Young Writers Society

Sorry for the delay! ^_^ When YWS went kaput, I was worried I wouldn't be able to compelte your request. xD

He hadn’t tried to kiss me since my mom had interrupted us. I kept looking for moments we could steal away for him to kiss me, but they never happened. I could see Carl wanted to. I just wasn’t sure why he never tried.

Repetition can be a trivial thing, but it can stand out too. I'd rephrase this somehow.

even my dad who’s been swimming in the same ocean since he’d been able to

That sounds a bit off? Since he'd been able to? I'd think, maybe, 'since he's learned to swim' or 'since he was eight' or 'since his grandfather taught him' or something like that.

I wasn’t sure how many times I had asked him this question. I didn’t really want to know the answer.

This is a bit contradictory-- the first sentence implies that she's asked him that numerous times, but then the second tells that she doesn't want to know? If she didn't want to know, why would she be asking so many times? Maybe instead you could say that the part of her that didn't want to know made her forget, blocked the impending departure from her mind.

I pulled back. “What? Carl, what are you saying? Take me away?”

I think it would be more natural for her to just say 'What?' the first time. She'd think she misheard him, or just wasn't understanding. (This is a little thing, though, so feel free to ignore this.) Maybe have him turn away and say nothing, then she can repeat him. Does that make sense? Like this:

I pulled back. "What?"

Carl let me go. A moment later he got a reckless grin and ran towards the water. I wanted to shout, grab him, make him tell me what he meant.

"Carl, what are you doing? Take me away?" I shouted desperately into the salty air, leaning forwards, but before I had even taken a step he was chest deep. By the time I actually had, he had dived under the water. I waited, my throat to tight to speak or even cry. The sun painted red onto the water, making it look like a sea of blood.

Ya? ^_^

The nice guys weren’t supposed to turn into mythical creatures.

xD LOL. So true.

I moved my hands so tears could fall down my skin uninterrupted.

She wants him to see her tears? Why? If explained, this could add some depth to her emotion.

“I’m sorry I hurt you like this,” he said.

I want more than 'said'. Does he whisper brokenly? Is his voice calm and flat? This is a big moment, after his secret is revealed, and this sentence can't be blown off.

Not knowing what else to say, I agreed and ran to see my family.

Having her agree needs some more explanation, too. Why does she agree? Is she just curious? Does the part of her that's still in love want him to have some excuse, a reason for using her? Can she just not bear the thought of losing him? And then, how does she agree? Just nod mutely? Whisper, "Yes"? Or maybe she shakes her head, yet finds herself agreeing.

So, all in all, the style seems to be working. Your main issue is not explaining enough-- you have some great dialogue and action that has tons of hidden emotion and motives underneath it, but your readers can't find that unless you point it out and elaborate on your MC's feelings and thought process.

Also, something I'm noticing is that this MC is a lot like you, Rosey. I'm going to caution you against this in the future, since you can't really change her personality now. But this whole narration seems like something I could see you writing, non-fiction, if you ever came across Carl the mermaid. He seems like the perfect guy for you, as well as this main character. Watch that. You don't want to relate too strongly to the characters you're writing about. Then, dangerous things happen to the perspective.

So, PM me for anything else! ^_^ I liked this section, although a part of me just isn't big on the whole mermaid idea-- just a tad cliched, you know? I guess this is a fairy-tale, though. (Speaking of fairytales, you've lost that feel again. If you're going to get away with starting the story how you did and ending it how I think you'll end it, you need to add some more of the happily-ending-gone-amiss feel. Otherwise, the style seems off-balance.)

~Evi

His legs were now a fish tail.

Her boyfriend is a... mermaid?

I moved my hands so tears could fall down my skin uninterrupted.

Her boyfriend just grew scales, and she's sitting in the sand bawling? This doesn't seem like a natural reaction to me. I'd think that she'd be afraid, or think that she's hallucinating, or maybe even mad that he's been lying to her all along. But crying just doesn't seem like the best reaction for this situation.

I didn’t think it would mater.

"Matter", not "mater."

“You would have taken me with you, just so I could be your girlfriend underwater?”

He just basically said that he was planning to kidnap her, and she's not freaked out at all? Again, her reactions don't seem like the normal thing to do. We also aren't getting a lot of insight into your main character right now. I can't really sympathize with either of the characters at all.

he held up am arm.

"An arm" not "am arm."

Not knowing what else to say, I agreed

She just agreed to meet the crazy fish boy again? After he said that he was going to kidnap her? Erm...


The writing is good. Some more detail here and there would be nice, but other than that it's great and I can really picture the scene. The characters, on the other hand, just don't seem real to me. Carl especially seems like a cardboard cutout, the seemingly perfect prince with the dark secret. And I really can't get a good feel for your main character's personality. If I had to describe her with two words they would be "stupid" and "naive". Not only is it very frustrating for a reader to have to read a story with characters like that, it also does nothing to win sympathy for the character. The dialogue doesn't seem very realistic either.



Overall, though, I really liked it.

Hi Rosey, here's my review on the second part. ^^

This had been such a fun summer

Meh, not liking this phrase. It feels very tell-y and too basic to boot, and for me ruined the mood slightly because I could already tell that the MC was having a fun summer. Saying outright that she did have a fun summer is a tad...insulting to the reader's intelligence..

For awhile we watched the sunset. It was painted on the water, the sea calm. I kept thinking about clichéd romance movies and how there was always a sunset over the ocean for the guy and girl to watch. I thought it only happened in movies, but looking up at Carl, I realized it could happen in real life too.

This paragraph is in definite need of more emotion. As it is, it feels kind of bland and blahh, when I think that it's meant to be an emotional high point in the story. The contrast (or in this case, comparison) between fantasy and reality should resonate strongly with the reader, but as it is it just feels kind of...flat. I don't know how else to fix it except, well, somehow strengthen the currently rather asbent emotional impact.

I felt his arm glide across my back to my waist.... In his arms, I let my hands move to his chest.

The closeness of "I felt" and "I let" doesn't really work for me. It feels like repetition.

My mind was screaming to kiss me already, but something in Carl’s face, the way his eyes clouded over, made me hesitate to kiss him.

Though I know I'm a major culprit, I don't like using the "something" and then specifically explaining what that "something" is (sorry, un-lucid explanation...). Just remove the "something" and have his eyes clouding over speak for itself.

A moment later he got a reckless grin and ran towards the water.

"He got a reckless grin" is an awkward phrasing; try something more active, like "a reckless grin crossed his face".

The sun painted red onto the water, making it look like a sea of blood.

The repetition of "painted" to refer to the sun on the water is a bit jarring. I'd say replace the first "painted" with a different verb since it works well in this situation.

Carl was alright.

I've seen this mistake before in your writing and it's actually a pretty common one. "All right" is two words, not one..

The scales glistened in the fading sunlight, making it near impossible to tell their colour.

The "impossible to tell their color" is an awkward phrasing. Since I'm feeling rather braindead at the moment, I can't come up with a more natural way to say it, but...you should be able to.

“Carl…” my voice and knees gave out at this point. I sunk to the beach, still gaping at him. I finally managed to tear my eyes away, only to cover them with my hands. This wasn’t supposed to happen. The nice guys weren’t supposed to turn into mythical creatures. I moved my hands so tears could fall down my skin uninterrupted.

Another moment that's supposed to be emotional but just doesn't have much of an impact. In fact, I felt like giggling during some portions of this (namely, "the nice guys weren't supposed to..." part). Which is bad because, well, it's supposed to be an emotional scene, not humorous.

I didn’t think it would mater.

"Matter", not "mater".

His eyes showed sadness, but there was something else.

Meh, more vagueness. Excise these "somethings" and replace them with more specific language.

I didn’t exactly settle back down, but I stopped getting up. He seemed to be genuine in his emotions. And, I was curious at what he wanted to say. Memories of the summer were beginning to come back to me. The feelings I’d had for Carl weren’t so easily erased.

Another paragraph that's fairly mehh...it's the "feelings that I'd had" bit that's bothering me, but I can't say exactly why.

When he saw I wasn’t moving, he continued. “After I saw your family, I began to rethink what I was doing. That’s why I didn’t try to kiss you until tonight.” He lowered his eyes. “And even then, I couldn’t do it.”

Overall thoughts:

To be perfectly honest I didn't enjoy this as much as I should have. You've definitely produced better writing than this. =/ A lot of the problem comes from sections of this story that should be emotional, but somehow their execution makes them fall flat. I felt rather disconnected from the narrator at times, which is bad especially for a first person story.

The thing is, I still don't exactly know who both characters are as people. Carl is still the perfect boyfriend, with a faintly ominous edge, and the MC is just..well...she feels rather bland at the moment. Her only real character trait is naivete which comes from living isolated in a lighthouse. Keep it, since it's an integral part of her character, but there needs to be more to her--start with a name, maybe.

Her reaction to Carl revealing who he is also fell a little flat. I don't know, it seems to me that she accepted it much too easily. Sure, she was shocked, but I'd expect her to be a little more freaked out and maybe even in denial for a little bit, or at least wondering if she isn't hallucinating. As it is, her reaction stretches disbelief far too much.

I assume the contest is one for a fairy-tale...I'd say don't worry about the voice being not fairytale enough, because what I like is how you've subtly incorporated aspects of a fairy tale into the story. The "princess in the tower", the mysterious lover, etcetera. Even the personality-lacking characters could be chalked up to fairy-tale archetypes, though not in a good way. =/ I like how this is a modern-day story built around fairy-tale aspects, instead of an attempt to actually write a fairy tale. The low-key and understated way you've incorporated fairy tale elements keeps the story enjoyable. (Then again, this could be my bias against fairy tales speaking...).

The best thing you can do is to expand, especially since you have a lot of room to expand. Focus especially on making your characters real, living breathing people.

I'm still looking forward for the ending (I assume it'll be quite a downer). Sorry I didn't get so in depth this time around, I'm feeling very tired and not very lucid today. If you have any questions, PM me, and best of luck in the contest.

(I'll answer the PM you sent me soon, no promises since school starts tomorrow and today I'm mostly wrapping up last-minute business...that is, scrambling to finish my summer assignments)

So Rosey, I'm going to try to get this done before I go to bed.

It's a good continuation of your previous part. I do rather like it, especially the interesting twist that it has taken. Even though we've discussed this already, I still like it. You handled the revelation of Carl's inhuman attributes very well, taking something that is cliche and writing it so well that we enjoy it in spite of those cliches. Bravo.

As far as things that go wrong here, not seeing much of them. You might consider actually giving your MC a name, since I don't remember her having one. Then again, I have a bad memory, so it could just be a problem on my end.

I could see scales climbing up his back, like shrapnel had hit him and stayed.

Love this sentence. The shrapnel comparison is quite unique.

Once again, good job. I can't wait to see the last installment of this very interesting story. You've managed to get me hooked on a fantasy romance. In the wake of certain popular YA series, that is hard to do. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice