Young Writers Society

I liked this story a lot! It was short and very romantic. I liked how you mixed the lyrics in with the plot line, it was very well done.

The only thing I don't like is the mother...either expand on her or cut her out. Other then that it was fantastic and I am very glad that I read it!

Awww...
How cute! I love stories where they mix lyrics into the story line.

Andres Segura... you couldn't have picked a more perfect name.

The only thing I have to say is... why is the mother in this? Why did Andres speak to her directly? And why did he tell her one minute? He's gonna have some explaining to do!

Overall: I love it. I've got nothing constructive to tell ya... that's how good it was.

Hey there sweetie!!

OMG, I loved this story. It's short but very romantic! Another good one!

And please, change the envelop to envelope.. That's all the critique I can give.

With love,
Cas-wuvie

okay. that was very well written, i must say, and i deeply and thoroughly enjoyed it. but i was still a bit confused. I don't understand the part with the mother. so its his mother and shes somewhere and he leaves and he tells her he'll be back soon, and then he goes off and has passionate sex with a blonde chick named helen? im confused. the mother is going to be worried about him lol. but, seriously, where did she go? was she in the house or not? im guessing that this was secret rendezvous between helen and andres? it was really good. but im still confused on where his mom went. i really like how you described andres hair and her hair. the part where her hair tumbles down out of her hair clip is very sexy, passionate, and it shows the beauty of love and sexuality. i also liked the way that you incorporated the lyrics to "stay" in your story. it made the piece very unique and added some flair. it was good for like i guess you would say breaking? in between the 'scenes' if you will. it made you have to do less description, because yeah, we can all guess what's going on, lol. it makes the reader use their own imagination of the scenario and adds a scencerity to the love of helen and andres. on the whole, the piece was really really super dooper amazing, just describe more about where they are, what the mother was doing, the setting, the time of day, etc. it would be easier to follow that way.

toodles!
~kare

ps
i am sooo totally new to this place but sincerely glad that i discovered it. ya know? contact me if you want, k? thanks

"and when it all goes to hell, will you be able to tell me you're sorry with a straight face?"
'the patron saint of liars and fakes'
~Fall Out Boy

Okay, at first I thought they were like in a restaurant or something so when they started undressing...I was like...um WHAT?? But then I figured out that they were in a house...so yeah! lol A little awkward...

But anyway, I thought it was really neat how you combined the story with the lyrics with a song. And I'm pretty sure I know what song you are talking about. And I absolutely love it (if I'm right on what it is. The lyrics sure do sound familiar )

I do agree with the others that he would tell his mother to wait a second....and I also wonder why the mother was there?? I feel the like the beginning part of this should have been expanded a bit.

But other than that, this was good!

I agree with the other reviewers that the mother part was confusing... Why would he say, "I'll be there in a minute" then have sex with Helen? I've had no experience but i think that sex takes longer than one minute.

The song lyrics were great. But I got confused about which ones were the song and what was in the story. Now that i look at the thing under the review box, i see that in there, all of the lyrics are in italics. As i said before in another review, you really need to preview it before you submit it. Just to make sure that it's all what you intend it to be.

Alex

Hey DW:D

Okay, first thing.
For your authors not you should place that in bold or else but a line under it so we know when it ends.

I got this. Like, I knew that it was supose to be fast, rushing, impulsive... flashing. I could see it in my mind, a girl and a boy in a dimmed foyer, kissing fast, everything rushing into one, and then next they were pushing themselves up the stairs, on the bed, and leading into the night. The song lyrics were amazing with it too, I couldn't get over how much I got this piece! In my opinion, another song that would have gone just GREAT with this piece is the song "Hands in the Sky (Big Shot)" by Straylight Run. If you ever get the chance, you should check it out(:

Alright, what I dont get is the mother part.
I was a bit lost in the begining. Like, I knew there was Helen waiting in the foyer,
there was a foreign Andres, but then all of the sudden he is telling his mother to go.
Care to explain? Haha

Another thing was he told his mother he'd be there in a minute, but then as soon as she's gone, he is trying to have sex with Helen.... that would deff. take loner than a minute(;

"The belt buckle was undone. So was the pants fly." This sentence bothered me.
I feel it should be reworded like
The clinging of the belt buckle indicated it was undone, the zip of the fly gave off the hint that the pants were coming off.
Or something like that.

"She felt the silk of her dress peel away, felt it pool around her feet…Moans filled the foyer and Helen felt the soft press of heated skin against hers, the passion beginning to show in Andres’s kisses, his caresses smoothing over her curves."
The begining confuzled me. d:
Not what was happening but the wording.
It should be something like:
She felt the silkyness of her dress float down her, revealing her body. She pushed away the puddle of her dress as she wrapped her arms around Andres neck, their moans echoing off the foyer walls....
See?

"Her long, copper-blonde hair spilled over Andres’s face, his shoulders as she kissed him with the passion she was always amazed at."
Umm, I'm not gunna lie, I was one hundred percent lost at this. a-ha.

At one part, Helen moans about How long is a little bit and Andres responds with:
About what they think…they don’t own my life
Who is 'they' and what are they talking about?



Well, as I said, I got this piece. You did a very nice job(:

I liked it!

One thing that was confusing t me was what parts exactly were part of the song and what parts were in the story. I would suggest making all those parts in italics.

I aslo agree. There wasn't enough setting or description.what does she look like? Were her eyes shining? What exactly was she wearing? what did the material feel like? was it confining? What about him? Is he handsome? Tall? thin?

Good job on the way he smelled. but give more details.

You donzt have to describe the sex in order to give details about the character.

Someone told me once you have five senses, taste, touch, sight, feel, and smell. Use all of them in your story.

Overall, this was well written and I really liked it. add a bit more detail and you should be set.

Hope this helped.

Jamie

And then she felt the rush of heat envelop her.