This is completely inaproprate. You need banning and quickly.
I have informed a mod about this and hopefully he will pass it onto the admins and ban you indefinately.
Chapter 1:
I am running, running for my life across the African plain, trying desperately to lose them. The trees, bushes and long grass are inviting, but then again, anything is welcoming when you’re being chased out of your home by some very unwanted visitors.
The cubs are yowling, asking me why we are running, and why we can’t stop for a rest and a play. Playing is all Kami and Asali think about, even at a time like this.
They chased us out of our home, and then they left, leaving only death and destruction as a memory of their presence. That was a few days ago, and all of us animals thought that they had gone for good, but of course, that never was going to happen. Now they are back and they are really wreaking havoc where we live. These hunters now come armed with guns and they are looking to capture any living thing that they can get their hands on.
They took my wife last time they came, but I don’t think they hurt her. They led her away in a big metal crate and I know that I am never going to see her again. If you think that was bad for me, think about what it did to the little cubs! They are only two summers old and they are only just starting to get used to their mother and me, and just starting to hunt for small animals themselves. Now they will have to grow up alone, with no Shakira to watch over them. I never used to help much with the cubs before, but now I suppose I will have to, as there is no one else to look after them.
Back to the present now, as there’s no use dwelling on the past. We now stop for a rest behind a large clump of bushes.
“Daddy? What’s that nasty smell? And where did that thing with the pole go?”
At first, I think Asali is just imagining things, but then I realised that what she is saying is true. One of the pole-bearing creatures had gone and there was a smell. It wafted through the trees to hit me square on in the nose: the smell of blood. We lions know it well from when we feast on a kill and it has become second nature to us to smell blood, (Asali and Kami wouldn’t be expected to know that, as their mother had always brought then food before, when her pack of lionesses had made a kill) but this time, it smells out of place. I want to go and investigate as I am one of the most adventurous lions in out pack, but I fear that may put my cubs in more danger, and I don’t want to lose any more of my family so I decide against it.
* * *
Later in the day, the hunters return. This time, we watch with bated breath as they capture zebra and giraffe before our very eyes.
“Daddy! What are those men doing?” cried Kami while watching the men carrying out their dreadful deeds. Don’t they realise that all the lions will die out if our prey are taken away? When we ran away from our territory, I was relying on the fact that we could kill these animals to feast on, now I don’t know what we are going to do for food. Suddenly, just as I was thinking about food, I smell the strange scent of blood again. This time, another person collapses and falls to the ground. This is starting to happen a lot more often now, and the cubs and I are starting to get a little bit worried as this has never happened before. Mixed with the scent of the blood, another, even more familiar smell comes wafting through the air towards me and the cubs: the scent of another lion.
Oh no! If another male lion comes over here and finds me and the cubs hiding in his territory then he will more than certainly try to chase us out of his region or maybe even hurt us. Maybe seriously. So we run. Out of our little clump of trees and bushes and straight into the hunters direct line of fire.
This is completely inaproprate. You need banning and quickly.
I have informed a mod about this and hopefully he will pass it onto the admins and ban you indefinately.
Thanks for all that help.
Lots of people have said that they don't think that male lions look after their cubs. Do you think I could change the animal, to one that did look after the cubs? Or would that just ruin the story totally?
RR*
This was pretty good. I couldn't write like this when I was twelve.
Really, all I've got to say is I think your lions behave more like wolves. I don't think male lions are really known for the caring of their cubs. Then again, I'm not sure if male wolves are either, but I that's what I thought they were until you said they were lions. Even though I probably should have taken the hint from the African names.
Yes, this is just the first chapter, and I wanted to see if there is any way that I could change it for the better, and make it more appealing. I really don't appreciate comments like that, Fantasy Of You.
RR*
Fantasy of You wrote:Why are you posting a story you wrote three years ago? You can't take anything from it, and so it's pretty pointless to receive critiques on it. Post your new stuff, and improve your writing, instead of wasting people's time.
-Fantasy
My apologies, RR, I read the info wrong that I had. They kill and often eat the cubs of other male lions, as Sureal said. Nevertheless, you don't often find a only a male taking care of the cubs. And if you find a source that says they do, well then I guess you can just tell me to shut up. 
In fact, some male lions eat their baby cubs. So really your story right now makes no sense.
Fantasy Of You, all I want to do is see how much I have improved writing, from three years ago untill now. And I don't waste people's time, as I think you are doing now, as I write a pointless reply to your critique.
RR*
Why are you posting a story you wrote three years ago? You can't take anything from it, and so it's pretty pointless to receive critiques on it. Post your new stuff, and improve your writing, instead of wasting people's time.
-Fantasy
This isn't terrible, but it isn't that good either. The lions have emotions that are human, which can be good, if they are interesting emotions. Disney uses this device quite effectively because essentially the characters are human beings in animal form. Because seriously, animal life is usually boring so we have to add human characteristics. Here, it feels like you're trying to be a bit too cute with the lions. And it almost makes me want to vomit. The reader doesn't want cute, he wants exciting.
Africa is a term that humans use, not lions. You can describe the lands, even call them grasslands or savannahs, but do not use Africa.
I have to agree with Sureal, Shakira has to go. No matter how much you may like the name or the singer, it distracts the reader.
Another problem. Lions tend to live in large groups, and the males never look after the young. In fact, some male lions eat their baby cubs. So really your story right now makes no sense.
This is good, but could maybe do with more description of the scene. What does the area look like? At the moment we get the lion's brief backstory, plus their thoughts, but we don't get a lot of the 'world' they are in.
Also, I'm afraid to say that when I read that the poor lioness was called 'Shakira', I couldn't help laughing (from being reminded of the singer). Although that may just be me.
All in all, this is a good piece.
Keep on writing 
.
I think that you writing it as an animal as the main character is one of the most interesting approaches you could write, thats why i love this so much
I have never written a story with an animal as the main character. Could you all guess what the animal was alright?
If you need an answer, PM me.
RR*
well i like it, no sorry i love it, i love to read and story with animals as the characters its a bit of a change from everyday life for us humans keep up the good work RoxanneR (love Jacky-boy)
this is very good as you said you only wrote this when you were 12! i really like your style of writing, could you PM a link to some more of your more recent stories if you have any?
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