Wake up! Wake up, I splashed water on my face, trying to emerge from the fog that Chad had shrouded me in. Yet my hands still echoed with the thump of his heartbeat, the warmth of his skin. It had happened five minutes ago, yet it felt like five seconds. I sighed deeply, drying my hands off on a towel.
“This isn’t right,” I said to my reflection in the mirror. “We are both male. Our religion shuns gay relationships. How can we do this?”
"And I'm not gay! Am I?" I stared questioningly at my reflection, as if the answer would appear in the tensed arms, the furrowed brow.
Oh, shit…
I was gay after all. I wanted him. I wanted that full mouth to touch mine, to caress my skin. I wanted those eyes blazing with emotion when he looked at me. I wanted to feel his warmth right next to mine in our intimate moments. I wanted my cousin, my cousin…
Control, I told myself. Control.
A light knock snapped me in reality. Chad.
“Come in,” I called out, trying not to let my voice tremble.
The door swung open and Chad stepped in. The door clicked shut behind him.
“Chad,” my hands gripped the counter edge harder.
“I apologize for what happened in there,” he said. “I should have never done that.”
“It’s okay. I contributed to it too, so its not your fault. Well, it is partly my fault since I came over and--but you were the--oh my God!” my stammering only made things worse. I stared at the counter, not wanting to see those understanding eyes.
I felt Chad's arms encircle me, his chin resting on my head, "I wish I could help you, Calix."
“Well, you can—well, actually, no. Can you—just do me one favor.” My voice was hesitant, but my mind was set. This was the only way to truly find out, to confirm what I had uneasily come to.
“What?”
I smiled tentatively at him, “Kiss me,”
He stood there a moment, obviously surprised. Then a slow smile spread across his face as he released me, “Get on the counter.”
I swept my arm across the counter surface, the various bathroom items clattering in a pile in the sink. I clambered up on the countertop, on the right to the sink. Chad approached me, his hips sliding between my knees. Once again, I was lost in his eyes as his face neared mine. My heartbeat begun to race. Then his eyes closed and mine hurriedly followed.
I felt the soft curve of his lips brush mine. The shortest pause followed and then I felt his lips press against mine. His hands slid around my sides, holding me to his naked chest. My arms were around his neck, hands sliding through his shaggy dark strands. The soft movement of our lips made me dizzy, flinging my mind in a primal state. Still, I cautioned myself, trying to take it slow, despite my need to go further…
I broke the kiss, “I can’t—I can’t do this.”
“What? What’s wrong?”
“I’m scared,” I told him bluntly. “Scared of what I might do.”
Chad smiled, took off my glasses, “Don’t worry. Don’t think.”
“Just tell me if I’m crossing the line,” I whispered and kissed him again.
Everything wrong i see is already pointed out. Nothing for me to add.
And about what Chern said, i disagree. I have a gay friend and he's really good friends with his dad, he doesn't have a screwed up childhood. In fact, it was pretty normal except for one disability. Deafness. So i disagree strongly with Chern.
That's all.
Alex
You're chapters just seem to get better and better..
But I can't help but wonder how much of this is written from personal experience?
It's amazing writing.
I've already expressed that in every way I can. There isn't much or practically anything that can change my opinion about your talents.
Just out of curiousity what religion are you?
That is one of my favorite topics and I'm glad you brought it up as a point.
I love you. And I most certainly adore your music taste and your writing is abosutely beautiful. (it's very rare for me to say that. Hey, I'm a critic.)
I might post something new today.
Maybe.
Hope to catch you online today.
OH MY GOD I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! please keep me posted on the story love ya
I love your story, and am looking foreward to the next bit!!!
It's really good, well done, and KEEP WRITING!
To Quote Cher:
"Gay people are gay for a reason. First, there are plenty of men and women who are less masculine or feminine then others of their sex; this does not mean they were born gay. Homosexual relationships are the product of a screwed up childhood. If a boy gets healthy, positive attention from his father and grows up in an intact household, he will not choose to engage in a same-sex relationship. The same with girls. There is nothing natural about homosexuality. It is not evil, it is just something that must be dealt with intelligently like schizophrenia or childhood trauma. Because of this, we need to go into the characters pasts and see what caused this, it is necessary to make the characters believable"
I disagree. Strongly.
I know gay people, and they didn't have screwed up childhoods. It is also not unnatural, because... define unnatural?
Animals, and not only humans, are known to form homosexual pair on occasions, so what exactly isn't natural about it?
Let people do their thing.
Please don't compare being homosexual with mental disorders, that is a load of bullsh*t.
(Can we swear in our messages?)
Cher, I'm curious to know where you acquired your information regarding homosexuality.
XxxDo
A light knock snapped me [s]in[/s] to reality. Chad.
________________________
I don't think this section was quite as good as some of your others. I'm having trouble understanding Calik's character. At first he seems rather timid and quite an affectionate but careful boy and then he jumps from that to asking Chad to kiss him? Maybe build up to that a little more. And Chad doesn't joke around as much in this chapter. I miss that. Try not to lose your characters in the romance, don't let them merge to one personality!
The description of the actual kiss was good and the beginning was well thought out, though I agree that the 'Wake up. Wake up' needs to be in italics. Also, I think you should maybe prolong it just a touch, add more details. Like are there items on the counter that need to be moved before he can sit up there? Does his heart beat faster as Chad approaches, does he feel nervous or more excited?
Good work. Hope this helps a touch,
Heather xx
The rant is gone! ;P
Same format as always.
Highlighted Comments
1. Is he thinking this? If so, italicize.
2. I’d prefer it if he said this, rather than the religion part…
3. Am I insane, or did you talk about some guy in the first chapter? When I read that, I figured he had been with a guy before, so this confused me…
4. Show us how he decides this. Can he not get his mind off his cousin’s soft skin, carefree nature, etc? Then show us!
5. Italicize.
6. Italicize.
7. I don’t really like this wording…maybe ‘his eyes closed, mine hurriedly following suit?’ Hmm…I don’t really know.
8. Suggestion: ‘before.’ ‘Then’ gets old fast.
9. Sounds like he’s doing it at the same time. Suggestion: ‘I whispered before leaning closer to kiss him again.’
Overall Comments
*Dances around, singing* I know what your problem is! I know what your problem is!
*Cough* Yeah…well. I do know what it is, though. (Finally!)
You’re too good at romance!
Heehee, I bet you thought I was going to say something about description or character development.
Anyways, I’ll stop scaring you now and get to my point.
You are too good at romance scenes, which most likely means you enjoy writing them too much. (Exact opposite of me.) These are great romance scenes, but you can’t have pure romance.
You have to let everything build through things other than kisses. Let their hands brush against each other while reaching for the same pancake. Let them sit apart from each other when the rest of the family is around, but have them keep glancing at each other. (Just what teens do in school!)
My suggestion? Keep writing these scenes, but add more. I would add one or two chapters before the first one, another chapter between this and the second one. Add more background stuff – not everything has to be hot and heavy. ;P
Again, great job, just consider adding more filler. (I swear, we should co-write something, lol. I love writing the filler, and apparently I’m good at it, but I can’t write the kiss scene stuff for my life! You’re the exact opposite. ;P)
PM me for anything! And let me know when you get the next chapter up!
Good luck, and happy editing!
~JFW1415
The other critiquers tooks what I needed to say (Good job guys!(;)
haha
But for my own opinion, I really like this.
Like fo' real.
My friend Bailey writes boy on boy stories and I love them.
I love romane stories, even gay ones. haha.
But his cousin? Way to make it original(;
Thumbs up!
Sorry I didn't read the first two chapters haha I probably should have done that first xD I have to say, I usually love reading romances, but I think this is the first one Iv'e ever read that's actually about a gay relationship. What I read so far overall I thought was actually really good. I agree however with the post above me, that you might want to devolop a little more character development. A person is gay by choice, they are not born that way. So tell us how these characters became gay, why are they gay etc. etc. I don't really know what else to sayyy... I'd edit your writing gramatically, but I'm downright horrible with grammar so0o other then that good story and keep writing. xDD
Hm. If I were to be completely honest, I don't like romantic fiction - gay romance even less.
The writing was good; the description very vivid.
Characters: The characters were only intriguing in the fact that they are making that 'forbidden' choice. Slightly melodramatic. I recommend more character development, and less cliche situations. Perhaps add some flash backs. Gay people are gay for a reason. First, there are plenty of men and women who are less masculine or feminine then others of their sex; this does not mean they were born gay. Homosexual relationships are the product of a screwed up childhood. If a boy gets healthy, positive attention from his father and grows up in an intact household, he will not choose to engage in a same-sex relationship. The same with girls. There is nothing natural about homosexuality. It is not evil, it is just something that must be dealt with intelligently like schizophrenia or childhood trauma. Because of this, we need to go into the characters pasts and see what caused this, it is necessary to make the characters believable.
Story: Like I said at the beginning, I don't like romantic fiction. You can only go so deep in something that is based entirely on one topic. Romance is often necessary in any good story, but if it is the main focus, the story will seem stilted; off-balance. But if you are going to write romance, then I think this accomplishes aspects that are necessary. Confusion, mixed emotions, and an inability to reason. The fact is that all of these things, put together in this way, are cliche. Romance can be made original, but it is very nearly impossible if thats the main focus. Unfortunately, since I don't like this genre, I don't have the kind of knowledge I think is necessary to tell you any more then I already have.
So, good writing, as always, but slightly distorted story. I would love to read more about Chester, though, so let me know when you put more of him up.
PM with any questions.
Oh, and a few more things. His hands slid around my sides, held me to his naked chest.
The sentence above, the part after the comma--clause two--doesn't sound right. I'm not sure but I think the sentence would sound better if it was "His hands slid around my sides, holding me to his naked chest."
And same with the sentence below.The soft movement of our lips made me dizzy, flung my mind in a primal state.
I think "The soft movement of our lips made me dizzy, flinging my mind in a primal state" sounds better.
Nice vocab. You make me feel like a rudimentary writer word choice-wise. >: D
Write some more of "Wrong or Right" AND "The Bloody Canvas" <3! If you need extra points or something to submit, Pm me. :]
P.S. Thanks for the profile comment about my picture. I was so bored I had to mess around on Photoshop. *teehee*
This was pretty good. One clarification though. You ended chapter two with the phone ringing, right? Is chapter three a different day than chapter two? Or is chapter two a few hours after chapter one, or has any time elapsed since the phone ringing and the main character asking for a kiss?
Besides that, there's only one grammatical error I found. Correct me if I am wrong with this, but the comma at the end of the sentence should be a period.I smiled tentatively at him, “Kiss me,”
Should beI smiled tentatively at him, “Kiss me.”
Overall it's superb. I can't wait to read the next <3! *clicks gold star*
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