my mom died, and my dad became an alcoholic. And then he got way into the scumbag part of life. Dealing drugs, drinking, stuff like that. So then, about three months ago he just went into voluntary coma. So I was in foster homes until my uncle said he’d take me.

It’s sort of nice because my twenty-two year old brother goes to UCLA and I can visit him maybe. Though probably not, he and I have grown really far apart.

Um, what else? Oh, I guess I should tell what I look like. So this is to you, future me or whoever’s reading this: I’m short enough to have people ask if one of my parents was a dwarf. #0000FF ">Haha I love this part! I can totally relate to Vine here, being often mistaken for a 13 year old myself. Embarrassing right? I have surfer girl red waves, that just about everyone fawns over. I really have no idea why. I also have permanently tan skin, and ice blue eyes. Really, I’m a freak, especially because my mother looked like she was Albino, and my dad was full Italian. My brother looks more like their child then me. A fact that he always teased me about. L Sadness. #0000FF ">What's the L for? Ive also always been kind of a loner. No one seems very interesting or friendly in Maine. Maybe it’ll be different in California. At least I hope so. I mean it’s not like I like the appearance that I’m a loner, I want to have friends, but I don’t know how to make them.

Well, the flight attendant says that were getting ready to land so I’ll write again when I get settled, um, bye?

Vine Carter
P.S. my print is way different then my signature. Not really sure why.

How is everyone's life in this story?? Hahaha. I liked it tho and i actually wanted to read it because it was short. You should finish it asap and then PM me...or just txt me...watevr floats your boat.
<3:
Layla

P.S....no matter what other people say..i liked how you wrote it on your own. And when i HAD a diary..i DID describe myself.

P.S.S. Like my pic>??

You took like everyones lives and put them into a story...

Hi Rubin! I'm Conrad Rice, one of the Instructors here on YWS, and I'm here to give you a critique.

Since I’m going to privet, all uniform school cloths wont be a problem.

So then, about three months ago he just went into voluntary coma.

Um, what else? Oh, I guess I should tell what I look like. So this is to you, future me or whoever’s reading this: I’m 5’ 3”, I have surfer girl red waves permanently tan skin, and ice blue eyes.