I walk the trembling earth abreast
and beneath my feet
lay the hard tracks of lost children.
Their toes scraped black
against a charred existence--
breaker boys smashing atoms
like coal and casting light upon
my feral body.
In a cave below they sit in wooden carts
and stare up my pant-leg
like ants on a rubber-tree.
The puppet boys swing their axe
to the tune of
a canary song;
rhythm that hums strong as dynamite
and reverberates with a
Chop
across my woodland legs.
They think I house their mother
in a cage of roots;
that she is mine.
How can I tell Mans' Child
the Sun has abandoned them?
Our moon lifts her crumpled face
and cries flowers like rain,
petals to mark the forests' grave
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks BenFranks, I'm just a little concerned with your comment about each line needing punctuation. I don't find that each singular line of poetry requires some punctuation, because then you're sacrificing the intended tone for some unnecessary concept.
But, really, thank you for the review.
Hey there.
I thought these lines were my favourite:
I'm a sucker for mystery and I was just pulled in and enchanted by your extroadinary narrative and word selection. Its truly inspiring. I think the odditity and uniqueness of your work is a major pluspoint, just be wary that this might not work for everyone though.
I think that your beginning and ending are good. In the way they offer the hook and the significance to walk away and take some form of emotion and perhaps grasp some reality of meaning from this. But there's one thing that I think needs work.
That's fluency.
In my opinion, only having full stops as your punctuation is taking away the possible effects you could create from structure and tone and resulting in you merely having to ride on the affect of language. I think you need variety. Some places feel like they'd flow better with a comma, and lines with no punctuation should be edited so that each line has punctuation. Replace a few full-stops with semi-colons and get in some commas and I think this'll read a lot more smoothly and affectively and still avoid being "choppy" or "uncomfortable." Fluency is very important, as is pace. So don't forget the strength of punctuation and structure.
~Hope this helps,
Ben
That series of verses was used to underscore the giantess towering above regular people. Isolation, power, and yet sorrow for being so magnificent that the underlings can't comprehend her.
I do like the flow and the ideas of the poem. I do like the ending as well.
I also like the moon crying flowers. Quiet a nice image.
Sorry i don't have much to say, I kinda got side tracked. Forgive please.
Good luck, keep writing.
Silented1