I stopped. I thought I’d heard something move outside the door.
Thump!
What was it? Silence. Then:
Thump!
There didn’t seem to be a regular interval between the thumps, but I knew the sound too well: falling bodies.
Thump!
I shivered.
I know I didn’t time travel all this way just to die in 1943, I thought wildly, checking the magazine on my Glock19. Four bullets out of 15. I thought I had killed all the guards, but the sounds outside the gray room told me otherwise.
Hitler stirred, groaned, and I slapped him with the Glock. He slumped even further beneath the chains strapping him to the chair. I hoped the chains would stay... Especially considering how much I'd spent on them. I stared at the door, holding my breath. Any second, the person responsible for the bodies would step through that door, and I would be shot, or worse, Hitler would be rescued and I would be thrown into the concentration camps, first in line at the ovens.
“Sterben du Schlampe!” a harsh voice cried out.
Thump!
I clicked off the safety and aimed at the door. The knob began to turn slowly, just like a movie. I had exactly one thought:
Did I leave my oven on?
The latch on the door clicked, and a white sheet on a small stick appeared from around the door. I fired without hesitation. The sheet shrank back with a surprised, “Oh!” The sheet retreated, and a slim, dark hand appeared, gripping the door.
“Don’t shoot! I surrender!” English. American accent. A familiar voice.
I said nothing, but I held my handgun steady. The dark hand grew— an arm, then a shoulder, and finally a face.
Beautiful, round, dark, and rather flat.. Bright grey eyes looking scared but defiant, and dark brown curls wound tightly around her head. The woman saw me, and stopped in shock.
“Eddie?”
I let my handgun drop by my side, and I stared in open surprise.
“Nora?”
We immediately began to talk over each other.
“Ed, what are you doing here?” she asked.
“I could ask you the same,” I shot back.
“I came here to do—” I cut her off.
“—What was right, so was I!”
“Are you crazy to come here alone!?” Nora cried, gesturing to the mostly empty room.
“Me? You’re the one who shouldn’t be here by yourself—”
“Because I’m a woman?” Nora's eyebrows furrowed, signaling danger.
“—It’s too dangerous, what if you were killed?” I forced my voice not to crac.
“You're such a jerk, you know I can handle myself."
I shouted over her.
“How could I forgive myself if anything happened to you?”
At this, Nora stopped. She straightened, glared at me.
“I didn’t realize you still cared,” she said stiffly.
“Of course, I do,” I said, stepping closer. She stepped back. “I never stopped.”
“Well, it’s too late for all that,” she said. She always hated cheesy declarations of affection.
She looked over at Hitler’s unconscious form.
“So…is that him?” she asked, pointing with her gun. I didn’t even realize she’d been carrying a gun. A Glock, like mine, but with a silencer on the end.
Stupid, I thought. You’ve gone soft. You used to notice everything immediately.
A small inner voice answered me.
Never where Nora was concerned.
I winced at that thought.
Nora stepped over to Hitler, and prodded his head with the tip of her handgun.
“Is he…?”
“Not yet.”
“Why’d you hesitate?” An accusation on the edge of her voice. I always hated that. She’d never openly blame me for anything, but I knew what she meant.
“I heard you coming.”
“So why’d you hesitate? You still could’ve shot him. You had enough time to tie him up.” Another accusation. She was really saying, “You didn’t have the guts.”
“I wanted to question him first. See if he has any remorse at all.”
“Why?”
I paused.
“Curiosity.”
“Are you insane!?” Nora’s voice rose to a squeak, the way it used to when she got really angry. “This is the man who caused the deaths of six million people, Eddie. Who knows how many people are dying right now, as we speak, right when we have the chance to end it all, and you hesitate because you want to get to know him?”
“Nora, I—”
“Oh, my God. You really are insane.” I looked down at my feet, like a rebuked Catholic school boy. I looked up at her, hoping my eyes were as fiery as hers.
“I just want answers, Nora.”
Nora stared at me, her face twisted with disbelief.
“Answers, Eddie?” Her voice is soft. “Here’s an answer for you: he’s a twisted, sick, evil man who deserves to die and rot in hell for eternity. He doesn’t care, he doesn’t love, he doesn’t feel remorse. He does what he does because he wants to, because he can, and because he thinks it will make him happy, when really it just brings ruin on everyone and everything around him. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself.” Nora paused to take a breath. I seized my chance.
“We’re talking about Hitler, Nora. Not about me.”
Nora stared, and scoffed.
She pressed her handgun to Hitler’s forehead and fired once.
“There. Now you’re both dead to me.”
She glared at me and walked over to the door. I remained motionless, stunned. Just before she left, Nora turned back to me. The familiar frown lines around her mouth unwavering.
“Go home, Eddie. It’s over.”
Then she was gone.
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140,216 Literary Works • 673,044 Reviews
Hi RoyalHighness,
Mailice here with a short review!
Let's start right away; a story whose plot somehow shifts from an external direction more to a character development for the protagonists. I didn't expect that with this title and the structure of the story.
In general, I like the mood of how the story starts and brings you right into the action without waiting too long with descriptions. However, I also find that this doesn't give the reader a framework to hold on to because we as readers have no idea what it looks like? Where are the characters? Somewhere in Berlin, in a camp or hiding place? This is one of those points where I think you need to expand a bit, even though the dialogue definitely takes over in the second half.
In terms of structure, I can't say much. I like the flowing plot and the dialogue, and as I said, I didn't expect that, how the plot turned so much in a different direction at the end. I think that's also the highlight; that the dialogues show a good symbiosis on the one hand and also breathe much more life into the characters and so you feel more in the position of what's happening.
At the end, I actually just have more questions than before I started reading. On the one hand, I think that's good, but on the other hand, some things would have to be clarified, such as how old the characters are, what kind of time machine did they use? What position do they hold? Why 1943 of all years? How did they get so far to Hitler in the first place?
Other points I noticed while reading:
I don't think the Nazis would go so far as to throw the character into one of the concentration camps, as most attempted assassinations of the Führer lead with a secret execution, somewhere in the backyard of a building.
Here it has to be “Stirb, du Schlampe”.
Here´s a full stop too much.
Have fun writing!
Mailice
Hey there!
I really enjoyed this piece, it was fun, emotive and entertaining.
I thought that the characters were really good and really well developed (barely know them but I'm already shipping Eddie and Nora haha). The ending was very good as well. The entirely of it was really well written - the dialogue in particular was very realistic and fun.
I do agree with Sevro though - the sudden presence of Hitler was quite surprising so maybe you could explain a bit how he got there.
This section in particular:
'The dark hand grew— an arm, then a shoulder, and finally a face.'
Was really good - the slow reveal of her character - very enticing and exciting.
Really enjoyed this read so thank you
Keep writing!
Hey, RoyalHighness. Sevro here on review day to try me best to help you out as much as I can.
I almost think you should omit the bolded line. If the story started with Thump! it would definitely add to the curiosity factor. The introduction of the time travel...I don't know. It made it seem just the slightest bit cheesy, but, on the other hand, I don't know how the story would work without the time travel. On yet another hand, I think either Eddie or Nora or both should have some kind of motivation for wanting to kill Hitler. I think everyone wants to be able to go back in time and kill Hitler, but, to make a story out of it, your character needs to have a special cause. Hitler could've killed one of their relatives, or something of the like.
Whoa, where'd Hitler come from? The way you just threw him in there, so nonchalantly, was abrupt. Not bad, necessarily, just a little double-take-inducing. Also, "slapped" sounds less intense, less mean, less damaging, than, say, whacked or slammed. It's personal preference, nothing more. Lastly, what does that German mean? Sorry if it's obvious, but I don't see it referenced anywhere in the following paragraphs.
I am sincerely confused at the reason for that last line. I was getting into the rising action...and then you yank me out of the fantasy with that line. I understand that you're trying to remind the readers that Eddie had time travelled to the past. Maybe you were trying to convey his emotions of distraction, I'm not sure. It made me feel like I had to sneeze really bad...but I lost it at the last moment. I don't know what to suggest, I just thought I'd point it out.
Just a little nitpick; that last period shouldn't be there.
And then, BLAM! All that dialogue! It's not bad, not at all, it's just a lot. I know you were trying to impose a feeling of fast action and a heated argument on the readers, but there's never anything wrong with adding a paragraph here, or a sentence there, about how the character is feeling about what just went down.
The killing of Hitler was so anticlimactic, it was almost beautiful. He was alive one second, and then, you snuck his death in there so stealthily, I almost hopped right over it. Don't forget your onomatopoeias. Adding a Bang! in there could really emphasize the intensity of the moment. Totally up to you, though!
Overall, I thought this concept was intriguing. Like Kpfakeaccount said, this idea has been used before, but I feel that you've put your own twist into it, what with the relationship troubles mixed in. I also enjoyed that Nora didn't fall for Eddie again. That would have been cliche, so I'm glad you made Nora a strong, independent character.
I hope this review helped you out, and happy review day!
~Sevro
Alright, I'm not going to waste anyone's time, or any thoughts.
Conceptually, I enjoyed this piece. The idea that too many people went back to kill Hitler, regardless of whether they were lovers or not, is not only exciting, but a comical one. This idea could be developed and extended wayyy further. It's giving me a lot of fun ideas just thinking about it! So well done there, I like this very much.
Eddie, as a character, has a lot of nice pathetic-ness about him. I like that he tries to be cheesy because he obviously thinks that works. "I seized my chance" is VERY reflective of that kind of character - "We're talking about Hitler, Nora. Not about me." is deliciously tryhard and pathetic. He obviously values himself way above Nora without realising it, and Nora sees this, and is obviously used to this. This is a really worthwhile relationship that the audience only get a snippet of, but they receive enough information to understand it fully. Nicely done.
A couple of points, however;
The whole thing, especially the opening, I think is far too loosely written. You have some sturdy dialogue that feels a little washy. The "sexism" comes out of nowhere, for example, and it feels like you're pandering to a demographic, since there is no actual sexism expressed ever. For the narrator's consciousness, it's a little too explained - I would just let the mind speak for itself, rather than have unnecessary explanations like my own mind "answered me" or whatever it was.
In addition to this, there's a lot of telling and not showing. For example "her big grey eyes betraying just a hint of regret". Really? Why? Write about what exactly it is that tints her eyes with regret, don't just say that they are. Work on this area especially will improve the entire piece over all, and the omission of all the cheap cheese.
The final thing I'd like to talk about briefly is the opening. Some use of the cataphoric would be especially nice before we even find out who Hitler is, and the I feel as if the piece would benefit from the narrator assuming that we know everything that's happened. He very intentionally introduces Hitler, and the chair, and the chain, and what he's done - I would write as if the audience know about all of this already, i.e. "The chain held... I think. It better had, considering how much I'd paid for it."
By assuming the reader has already had context, the narrator AND the character come off as immediately more confident; as it stands, it's still too explainy.
I'd like to see this piece improved on - the ideas and characters are too good to waste! If nothing else, these concepts are really nice and I believe can easily be improved on. Don't let any criticism demoralise you, although I'm sure that this isn't the case for you. If you ever rewrite this (It needs more than just an edit, I think), I'd be pleased to read and review again if you request it. Or don't, if I've been too harsh, and you disagree with my thoughts!
Thankyou for an entertaining read!
-Kieren
Those points are all really good! Thank you! This was really more just for funsies, nothing serious, but I will definitely re-work it. I really like the idea of using the cataphoric. I think it'll give the piece a lot of character. Thanks so much for the review! I'll let you know if/when I re-write this.
I fixed it! Thanks for the advice. I hope that's better.