Young Writers Society

TRINITY!!!! how dare you use this just to get points!!!! grrrrrrrrr

RubinLikes2Write wrote:Chapter 2

Throughout the entire summer my main focus was talking with the teachers at the neighborhood school and getting to know the kids. As it turns out I was right, the kids were a lot more laid back now that everyone was older. Everyone that is, except for a small, elite clique of girls.

They didn’t look like or act like public school girls. They should really be in the fanciest boarding schools around. All eight of them were classically pretty and smart. They were the It girls of the school. Instantly I shifted my friend making sights down to less godly people.

Karen was amazed when by the end of the summer I had found friends who didn’t touch me and didn’t ask questions. I felt kind of bad because I had never told Karen that I see people’s future whenever I touch them. I guess I didn’t want her to stay behind in my life just as my parent did and how Jack did. I was still to weirded out by seeing people’s future and I’ve had to live with that ability my entire life!

A week before school started Karen brought me too the two storied k-8 school. We walked up to the office, already crowded with teachers preparing for the coming hectic school year.
“Um hello!” Karen said brightly to the old slightly hunched over women behind the desk. The lady lifted her dry, flat brown eyes from the papers she was organizing to Karen’s slightly plump face.

“Yes? How may I help you?” the lady talked with difficultly.
“Ah yes um, I would like to enroll my daughter here for school this year.” She rested her warm hands on my sharp spaghetti strapped shoulders.

“I’m afraid all of the spots have been filled up.” The woman replied dryly resuming the tending of her papers.

“Well, ah is there a, a wait list?” Karen said clearly thrown off by this woman’s behavior.
A tall woman in a man's tailored suit strode over to us and pushed the woman away gently with her hips. Extending her flabby skinned arm toward Karen she barked,
“Hello, I am Principle Mrs. Hamible. Don’t mind Becky here, she’s the old principles wife and refused to leave, so we’re stuck with her.”

Karen said a polite “Oh.” Mrs. Hamible stuck her arm out to me, I didn’t except her handshake quickly Karen asked once again to get me into the student body.

“I’m afraid that wont be possible, you see there were hardly any students returning to our school here so we emptied the wait list! Amazing first time in our schools history. So young little…” Mrs. Hamible trailed off and made a small gesture to me and continued. “Your daughter will be first on the waiting list!”

I sighed and Karen politely thanked the principle and as we exited the school said, “Georgina I don’t want you to all of a sudden be rude! Just because you may be going to an actual school at some point this year doesn’t mean you can start being bratty!”
Shocked I quickly turned mad, “How was I being bratty?” I demanded.

“Well by loudly sighing when Mrs. Hamible said you would be wait listed and by just raising your voice at me! Don’t you roll your eyes or I might re think this entire situation!”

I reached down for my iPod. If she wanted to think I was a brat let her I just want to her my music.

“Oh no you don’t!” Karen grabbed my arm and in that second where hr hand touched me I was under.

It was like a riptide yanking me in nine different directions. And at the same time an extremely irritating almost nails on a chalk board sound to add to the chaos. I saw a duffle bag and a suite case lying on the porch, me smiling at her then I saw the most peculiar shade of green eyes and then Karen, dead.

I gasped when I came back up Karen had her hands under her armpits with her legs pulled against her staring at me.

“I’m so sorry Georgie. I’m so sorry I forgot. I forgot.”

I wondered wildly for a brief second why she was freaking out, when I was the one who saw her dead in the near future.

RubinLikes2Write wrote:Chapter 2

Throughout the entire summer my main focus was talking with the teachers at the neighborhood school and getting to know the kids. As it turns out I was right, the kids were a lot more laid back now that everyone was older. Everyone that is, except for a small, elite clique of girls.

They didn’t look like or act like public school girls. They should really be in the fanciest boarding schools around. All eight of them were classically pretty and smart. They were the It girls of the school. Instantly I shifted my friend making sights down to less godly people.

Karen was amazed when by the end of the summer I had found friends who didn’t touch me and didn’t ask questions. I felt kind of bad because I had never told Karen that I see people’s future whenever I touch them. I guess I didn’t want her to stay behind in my life just as my parent did and how Jack did. I was still to weirded out by seeing people’s future and I’ve had to live with that ability my entire life!

A week before school started Karen brought me too the two storied k-8 school. We walked up to the office, already crowded with teachers preparing for the coming hectic school year.
“Um hello!” Karen said brightly to the old slightly hunched over women behind the desk. The lady lifted her dry, flat brown eyes from the papers she was organizing to Karen’s slightly plump face.

“Yes? How may I help you?” the lady talked with difficultly.
“Ah yes um, I would like to enroll my daughter here for school this year.” She rested her warm hands on my sharp spaghetti strapped shoulders.

“I’m afraid all of the spots have been filled up.” The woman replied dryly resuming the tending of her papers.

“Well, ah is there a, a wait list?” Karen said clearly thrown off by this woman’s behavior.
A tall woman in a man's tailored suit strode over to us and pushed the woman away gently with her hips. Extending her flabby skinned arm toward Karen she barked,
“Hello, I am Principle Mrs. Hamible. Don’t mind Becky here, she’s the old principles wife and refused to leave, so we’re stuck with her.”

Karen said a polite “Oh.” Mrs. Hamible stuck her arm out to me, I didn’t except her handshake quickly Karen asked once again to get me into the student body.

“I’m afraid that wont be possible, you see there were hardly any students returning to our school here so we emptied the wait list! Amazing first time in our schools history. So young little…” Mrs. Hamible trailed off and made a small gesture to me and continued. “Your daughter will be first on the waiting list!”

I sighed and Karen politely thanked the principle and as we exited the school said, “Georgina I don’t want you to all of a sudden be rude! Just because you may be going to an actual school at some point this year doesn’t mean you can start being bratty!”
Shocked I quickly turned mad, “How was I being bratty?” I demanded.

“Well by loudly sighing when Mrs. Hamible said you would be wait listed and by just raising your voice at me! Don’t you roll your eyes or I might re think this entire situation!”

I reached down for my iPod. If she wanted to think I was a brat let her I just want to her my music.

“Oh no you don’t!” Karen grabbed my arm and in that second where hr hand touched me I was under.

It was like a riptide yanking me in nine different directions. And at the same time an extremely irritating almost nails on a chalk board sound to add to the chaos. I saw a duffle bag and a suite case lying on the porch, me smiling at her then I saw the most peculiar shade of green eyes and then Karen, dead.

I gasped when I came back up Karen had her hands under her armpits with her legs pulled against her staring at me.

“I’m so sorry Georgie. I’m so sorry I forgot. I forgot.”

I wondered wildly for a brief second why she was freaking out, when I was the one who saw her dead in the near future.

heeyyy u dont know whos duffle bag and such it is....you wont find dat out....and haha yes Mrs. Hanible is _______ ahaha and its supposed to be the mom midly freaking out becuase she didnt want her daughter to think she touched her on purpose. BTW the mom said I’m so sorry Georgie. I’m so sorry I forgot. I forgot.” gosh SIRI!!

soooo ok here it is

A tall woman in a man's tailored suit strode over to us and pushed the woman away gently with her hips. Extending her flabby skinned arm toward Karen she barked,
“Hello, I am Principle Mrs. Hamible.

I reached down for my iPod. If she wanted to think I was a brat let her I just want to her my music.

Karen grabbed my arm and in that second where hr hand touched me I was under.

I saw a duffle bag and a suite case lying on the porch, me smiling at her then I saw the most peculiar shade of green eyes and then Karen, dead.

“I’m so sorry Georgie. I’m so sorry I forgot. I forgot.”

Hey! I'm back again =]

Nit-piks first...

Throughout the entire summer -I'd add a comma after 'summer'

As it turns out I was right, the kids were a lot more laid back now that everyone was older. - 'As it turns out, i was right. The kids were a lot more laid back now that everyone was older.' - Flows better.

They didn’t look like or act like public school girls. - I'd take out the first 'like'

Karen was amazed when by the end of the summer I had found friends who didn’t touch me and didn’t ask questions. - 'Karen was amazed when, by the end of the summer, I had found friends who didn't touch me or ask me questions.'

I guess I didn’t want her to stay behind in my life just as my parent did and how Jack did. - I'm guessing that you mean she doesn't want karen to leave here life just because your MC has special powers. I think the sentence needs rephrasing at I had to re-read it to get the jist of it.

still to weirded out - 'to' should be 'too'

A week before school started Karen brought me too the two storied k-8 school. - I'd add a comma after 'started' and 'too' should be 'to'

old slightly hunched - Comma after 'old'

“Yes? How may I help you?” the lady talked with difficultly. - Instead of saying that she talked with difficulty - maybe you could show us how she talked. Was her voice croaky? Weezy? Mumbled?

“Ah yes um, I - I'd add a comma after 'Ah' and put a full stop after 'yes'

“I’m afraid all of the spots have been filled up.” The woman replied dryly resuming the tending of her papers. - I'd change the full stop after 'up' to a comma and put a comma after 'dryly'

“Well, ah is there a, a wait list?” - 'Well. Ah. Is there a...a wait list?' - show that Karen is put off in her speech.

Principle Mrs. Hamible. - this sounds awkward. I'd use 'Principle Hamible' or 'Mrs. Hamible' though in this sentence 'Principle Hamible' would sound better.

Mrs. Hamible stuck her arm out to me, I didn’t except her handshake - I'd add in 'but' after the comma.

quickly Karen asked once again to get me into the student body. - I'd make this into a seperate sentence.

“I’m afraid that wont be possible, you see there were hardly any students returning to our school here so we emptied the wait list! Amazing first time in our schools history. - 'I'm afraid that won't be possible. You see, there were hardly any students returning to our school here, so we've emptied the waiting list! Amazing. First time in our school's history.'

I sighed and Karen politely thanked the principle and as we exited the school said, “Georgina I don’t want you to all of a sudden be rude! Just because you may be going to an actual school at some point this year doesn’t mean you can start being bratty!” - The first sentence seems a bit rushed. Try breaking it up and adding in more description of the walk out of the school.

Shocked I quickly turned mad, “How was I being bratty?” I demanded. -'Shocked at her accusations, I quickly turned mad. "How was i being bratty?"' I don't think you need 'I demanded' as you already express that she is mad before she speaks.

If she wanted to think I was a brat let her I just want to her my music. - 'If she wanted to think that I was a brat, then I was going to let her. I just wanted to listen to my music.'

“Oh no you don’t!” Karen grabbed my arm and in that second where hr hand touched me I was under. - This sentence seems a bit jumbled. - '"Oh no you don't!" Karen said, grabbing my arm and in the second where her hand had touched me, I was under.'

I gasped when I came back up Karen had her hands under her armpits with her legs pulled against her staring at me. - Is Karen sitting on the floor? If she is then say so...she can't pull her legs against herself if she's standing up. Full stop after 'up' too.

“I’m so sorry Georgie. I’m so sorry I forgot. I forgot.” - Hang on...I though you said that your MC hadn't told Karen about her being able to see the future

Overall;
This part was a bit slow paced and not much actually happened apart from your MC seeing Karen dying in the near future at the end. I do understand that this part was mostly explaining how she gets into school and that the kids she'll be at school with will leave her alone. Saying that - you don't really go into much detail on how or when she talks to the kids.
Don't get put off by my amount of nik-piks though - I tend to go abit overboard sometimes
I still like the concept of this story though, but I'm a bit confused as to how karen knows that your MC has seen the future at the end.

I'll be reading the next part as I'd like to see where the story's going

Keep writing!

xDudettex