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140,567 Literary Works • 673,442 Reviews
awesome story luv it
Great again!!!!!!! You impress me each time!
But one mistake I found
You forgot the " at the beginning of the sentence.
And in this sentence,
You should say something more like, "Why do you love me the way you do?" or put like three dots or a comma or something after "wondering".
Good. Iliked it!
"The wind tousled my hair, swept it in my eyes and across my forehead. The fingers curled around the balcony railing were numb from the chill, yet I refused to go inside. Go inside and lie beside the guy that just kissed me."
That was a nice start. It gave me this relaxed but interested feeling.
I don't have much to say except this was a nice read.
I hope there's more coming, but if not that's fine.
- Summerless
Wow! Great job! I'm not very good at critiquing romances but here a just a few quick suggestions:
1) the ending seemed a little too abrupt with the whole I'm moving to florida thing it's just a little too perfect. I don't know if you can fix that but it just bothered me a little bit
2) I would put a little more action between the dialogue.
Other than that I loved the plot, your characters seem very real to me. It's sad in a bittersweet way because he eventually finds and accepts who he is now. Very good job. Sorry I didn't really have anything concrete to add.
I think that this chapter was needed. It gives the readers a bit of a breather during a story with what I predict to be a very intense pace, and it characterized the characters.
I found this confusing. A week into what? A week after what?
This is also confusing. It might be wording, it might be punctuation
Also, this seemed a bit unrealistic to me, dialogue wise:
It's the word "vowed" that does it. A few grammatical things needed to be cleaned up. You used a period when Jack says "How could I not have shrugged it off..." where I think a question mark would be grammatically and stylistically better. Another thing you do is put a comma after phrases like "She nodded" or "he sighed", and before a quotation. Technically it should be a period, as those are not speaker tags. You can tag things on to the speaker tag (speaker tag tag?) but I don't think that punctuation works without the speaker tags.
And that is it. You're killer good, you know that?
Holy shit. I did not see that coming. Really really good plot and please keep writing. Please. It wsa a fast-slow pace that was very comfortable. Nice work on that.
When you wrote,'Go inside and lie beside the guy that just kissed me', could you possibly put, Go inside and lie beside the guy that HAD just kissed me? I think it would work better. Excellent job as always. pm me when you get the next chapter.