Smoke drifted lazily from every home in the mountain province, keeping out the constant, biting cold of the Norwegian winter. It was late afternoon, but the sun had already been completely covered by the clear, dark sky filled with stars. On the edge of the horizon was a flicker of green and blue. Through the darkness, and snow flurries, a large man walked. Wrapped in thick furs and pelts, a simple fur cap adorned his head. He held a sack full of food and gifts in his right hand, In his left, was a small piece of carved oak wood.
His heart was light, and his thoughts turned towards home. Up a snowy mountain path he trudged, his breath forming small clouds in front of his face. For the first time in months, he saw his humble home as he crested a ridge, and came down into a valley. Made of stone and wood, and covered with sod and turf, his home looked beautiful in the moonlight. Smoke curled from the fireplace chimney, reaching up to the stars.
He smiled as he walked the cobblestone pathway to his home, and opened the door into the warmth and light of the fire. Everything looked exactly as he had left it. A small girl sat near the fireplace, and tended the fire with a long metal poker. She turned as the door opened and the man entered the house. She sprang off the dirt floor and launched herself into his arms. Quickly dropping his bag, he laughed and spun her around and around as she cried and hugged him with all her might.
"Father, you're home! I was worried about you. I always am when you go on those trips."
" I know darling, I know. But I have to go when the Earl calls me."
He set her down and shrugged off his cloak and furs.
"But it appears as though I have returned at just the right time! Have you so readily forgotten that it is your birthday? She gazed up at him with beautiful blue eyes and responded, "Of course not father, I wanted to see if you remembered."
"If I remembered? As if I would forget my only child’s birthday! I have something for you.”
He knelt down, and opened his hand, revealing the wooden carving. She picked it up with delicate hands, and took in the image.
" It's mother, isn't it?"
"Yes love."
"It's wonderful father. It looks just like you describe her."
And it did indeed. the wooden woman had a smooth, happy face, and plain clothes. Her kind expression radiated simple beauty. Just as the child's did. The girl stared at it for a moment longer and then took it to her bedside. The man unbuckled his belt, and set it on the small square table, and began digging through his bag, looking for the food he had bought in the market.
He found the potatoes, carrots, and goat meat, so they made a stew to celebrate her 8th birthday. They chatted quietly over their soup and bread about their past months apart, and how the girl was doing. He smiled as she told him stories of when she had fought a village boy and won and about her new friends in the valley. Soon, it was almost time for her to go to bed, and they cleared their food away.
"I have one more thing for you."
She looked at him with heavy eyes.
"Earlier today, I spoke with the skies. And they have agreed to dance tonight just for you."
She was instantly up, and pulling on her cloak and gloves from the chest by her bed. The man opened the door into the night sky, and his daughter bounded past him, into the cold.
He smiled once more, glad to be home, and followed the eager young girl outside. The skies were alive. Twisting and gliding across the sky were ribbons of greens and blues, bending across the mountain range. The reflection in the lake and the sparkling snow was breathtaking. Though a regular occurrence in the North, each of these "Sky Dances" was unique and mysterious.
The man picked up his daughter and placed her on his massive shoulders, giving her a better view of the surrounding mountain. And the two stayed like that for a very long time, gazing up at the sky, waiting to see what it would do next. And every time another color flared, the elegant beauty in each band of color took their breath away.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hi! Cricket here for a review!
Hope it helps.
Firstly, welcome to YWS! Let me know if you need anything. ^ ^
Right now I'm under the impression that this man must have been away from home for a while, or at least a few days. The two are acting like somewhat strangers, but strangers that have something in common and something to talk about. But at the same time... they still act like family. I especially love how you showed what age the girl was. Very nicely done. It didn't feel like you were throwing information in our faces at all, so good work.
The main thing that took away from the beauty of this piece was the grammatical aspect. Granted, there weren't as many as one usually sees. In fact, there was waaay fewer than the average. But there were still some. I actually think that most of them are typos, but we'll see. I'm going to point out a few, and I guess it's up to you, whether or not they are actual typos.
Like this one. Obviously a typo. An extra comma is there, is all.
Another instance where I'm not sure if it's a typo or not. It happens in other parts of the story throughout but for the most part it doesn't. But just in case, you should always have the quotation marks next to the dialogue.
Instead of a comma after the first I you should have a question mark, as the dialogue itself implies that its a question.
Comma after Yes.
This is something that I'm really not going to go into much, but here is a pretty good example of telling and not showing. Instead of telling us that he's a simple man with simple tastes, then why not show us that? Through example mainly. Show us how his tastes are simple by how he dresses, eats, decorates his home, ect.., We'll get the idea. Hope that made sense.
*cracks knuckles* This reminds me of what I was like when I was little. I can relate to this because this was generally what I was like when I was little. Beat up on the boys whenever I got the chance. Normally didn't make them very happy with me.
Comma after you.
Capitalize [come[/i].
That's all I can see for general nitpicks. Everything else you can see for yourself as I think they are just common typos, which are completely understandable.
I suppose what I really liked about this, was how the father and daughter were reunited. I didn't feel like they were awkward around each other, and there wasn't any clunky dialogue in the slightest. That's something that I really, really loved. Clunky dialogue is the worst. Thankfully, I couldn't see one instance where you had that. Very nice, thank you sooo much for that. <3
I think that's just about it for now. Let me know when you post more of this!
Keep writing!
~Cricket
Dang, thanks. Have I mentioned before how much I appreciate the people who actually comment? This website is way better than most! Thanks Cricket!
From the moment I started this novel I was glued. It was truly very interesting! The only thing is that the first paragraph can be split up in different paragraphs.
This can be a paragraph:
Smoke drifted lazily from every home in the mountain province, keeping out the constant, biting cold of the Norwegian winter. It was only late afternoon, but the sun had already been completely covered by the star filled night. Through the darkness, and snow flurries,, a large man could be seen. Wrapped in thick furs and pelts, a simple fur cap adorned his head, carrying a full sack of food, and gifts. In his left hand, was held a small piece of carved oak wood. His heart was light, and his thoughts turned towards home.
And this:
Up a snowy mountain path he strode, his breath forming small clouds in front of his face. For the first time in months, he saw his humble home as he crested a ridge, and came down into a valley. Smoke curled from the fireplace chimney, reaching up to the stars. He smiled as he opened the door into the warmth and light of the fire. Everything looked exactly as he had left it. A small girl sat near the fireplace, and tended the flames with a long metal poker. She turned as the door opened and the man entered the house. She sprang off the dirt floor and launched herself into his arms. Quickly dropping his bag, he laughed and spun her around and around as she cried and hugged him with all her might.
This could solve the problem of it looking like so much and causing headaches. Its just a suggestion. =)
Also, when it's a one sentenced, talking paragraph sometimes its easier when you do something like this for example:
" It's mother, isn't it?" the young wide-eyed girl asked in awe.
or
"I have one more thing for you darling," the man said, his eyes dancing with mischief.
But I really must say I LOVE IT!
Thank you soooo much. This website is much better than others because people actually comment on your writing. I really Appreciate the feedback!
That's what I noticed too about this website. I really like it. And your welcome!
Hellooooo
First impression on this is that it's short, but let's see here.
Okay, the first paragraph is just a load of information. Hurts my head a little :p I think that's why this is so short! Spread out your descriptions to make your chapter more lengthy and to put a break in all the info!
Quotations, gazed isn't capitalized!
This is so very cute, really
Good job!
- Kamryn -
Thanks! One of the big things I am working on is spreading out the detail more. Thanks for reviewing!