Once again dw you amaze me with your writing and description. WOW! I love this so much, so much emmotion goes down into this dw! Your awesome at your writing so please keep it up!
Author's Note: The characters are based on my childhood friends. This resulted from a daydream from last summer. I found it, polished it and here it is! A lot of purple prose, I know...but this was before I found YWS!
It was one of those nights when disturbance doesn’t come easily, when the air you inhale outside just makes you feel peaceful. Near Seattle, where I lived, I watched bluish-gray clouds roll across the sky, the hue of the sky growing deeper in the color of night as time passed. Even though morning dew had long passed, the seat of my jeans felt wet as I lay on my back, watching the clouds separate to reveal the deep navy speckled with the silver of stars. Soft winds stroked my face as gently as a lover’s fingers would and the air smelled of the ashes from cigarettes that my mom occasionally smoked and the dampness of Seattle’s wet climate—the last time it had rained was today, when I was in school.
Even though I was almost completely deaf, I could hear the soft plunks and strums of Steven’s guitar, transformed in a beautiful melody of music by my hearing aid. I sighed, closing my eyes and feeling the soft cushion of grass when it hasn’t been mowed in a while, those winds still stroking my skin in a languorous way.
A hand squeezed my shoulder gently, fondly. I smiled at the affectionate touch, glad to have company. I opened my eyes to see my three best friends lying in the exact same position I was. Hands behind their heads, legs like limp spaghetti noodles, stomachs full from that dinner that my parents had cooked, the food still warm in our bellies.
First there was Lauren, beside me. Her green eyes, a bit lighter than my own, twinkled welcome at me the same way as the stars did. Her honey-blonde hair was flattened to her head by the ground in a cute doll-like way. She had put on her grey fleece jacket before she came out and it hung over her curves, stopping just below her hips, while jean-covered legs were crossed at the ankle like mine. When a breeze came over us, it brought to my nostrils Lauren’s sweet flowery scent.
Then, there was Connor on my other side. He had gotten glasses, but the sight was still surprising to me and the perfect spherical shape of the silvery-white moon was reflected both in his glasses and his blue eyes. He was wearing a black sweatshirt over jeans and unlike Lauren and me; his ankles were uncrossed, giving me a clear vision of his sneakers. He smiled a smile similar to what was on Lauren’s face and what was probably on mine. The faint smell of his deodorant mingled with Rogan’s musky scent and Lauren’s delicate floral one.
Even though his name meant redhead in Irish, Rogan’s hair was still a coppery-blonde, but he was fifteen like Connor and Lauren. I was one year younger than the bunch—fourteen. His blue eyes sparkled at me in greeting. He was wearing an outfit like Connor’s, but his sweatshirt showed his school colors, gold and scarlet, like Harry Potter, he said.
Right now, I smiled at all three of them, Did you have fun?
Connor nodded, signing, How could I not?
True, Rogan chuckled. Lauren just nodded, grinning at me. Even though we had fallen out of touch for the last couple of years, we had greeted each other the most enthusiastically at the airport.
Right now, Lauren tapped my hand and I looked at her. She was looking at me, her eyes playfully serious and gleaming in the silver light, Have you ever wished upon a star?
I raised an eyebrow at her question, but she just looked steadily back. I wasn’t big on superstitions, like breaking a mirror gives you seven years of bad luck or a black cat crossing your path…
I’m not big on wishes, I answered truthfully. I just let the chips fall where they may. With that, I looked up at the sky again, studying the twinkling stars.
Lauren touched my hand again, But if you could have anything in the world, what would it be?
I smiled mirthlessly, Life’s not that simple.
Just answer my question, Ross.
I sighed sharply, my chest rising and falling quickly with the motion. I thought about it for a little while. Writing was my passion, my love, but I also enjoyed flying.
The chance to write about what I feel inside, I said finally. To write about what I dream. To let the world know about one fourteen-year-old. What about you?
Lauren smiled, For us to be together. All four of us together forever.
Me too, Connor signed.
Me three, Rogan echoed.
I smiled at my friends, signing, We have each other now. And that, for me, is enough. But, I know one thing that’s immortal to me. One thing that’s my immortal.
What? Lauren asked.
Our friendship, I replied.
Smiles spread across the three’s faces. With my responding smile, we all resumed our stargazing. We knew that this could be the last time we met.
But this moment, for now, was enough.
Once again dw you amaze me with your writing and description. WOW! I love this so much, so much emmotion goes down into this dw! Your awesome at your writing so please keep it up!
Most of the nitpicking's aside. I really liked this story. It's very sweet, and I like stories about friendship. Heart-warming! 
I don't think I've ever read a story with a deaf MC. Either I need to broaden my reading horizons, or this is very original. It is an interesting concept, kind of makes the MC seem helplessly isolated.
Personally, I think it's fine to mention Seattle. Someone said it was pointless, but it adds a certain atmosphere.
Soft winds stroked my face as gently as a lover’s fingers would
Sigh.... All the nitpicking that I can think of is already done.
This was great! I loved it but i agree that one section was a huge info dump...
That's all. I can't think of anything else... Ah well.
Alex
This was a sweet story. Touching, and you have some lovely language in here. You should expand this. I've actually never read a story where the MC's are deaf. (Wait that's a lie. I've written one! lol)
It would be interesting. Maybe add a plot? But it's also nice as it is. Just a beautiful, easy read.
You got the song stuck in my head, though. When I saw the title I started humming the Wish Upon a Star song, and now it won't get out ofmy head. Nice job 
Keep writing.
This is good, though I agree that towards the end it starts to sound a little cheesy but it's sweet too and you have some lovely descriptions. My main criticism is the info dumps: I agree that the big chunk of character descriptions needs to be dispersed amongst dialogue and setting description. Here's a few specific comments and suggestions:
It was one of those nights when disturbance doesn’t come easily, when the air you inhale outside just makes you feel peaceful. [This is pretty but it could flow just a touch more smoothly towards the end. I'd suggest 'It was one of those nights when disturbance doesn't come easily, when the air you inhale outside brings you peace and calm.']
Near Seattle, [Some of the information you give the reader doesn't add to the narrative. Like this for example, unless the reader lives in or near Seattle, it doesn't tell them very much. It would be of more use for you to describe if they're in a garden or perhaps beside a river or a canal? To describe the neighbouring scenery: flowers, fields, houses?] where I lived, I watched bluish-gray clouds roll across the sky, [Maybe '...roll over-head...' would be better as it avoids the repetition of sky?] the hue of the sky growing deeper, closer to the color of night, [s]in the color of night[/s] as time passed.
Soft winds stroked my face as gently as a lover’s fingers [s]would[/s] and the air smelled of the ashes from cigarettes that my mom occasionally smoked and the dampness of Seattle’s wet climate[s]—the last time it had rained was today, when I was in school[/s] [Another piece of information that doesn't really add to the narrative. If you want to keep it, I'd suggest either shortening it and turning it into more an an after-thought or making it longer, more descriptive to add to the atmosphere. Something like: 'It had rained earlier; heavy bullets of liquid drumming against the school-room windows as the teacher droned on.']
I sighed, closing my eyes and feeling the soft cushion of grass when it hasn’t been mowed in a while, those winds still stroking my skin in a languorous way. [Rather than saying that the grass hasn't been mowed in a while, describe its length and how it shivers in the breeze. Remember that showing is always better than telling and if you show your reader that the grass is long and wild, filled with weeds and daisies, they will presume that it hasn't been mowed for a while.]
I opened my eyes to see my three best friends lying in the exact same position I was. [I'd advise you to delete this sentence. For one, you later contradict yourself by saying that Connor doesn't have his legs crossed and is therefore not in the exact same position and also it's telling. You show the reader how they're laying later so it's unnecessary.]
Lauren just nodded, grinning at me. Even though we had fallen out of touch for the last couple of years, we had greeted each other the most enthusiastically at the airport. [I think you should alter these two sentences slightly to convey more emotion so that the information dump is disguised a little. Also, what are you trying to tell the reader here? Think about it, this sentence basically lets the reader know that they haven't seen each other for a while and that the persona is closer to Lauren than the others. You can do that with much less trouble and integrate some of the character description while you're at it. Perhaps: 'Lauren nodded, grinning at me, her delicate face framed by that honey-blonde hair and her eyes twinkling; two green stars that couldn't be found in the sky. I'd missed her most.']
_______________________________
Hope this helps a little. Let me know if you decide to change anything and would like me to take another look or if you have any questions,
Heather xx
p.s. Also, maybe try to add a little more characterization. The three friends (and even your persona to some extent) all seem pretty similar at the moment. Mark out differences. Like, do they sign quicker or slower than each other? Is one more serious than the others, is one more thoughtful?
I like the idea. I've always found imaginary friends to be something that I cannot grow weary of. But I am fairly certain that you could have done this better.
Soft winds stroked my face as gently as a lover’s fingers would and the air smelled of the ashes from cigarettes that my mom occasionally smoked and the dampness of Seattle’s wet climate—the last time it had rained was today, when I was in school.
Heya, you gave this to me and critiqued something of mine so I figured it was only fair.
nights when disturbance doesn’t come easily,
when the air you inhale outside just makes you feel peaceful. Near Seattle
deeper in the color of night as time passed.
watching the clouds separate to reveal the deep navy speckled with the silver of stars.
air you inhale outside just makes you feel peaceful.
the air smelled of the ashes from cigarettes that my mom occasionally smoked
Even though I was almost completely deaf, I could hear the soft plunks and strums of Steven’s guitar, transformed in a beautiful melody of music by my hearing aid. I sighed, closing my eyes and feeling the soft cushion of grass when it hasn’t been mowed in a while, those winds still stroking my skin in a languorous way.
A hand squeezed my shoulder gently, fondly. I smiled at the affectionate touch, glad to have company. I opened my eyes to see my three best friends lying in the exact same position I was. Hands behind their heads, legs like limp spaghetti noodles, stomachs full from that dinner that my parents had cooked, the food still warm in our bellies.
First there was Lauren, beside me. Her green eyes, a bit lighter than my own, twinkled welcome at me the same way as the stars did. Her honey-blonde hair was flattened to her head by the ground in a cute doll-like way. She had put on her grey fleece jacket before she came out and it hung over her curves, stopping just below her hips, while jean-covered legs were crossed at the ankle like mine. When a breeze came over us, it brought to my nostrils Lauren’s sweet flowery scent.
Then, there was Connor on my other side. He had gotten glasses, but the sight was still surprising to me and the perfect spherical shape of the silvery-white moon was reflected both in his glasses and his blue eyes. He was wearing a black sweatshirt over jeans and unlike Lauren and me; his ankles were uncrossed, giving me a clear vision of his sneakers. He smiled a smile similar to what was on Lauren’s face and what was probably on mine. The faint smell of his deodorant mingled with Rogan’s musky scent and Lauren’s delicate floral one.
Even though his name meant redhead in Irish, Rogan’s hair was still a coppery-blonde, but he was fifteen like Connor and Lauren. I was one year younger than the bunch—fourteen. His blue eyes sparkled at me in greeting. He was wearing an outfit like Connor’s, but his sweatshirt showed his school colors, gold and scarlet, like Harry Potter, he said.
sparkled at me in greeting. He was wearing an outfit like Connor’s, but his sweatshirt showed his school colors, gold and scarlet, like Harry Potter, he said.
Right now, I smiled at all three of them, Did you have fun?
Wow, that was an easy and nice read. I like the "chips fall" part and how your wish--being able write about the feeling you were feeling.
The only thing I didn't like was the "one thing that's my immortal" part. Please don't be offended but I thought that part was cheesy.
But besides that, this piece--this memory--must mean a lot to you. It's gripping. I can tell.
Lovely, Ross, lovely.
- Summerless
That is a nicely explained and a great story.I don't think so that you need to make it more short,as making it short would mean missing out small things.There is nothing really to crit on this for me.Well done!
And keep dreaming because I really like this kind of stories.
:P
~Shine~
Ross,
This story is great, but I think you should make it a bit shorter-I mean you can leave it the way it is if you want but breaking it up with make the reader wanting more. Trust me I know >.< anyways, I wish there was a little bit more dialogue. But then again that's just me. Over all? Great story but I think you could improve it, great job and keep writing.
Your friend as always,
-Max
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