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Young Writers Society



The Beastie's Boy

by RowanHowler


Ashley hadn’t been feeling well ever since he’d eaten the egg. He felt heavy, too weighed down to move and his entire body was coated with a thin film of sweat. His insides felt raw, as though his guts had been drug over a field of rusty swords. Poison, it had to be poison, but why waste it on a low level prisoner like him?

There had been something about the egg that made him hesitant from the first spoonful. The fact that its shell was thin, black and metallic was disgruntling enough, but its taste had been just as off. It had a distinct meatiness to it, and there was no yolk to be found. His stomach was growling, though, and it was all that was offered.

Had the situation been different, as in being out of the prison that had been his home for the last week, he may have objected. At the moment he was just happy to be fed at all. They hadn't given him anything before except lashings that made his back ooze and eyes tear despite himself. If he hadn't agreed to help that prune of an old woman, maybe this wouldn't have happened. He'd known, after all, that breaking into the prince's private rooms was a death sentence, but the ruby she'd held, the size of two fists, had made that thought disappear almost magically to the back of his thoughts. In fact, the very memory of the shimmering gem made him feel warm all over and the more optimistic part of him began trying to think of a way out of this mess and back to that jewel. But that was a very small part indeed, and clutching his wasted stomach seemed more important as he dry retched on the cracked and mossy stones of his cell.

It hadn't worked, obviously, because he was here now. If he'd been lucky he'd have been executed quickly,

but thus far Ashley had been thrown into this damp, dim cell and been left to rot away. At least there weren’t any rats in this prison and the grime on the floor was just a thin coat compared to what he was used to in his hovel of a home. The thieves den where he'd grown for 15 years, learning to pickpocket, con, and fight like a wild cat. That ruby had been his ticket out, but he'd failed miserably as he did at everything else. Even his renowned stealing skills had finally failed him.

Footsteps sounded nearby and Ashley froze, trying to feign sleep though he could not will his stomach to stop convulsing. It looked like there was something moving just under his skin, a worm maybe. The thought made him retch again. Or maybe the poison was boiling in there. It felt like it. He ducked his head underneath his arms and shuddered to think what was coming. It was probably be torture. The prince was famous for that. first your fingers, then your toes. Ashley sobbed quietly at the thought of losing the digits that were the only necessity in his profession. How could he dart a malformed stump into someone's pocket, quick as a bird, or balance on a laundry wire between two houses without toes?

“How is he?” The voice was taunt with some kind of emotion, but Ashley couldn't tell what. He and some of the other kids could read adults like that. They knew how to act or what to do at the tone of someone's voice or the expression on their faces. The guards were the subjects of these wiles most often, persuaded that a girl was only running errands for her sick grandmother, maybe, or a boy was waiting for his father who would be back any minute with a ready whip if orders to stay put hadn't been obeyed. But Ashley couldn't read this voice, for it was too cold and inhuman. Normally he would counter this dilemma by simply disappearing before it became a danger. That solution was impeded a little by his inability to move.

“He doesn’t look well, but that’s to be expected, my lord.” said a second voice, this one stoic but with slight distaste.

It was the prince, obviously! For none of the other nobles were allowed a title besides sir. The prince didn't like competition. But wait, what did he mean? Why would the prince himself be concerned for Ashley's welfare, and if he was, why keep him in a cell? Ashley’s mind raced but he remained motionless as the prince and an advisor watched him through the bars of his door. Ashley kept his face screwed up so they wouldn't notice that his eyes weren't quite shut. It was too dim now for him to make out more than a graybeard whose face looked like it had never smiled. That was not the prince, though. he was further in the shadows.

“I suppose it couldn't be done cleanly since it needs a living host to hatch. It should be eating his insides as we speak." The prince laughed a little, as though he'd made a joke.

Ashley suppressed a scream of rage and fright. Eating, something was eating him? He started to tremble, shaking a few roaches out of the straw he lay on.

"When it’s born I’ll finally have one…the only one in existence. That is, if the witch was telling the truth.” He stepped forward, face only a finger's-width away from the bars. The shadows of the dungeon exaggerated his sharp features and had him look like a bird of prey. His mouth was pinched and eyes manically wide.

“It might have been easier if you hadn’t tried to executed the crone immediately after questioning, Lord,” the advisor suggested.

“Do you doubt my methods?” His face turned even uglier with anger as he glanced at the old man.

“No! It’s just you are such a- a man of action. It can be difficult for me to keep up.” the advisor lied. Ashley snorted a little even as he writhed. Did no one dare to stand up to the man? Well he would, before whatever they had done to him killed him off. It was not much of a goal, but if he clung to it, he could forget the pain just a little.

“I can be ever so slightly rash, I suppose. It’s lucky for me that you thought to use this boy after he broke into my rooms. I still can’t quite believe he managed to make it so far, though.”

“He’s a skilled thief, he may have been valuable to us in other ways if not in this one. He's almost too young for this, my lord. He could still have some growth in him and it might not fit.” This sentence was almost a reprimand, and Ashley a surprised the old man got away with it. It was most likely he was saved by the prince's absorption in Ashley's agonized twisting which had begun to escalate. He rolled around, face digging into the cold floor. His fingers curled against his will into claws that dug at the flesh of his stomach. Something stopped him from ripping himself open as common beast might, though. Something besides his fading human reason stayed his hands. This was what the old woman had wanted him to steal, this thing inside him. He knew it immediately by the man's fascination, though the woman had only called it the prince's greatest treasure. She had known that this would occur, surly, for why else send him here? He had to find a way back. Maybe she could reverse this curse.

Ashley lost touch with reality for a moment and dreamed of somehow staggering away and the old woman was happy. She changed into a beautiful enchantress and handed him the ruby along with other great riches, and he was happy and safe. It was a dream so real, that had he not already been weeping, he would have begun. It was her magic, tempting him and urging him on. A chill worked its way up and down his spine at the thought of her inside his head. What exactly had been done to him? What creature now dwelled inside his body like a festering worm that was devouring him whole?

Watch who you’re calling worm, a soft purr warned. Ashley twitched with fear. The voice originated from within him.

I…I’m sorry. He ceased his moaning for a moment in shock. A bitter surge of sarcasm brought his courage back It’s a bit startling to know that I’m being eaten alive, that's all. I don’t suppose you would consider not killing me?

Hmmm. That could be arranged, I suppose, if the incentive were high enough. We do not always kill our hosts, despite what the witch woman may have told your prince. I’m afraid I’ve already eaten some of the less important parts of you… it could be difficult to undo the damage.

What!

Don’t panic, it’s nothing vital…anymore.

What do you mean 'anymore' you chicken liver? I happen to need everything in there!

I will fix you before I leave, you rude little child. i don't know why i bother, but I get the feeling I'm not supposed to let you die. Not just yet, anyway. The witch woman wants us both alive, but to keep up appearances, I’m afraid I’ll have to continue to make you sick.

But...why? Can’t you just leave me now?

I could, but then your prince would have me captive here and you’d be dead one way or another. It will be best if we wait.

Wait for how long? But the creature did not respond and Ashley felt a little rotten for calling it a chicken liver. It was going to help him, after all, though at what price he dared not think.

“How much longer? I hate the smell of these rotting pigs,” the prince broke in.

“He should be ready in half an hour. We could move him up to your guest chambers. The boy isn’t likely to be attempting escape any time soon and it might make a better impression on your new prize.”

“Yes, I wouldn’t want to upset my pet, now would I? The witch said it was an intelligent beast.” A snarl of outrage filled Ashley's chest at the word beast, and he couldn't tell if it was the creature inside him or himself. After all, if it was a beast it was his beast. It was eating his guts and organs, not the prince's, and that should grant him some kind of privilege.

Ashley shrieked relentlessly as he was moved up many flights of stairs by rough hands. It was harder to concentrate now, and time could only be measured in bouts of nerve shattering pain. Eventually he was laid on a bed next to a tall glass window, which he gazed through with squinted eyes. His own now-white haired reflection was gazing back, turquoise eyes wide with pain. To die at 15 was a common fate in his profession. many died younger. Still...there were so many things left to steal and he had been so close, so close to not having to live in the dirt and dodge fists and knives ever morning!

“What’s happening?” Ashley cried to the advisor, who was watching him with a tinge of regret. He knew, really, in some distant way even if he didn't quite grasp the details. He just wanted them to say it, admit the evil before he was gone. It was the prince who answered, smiling coldly.

“You’ll be out of your pain soon enough,” he assured.

"You’d like that, wouldn’t you?" Ashley snarled, eyes so bloodshot and wild the prince stepped back. He almost managed to sit up in one last burst of strength. "You'd like me to just disappear. I never really existed to you anyway. But the circle turns." He choked on the blood that now leaked freely from eyes, nose, mouth and ears in a steady ooze. "There will come a day when you are the one bleeding and prone, and someone else will tell you . . " but he could not finish. he collapsed back while the beast inside him chuckled in a way that was almost affectionate.

Not many are so resilient to the pain my kind cause. The last man I inhabited in my 14th life gave in after only a few hours and I had to eat the rest of him cold and dead. It was very unpleasant I assure you.

I'm glad I could provide some amusement for both of you then, Ashley snarled mentally, coughing up blood.

I wouldn’t worry about the prince. He and I have business when I am done with you. the beastie assured. its voice was warm and almost friendly, which was no doubt easier when one was warm, full, and not the one being fed off of.

How reassuring, if there is anything left of me when you leave.

It is time now. Brace yourself. This will cause your fragile body much pain, but remember that I will not let you die.

Ashley moaned one final time before a blood curdling scream forced his lips open so wide that the corners of his mouth bled. The noise shook the glass in the room and Ashley could see nothing but darkness with streaks of red agony.

----

The prince watched, dancing with glee as the boy’s stomach ripped open, nearly bloodless, to reveal a ball of sinewy muscle covered in black, silken skin. The dragon was curled and cramped and ripped at the young thief’s skin with paws, viciously taloned. As it unfurled it revealed a lithe body the size of a very large cat with an alligator head, narrow but long jawed. Its wings unfurled, many times its body size. It's eyes were a glittering turquoise that the boy would no doubt find alarmingly familiar, and waves of magic snapped and lashed around it's body.

“Hello, Beastie.” The prince grinned, clearly satisfied with himself. The dragon nudged gently at Ashley, who was very still, his stomach and chest empty. He considered eating the boy, despite the spark of life left in him. He needed flesh to be strong enough for flight, but he had made a promise and besides, there was plenty else to feed on in this room. The witch woman wanted him back, and the dragon owed her his life and needed her for some time yet before he'd be ready to roam free.

To the prince’s surprise, the fabled “dragon” grinned, baring needled teeth. But there was nothing friendly in that hungry gaze and his features grew tight with fear just before it darted its head forward, knocking one man into the wall, and snapped off most of the prince’s forearm in a gulp. Screaming in horror, the prince waved his bloody stump at the guards. The dragon chuckled, a noise like the scrape of metal on metal that made all the men present cringe. The dragon had finished off an entire guard before half the men left, screaming, and the remainder recovered their wits. Already the dragon had grown as large as a pony and was finding the room more than a little cramped.

“Subdue it! Now!” the prince whimpered, backing quickly out of the room. Even the boy had been braver than that. What a craven creature this man was. The child had endured pain that no human frame was meant to live through and still had a will to fight, a desire to stand up for himself. Now this prince of men ducked behind his pointy sticks and walls. That would change. The dragon would make it change. men simple were not capable of making intelligent decisions.

The dragon ignored the guards that moved in threateningly, though they stank of fear. It knocked them aside with its massive, leathery wings, and turned to the boy. As promised, it breathed into his empty cavity and it was filled, though not quite the same as it had once been. he organs were all black as coal and shone like the magic that enveloped the room. His chest cavity seared shut from the incredible heat of the dragon’s breath and he gripped the boy with his claws, making sure to sink them deep into his flesh so he didn't fall during the creature's first awkward flight. Its well-muscled wings could, even in such a young stage, manage to carry of a small pony, but that hardly mattered if it failed to keep a grip on the unfortunate lad. It let loose a roar of victory before breaking through the glass of the nearby window and soaring into the sky with his own "new pet".


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Thu Aug 28, 2008 4:19 am
Firestalker wrote a review...



Ashley hadn’t been feeling well ever since he’d eaten the egg. He felt heavy, too weighed down to move and his entire body was coated with a thin film of sweat. His insides felt raw, as though his guts had been drug over a field of rusty swords. Poison, it had to be poison, but why waste it on a low level prisoner like him?


what does that mean.
it hadn't worked, obviously, because he was here now. If he'd been lucky he'd have been executed quickly,


Capitals

The prince watched, dancing with glee as the boy’s stomach ripped open, nearly bloodless, to reveal a ball of sinewy muscle covered in black, silken skin. The dragon was curled and cramped and ripped at the young thief’s skin with paws, viciously taloned. As it unfurled it revealed a lithe body the size of a very large cat with an alligator head, narrow but long jawed. Its wings unfurled, many times its body size, filling most of the room. It's eyes were a glittering turquoise that the boy would no doubt find alarmingly familiar, and waves of magic snapped and lashed around it's body.


Wow the description you've given to this part is great, but if this dragon is smaller than the stomach of a 15-16 year old boy isn't the fact that its wings covering half or more of the room a little exaggerating?? But its your story i just pointed a hard to believe part of it, and besides its fantasy so this isn't wrong its just a little too much.

“Hello, Beastie.” The prince grinned, clearly satisfied with himself.


How old exactly is this prince??

It let loose a roar of victory before breaking through the glass of the nearby window and soaring into the sky with his own "new pet".


Haha Good ending.


I'm guessing there is a part two?

well anyway like all your other works this one too is described greatly, something I cant do :sigh: anyway like i was saying you've described the story greatly and the spelling mistakes, grammar mistakes are at its minimum (i think) So all i can say is that like many of your other stories this also is good. am beginning to love reading your short stories. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:




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Thu Jul 24, 2008 1:19 am
GryphonFledgling wrote a review...



Ooh, this is an interesting plot, I must say. But I also must agree with Razor above me: slow down!

It is interesting, but Ashley isn't suffering enough. How long has he been like this? It seems like we're just getting used to the idea of a beast in his stomach before it is out. I'd like to see how they interact a bit more, with the beast causing pain without meaning to and Ashley in pain. I want to see a reason for the dragon's apparent attachment to Ashley (since he saved Ashley and ate the prince's arm) beyond that he was his host and "unusually resistant". Besides, how would the dragon know that? He's just a baby, so how would he know about the usual procedure?

I dunno, it just seemed to happen so fast. I want to see them get used to each other, even if Ashley is never happy with the beastie. How long has it actually been since Ashley ate the egg? It seems as if it has only been a day or two, but in that time, the dragon has grown and matured enough to fly. That seems a bit unlikely, as does the dragon being able to fit in Ashley's stomach but still being big and strong enough to carry him off. I mean, it seems a bit unlikely that a cat-sized creature could carry off a (I'm assuming sizes here) a 100andsomething pound teenager.

Plus, the extra time would give us an inside look at Ashley. We don't know much about him beyond that he's a thief and until I get to know him a bit better, I'm not inclined to feel that sorry for him. Instead, he's being eaten by this dragon thing and I'm like "Oooh... Parasitical beings! That talk! Sweeeet..." when I should be all worried about Ashely and wondering if he is going to survive and "What the heck is going on?!" when it starts speaking to him. Maybe, instead of starting the story after he eats the egg, you could have it start with Ashley breaking into the castle. Let us learn to love him and be worried when he gets caught and even more worried when he is thrown in jail and freaked out when he starts getting eaten from the inside out!

Well, that's my two cents. Everyone else seems to have caught the nitpicks, so I won't repeat what they have said.

One other note: I love your title. It intrigued me enough to make me click on the story with nothing else to go on. Just what a title should do.

*thumbs up* Good luck with this!

~GryphonFledgling




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Thu Jul 24, 2008 12:17 am
Teague wrote a review...



Hey Rowan! Thanks for your critique of Whisky on a Sunday; however, I've taken a different direction with that story. If you're interested, it's under the title Dirt in My Own Grave.

Anyway, onto the critique!

His insides shot pain through him every now and then in various locations.

Er... yeah. This is just poorly worded. "His insides shot pain?" Yeah... not that fabulous. Try something more like, "He felt a shooting pain every now and then throughout his body." And it took out the "various locations" thing for a reason -- that's just plain corny.

Had the situation been different, as in being out of the prison that had been his home for the last week, he may have objected.

Aw, way to give away the exposition early on, before I particularly care about your character. I'd recommend saving this little tidbit for a more relevant part of the story. Right now you want me to get hooked on your character -- let me get an idea of them before you throw something like this at me.

After breaking into the prince’s castle to steal the treasure contained there, Ashley had been thrown into a pitch-black cell but had been treated surprisingly well.

*yawn* Okay, showing versus telling nickel tour: This above, is telling. Psh. Boooooring. This sounds like it could be an exciting battle scene; guards, fights, clever escape schemes, all that. Don't just plop this on me -- "oh yeah, he broke into the castle and did some super epic cool stuff, but that's not important enough to merit description."

Yeah. Not interesting. Keep us on the hook -- why was he in prison? Keep that question in the air so your reader is compelled to keep going.

There weren’t any rats in this prison and the grime on the floor was just a thin coat compared to what he was used to.

Is this description entirely necessary right now?

It was probably a beheading. The prince had a skull collection around the walls of his castle.

I'm sorry, but that's horribly cliche. Beheading? Can we say Henry VIII? Skull collection? Anyone can have those. Let's get creative with our methods of horrendously vile death.

That, however, is the danger with fantasy fiction -- a lot of its archetypes are overused, but they're crucial to the fabric of fantasy worlds. What you, as the author, need to do is spin a new fabric with old threads. Sure, you can use beheadings -- but be creative about it! Maybe they don't do a nice, clean, one-swipe-of-the-ax type thing. Maybe they break the cartilage in the throat, causing major pain, and then they hack off the head with a dagger! Something like that. Get inventive with old ideas. And again, don't just tell us. Show us. Make us feel your character's fear. Make us feel their pain.

[/ramble]


“Yes, I would suppose so. It needs a living host to hatch. It should be eating his insides as we speak. When it’s born I’ll finally have one…the only one in existence. That is, if the witch was telling the truth.”

Okay, so the dialogue going on here (and a bit earlier) would be an excellent place to start, rather than the narration you have right now. Why? Because it makes the reader ask questions. What needs a living host to hatch? Why would someone purposefully give someone something that will eat their insides, and know it? What does the speaker want and why?

Obviously, these are questions that your reader will have as soon as they get down here, but it'll be better if you start them off with that right away. Questions keep your reader going.


I…I’m sorry. It’s a bit startling to know that I’m being eaten alive, that's all. I don’t suppose you would consider not killing me, would you?

Okay, really, would he be this calm when talking to something that is eating him from the inside out? I wouldn't. And this is where your story gets translucent -- unrealistic reactions are total story killers. You'd think he'd be scared to reply, wigging out, breathing hard, all of that nonsense. Instead, you've got him holding a calm conversation with a potentially deadly force. Um... yeah. Not realistic at all. Have him freak out -- and show it! Let us crawl around inside his head.



When my kind feeds off a host we have the ability to fix or rearrange things to make them work just as well and sometimes better than they did before. I will fix you before I leave, but to keep up appearances, I’m afraid I’ll have to continue to make you sick.

Really, I'm tempted to stop reading here. You're telling your reader way too much at the beginning. You're rushing things. Let us get inside Ashley's head and experience his feelings for a while. He's gotta be scared, he's gotta be wigging out right now. But you're not showing it, and it's making your story tough to swallow and rather unrealistic. This whole relaxed buddy-buddy-esque conversation is annoying. Don't you think the creature would be a little more obstinant? Maybe it likes to make Ashley scared. Give it a bit more life; give it certain traits that make it more how you want it to be -- is it evil? Is it generous?

Right now, your characters are *really* flat. Give them some more life.

Ashley moaned in agony when he was moved up many flights of stairs by rough hands.

Again, more! More detail. How long was he being carried? What was going through his head? "Moaned in agony" is not really enough to give your reader a vivid picture.

Still...there were so many things left to steal!

Okay, exclamation points? *Such* a cop out. It's just a cheap way of trying to bring energy to something that's exciting but really isn't. A simple period will do. Ellipses (...) aren't much better, but I'm willing to overlook it.


Ashley moaned one final time before a blood curdling scream forced his lips open so wide that the corners of his mouth bled. The noise shook the glass in the room and Ashley could see nothing but darkness with streaks of red agony.

This is getting better, as far as description goes.

It darted its head forward quickly and snapped off most of the prince’s forearm in one gulp.

Wow, way too sudden. Slow down a bit. Did it make a gut-wrenching ripping sound? Did blood spew everywhere? Did the creature swallow the arm? Things like that. Paint us a really disgusting picture.

(is it sad that "disgusting picture" and trying to imagine a bloody stump of an arm make me happy inside?)

As promised, it breathed into his empty cavity and it was filled, though not quite the same as it had once been. The chest cavity seared shut from the incredible heat of the dragon’s breath and he gripped the boy with his claws before breaking through the glass of the nearby window and soaring into the sky with his own "new pet".

Um... random. O_o

Yeah... this definitely needs to be lengthened, haha. It doesn't work too well as a short. You sacrifice too much detail and development for the sake of length. Your pace is waaaaaaay too fast. You could do well with taking a minute to describe the things you didn't -- the break-in and capture, for example. Emotions -- what're your characters feeling? This is third person limited, yes? Well, let us see more of Ashley's inner workings. What makes him tick? Why is he a thief? What compells him to do this? What was he after when he broke into the prince's castle? Why is the prince a jerkoff?

You've got a nice plot; really one that deserves more length and time to unfold than you've really given it. Which is okay -- now it's time to give it the detail and time it deserves. :D

Good luck! If you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM!

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate :pirate3:




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Wed Jul 23, 2008 1:57 pm
sworddance wrote a review...



Wow hi--I haven't logged on for months and I felt like coming back in a random burst of.. err... critiquie-ness...? so anyway you're my first victim XD

I like it so far by the way--rather hoping that's not the end of it. I'm going to run through it bit by bit, if that's alright with you--is it? Oh good. Silence means yes.

^.^

"He felt heavy; too weighed down to move."
-->that semi-colon causes me to make faces. It's not precisely wrong, and it could work, but a comma or a dash would work much better, as it is merely a continuation of what came before, not a list or a separate sentence in and of itself.

"His insides shot pain through him every now and then in various locations."
--hmm. "his insides," yet "various locations;" usually insides refers to the torso wherein most organs are kept, yet various locations would lead you to think otherwise.
-->beyond that, it's so.... bland. "various locations;" so very impersonal. Spice it up; of the pain comes randomly, tell us so; if it is ever beyond "pain" and into "agonizing torture" then we wish to know. I would suggest perhaps describing what the pain feels like... perhaps it is as though someone is stabbing a fork into him and twisting until he screams, then pulling it out and just when he thinks it's gone, shoving it back in elsewhere... or perhaps it is more of his insides attempting to strangle each other... haha you get the point XD

"There had been something about the egg that made him hesitant."
-->I'd add something to that. "He knew it was the egg; there had been..." etc maybe

"The fact that its shell was black and metallic looking"
-->"black"..."looking"? hmmm.... in the next paragraph: "Ashley had been thrown into a pitch-black cell" O.O if he can see it then it ain't pitch black--either he has nightvision and you should tell us or he can't really see it and you should change the description XD
-->also, "metallic looking" is unnecessary; just "metallic" will do (and metallic-looking should be hyphenated anyway)
-->anyways I suggest saying "The fact that its shell was (insert non-vision adjective here) and metallic to the touch" or sumthin

"was disgruntling, but"
-->disgruntling "enough", but imho

"and there was no yolk to be found."
-->i dunno, sumthin just doesn't ring right about that. Maybe it's the vision thing again? try re-wording

"His stomach was growling, though, and it was all that was offered."
--"was;" it sticks out more right here, but during the whole egg discussion I've noticed a problem with the past tense. Your narration is in past tense, but this is a reference to before the time it's being told--past the past tense, if you will. My suggestion to make that distinct is usually to switch "was" to "had been," thereby separating it from the "was"es around it.

"as in being out of the prison that had been his home for the last week,"
-->a bit awkward; try using dashes instead of commas to frame that phrase, and saying "as in, had he not been in the prison etc"

"At the moment"
-->whoa there, this is past tense narration, remember =P "at the time, he'd just been happy to be fed at all" imo

"After breaking into the prince’s castle to steal the treasure contained there"
-->a couple things: one, a bit awkward, try "following his break into the etc"
-->two, "to steal the treasure contained there" is vague, awkward, and dissatisfying to the reader. We want to know more specifically what he was after, or if it was nothing specific, he just knew there was bound to be something there, you ought to tell us--makes it sound less like an excuse and vague reference to his job as a thief. "contained there;" well I would hope it's "there" cuz if it was elsewhere wtf was he going in there for, right? ;)

"Footsteps sounded nearby and Ashley froze, feigning sleep."
-->nearby should probly be "outside his cell" else we think they're inside
-->froze, feigning sleep... I wouldn't necessarily freeze if I was feigning sleep, would be too much of a giveaway. Try "closed his eyes" or sumthin

"He ducked his head underneath his arms and shuddered to think what was coming. It was probably a beheading."
-->"...arms, shuddering to imagine what might be coming" imo--"might" because he doesn't know as implied in the next sentence, and the structural change just to make it flow better.
-->2nd sentence is really impersonal. I suggest taking that whole quote and splicing it as one sentence, spicing it up to one that makes the reader see this guy's fear.

"“How is he?”

“He doesn’t look well, but that’s to be expected, my lord.”

It’s the prince! Wait, what does he mean “expected”? Have I been poisoned? Why would they wait this long? Ashley’s mind raced but he remained motionless as the prince and an advisor watched him through the bars of his cell."
-->a problem with this scene: the footsteps never stopped. Tell us when they stop outside his cell else we have no indication of how the heck the second speaker knows that until that fact is thrown in belatedly.
-->Ashley's reaction is a bit odd. It's too... pat. Offhand, I wouldn't expect ANYONE to look well after a week in a dark cell with only one meal, so that's not really a giveaway to any oddness or poison. I'd throw in a bit extra before or during the italic thought-process that describes him realizing that perhaps it was said oddly or sumthin.

"“ I can be ever so slightly rash, I suppose."
-->haha I liked that, that was great

"It’s lucky for me that you thought to use this boy after he broke into my rooms. I still can’t quite believe he managed to make it so far, though.”"
-->lucky for me doesn't feel like the prince's voice... he seems more arrogant/sophisticated/etc so maybe "how fortunate that you thought to..etc"
-->we already know from earlier that he broke into the rooms, and both the advisor and the prince know it too, so... they probly wouldn't say it and don't need to either.
-->nix the "though;" dunno why really, it's just annoying =P doesn't seem like the prince either I guess

"“He’s a skilled thief, he may have been valuable to us in other ways if not in this one."
-->semi-colon, not comma.
-->"in other ways, had he not been put to this purpose" or somesuch imo

"Ashley lost touch with reality for a moment. Eating my insides? He thought, desperate. A chill worked its way up and down his spine at the conversation taking place."
-->lost touch with reality--not so great a word choice. maybe just say that was when he stopped listening.
-->the thought comes rather late, don't you think? they said that a while back. I'd move it, and that way you show his gradual reaction.
-->"He" should be "he" no matter what spellcheck does to you :P
-->desperate doesn't seem to fit
-->at the conversation taking place, so impersonal again, and rather unnecessary, cuz we know what caused it.

"Ashley twitched with fear."
-->should be the beginning of a new paragraph

"I…I’m sorry."
-->why does he automatically know how to answer? perhaps add a description, "he thought back tentatively" or sumthin

"the prince broke in."
-->"broke in, unconsciously echoing the boy's thoughts," or sum such

"in half an hour."
-->on a timer, eh? make it a bit less exact

"now would I"
-->now, would I

"Ashley moaned in agony when he was moved up many flights of stairs by rough hands."
-->time jump! add a phrase that shows time has passed.
-->"as" he was moved up, rather than "was"--the difference is that "as" creates an ongoing, lasting action, rather than the "was" of a single moment.
-->rough is their texture or their behavior? Be more specific, please :D

"Eventually he was laid on a bed next to a tall glass window, which he gazed through with squinted eyes. His own white haired reflection was gazing back, turquoise eyes wide with pain. To die at 17 was a common fate in his profession. many died younger. Still...there were so many things left to steal!"
-->"lain" i believe, not laid, but I could be wrong.
-->"gazed through," yet what he sees is on it's surface--"at", mayhap?
-->"squinted," yet "wide with pain".... hmmm...
-->to die at seventeen--where did that thought come from? Introduce it. "He knew that to die at... etc" or sumthin
-->capital M on "many"
-->so he's klepto or sumthin? come now, if he steals for pleasure this would be a good time to mention it specifically, but if it's for survival then this thought seems a bit... out of place. It definitely says something about your character that this is what he thinks when he believes he's going to die, so make sure that's what you want said about him for perhaps later development, cuz if it isn't there's a problem.

"“What’s happening to me?” Ashley cried to the advisor"
-->another bit of a jump; he goes from internal reflection to crying out, which makes little sense. Perhaps a spike of pain distracted him from his thoughts?

"It was the prince who answered, smiling coldly."
-->should be a new paragraph, grouped with what he says next

"You’d like that, wouldn’t you? Ashley snarled internally."
-->again a jump in behavior, though less so than the other. Tell us his emotions before he says that, maybe.

The beast inside him chuckled in a way that was almost affectionate.
-->again, should be with the next paragraph

"blood curdling"
-->one word, or hyphenated

"darkness with streaks of red agony."
-->I vote "and" rather than "with"

"with an alligator head"
-->"alligator's," though I would prefer that you said something more like "a head reminiscent of an alligator" or something like that, because otherwise you make it sound more like a splicing of animals rather than a description of appearance, and I, ser, am very particular about dragons XD

"The prince grinned, satisfied with himself. Ashley was very still, his stomach and chest empty."
-->first sentence is kinda flat. grinned his satisfaction perhaps
-->mention of ashley feels odd. Is he holding himself still for a reason brought about by the prince's comment? cuz that doesn't seem right but it's the impression given, i think.

"It darted its head forward quickly and snapped off most of the prince’s forearm in one gulp. Screaming in horror, the prince waved his bloody stump at the guards."
-->darted quickly is repetitive, as no one darts slowly =P
-->2nd sentence is too impersonal again, and I get the mental image of him casually waving at them like he's seeing an acquaintance at the store or sumthin.

"knocking them aside with its massive, leathery wings"
-->with its wings? I'd use something a little less vulnerable. The tail, maybe, a casual flick of its massive tail, but wings are far too precious to a creature whose very way of life and not to mention his imminent escape depends on having those wings undamaged.

"The chest cavity seared shut from the incredible heat of the dragon’s breath and he gripped the boy with his claws before breaking through the glass of the nearby window and soaring into the sky with his own "new pet"."
-->starts out ok, but a comma after breath would be nice, and from then onward it becomes too impersonal again. I like the very last words, those were great, but the bit before it could use some theatrics.


So yeah, all in all... I really rather liked this. And you can tell because I spent all this time going through it and I only do that if I feel it's really worth it. On a more overall note, the character is bordering on flat yet at the same time showing great flares of personality. I think if you spice up some of the things I mentioned you'll bring him up to mark just fine.
Same with the prince; he's a bit generic bad-guy-ish, but in the long run it probably doesn't matter given that all you need to know of him is his part in the plot, ya?

On that note, by the way, I know people get tired of the nit-pick grammar crits, but if you do bother to read through all of what I picked out, you may notice that the parts I pick out are often picked because the corrections would help with the overall fleshing out and characterization. I find I follow the school of thought that says it is in the details that the important, overall stuff is to be found. Some critters will tell you to flesh out a character by adding an entire scene or description about him--I tell you to work in some details with more specific words or perhaps a phrase or two that carries a lot of weight =D

At the same time, I always have the overall note at the end =P and part of that is this: do you intend to add to this? because I'd be interested to see where this is going. It could work as its own story with that ironic twist at the end, yes, but it would also make an excellent beginning to a larger plot, so... let me know :)

*clicks the preview button*
my, that's kind of a long post... sorry, I'm notorious for those, everywhere I go... try not to attempt to strangle me for it, I'd hate to have to kill you XD





In dreams, we enter a world that's entirely our own.
— Albus Dumbledore