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Points: 314
Reviews: 63

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Fri Jun 11, 2010 8:06 pm

iheartbooks wrote a review...

I'm afraid that I'm not the best at actually editing it. I'm more of a Give-My-Opinion kind of person. So, my opinion is that it is good! I really like it! It has a good sound to it and the way you write is wonderful! I myself have tried to start a story with the same beginning as you have, the whole happy ending/ not happy ending, whatever you would call it! But I have never been able to make it work, but you just keep the story flowing. I didn't find myself bored or lost anywhere and the pace is excellent. I was amazed at how you made all of those weeks fly past, and yet, it seemed like you knew what they did thoughout all of them. All in all, it was a wonderful beginning to a story, but I've realized that it has a few parts and I would suggest turning it into a novel so people don't have to go searching around for the next part.

Keep writing!

-iheartbooks♥

Points: 8009
Reviews: 93

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Sun Aug 09, 2009 12:08 am

MagnusBane wrote a review...

Well, I really liked this story. It was well written and your style was consistent throughout the whole thing.

However.

The whole boyfriend-isn't-who-he-seems is kind of overdone by now. *cough cough Twilight* I could tell from the first few paragraphs that something wasn't going to be right with Carl. Now, whether this is good foreshadowing or a way too obvious plot, I don't know.

You also lost the fairytale feeling after the beginning, which was disappointing because the first paragraph seemed so promising.

When you said that Carl lived in the city, I was thinking apartments and concrete. I just can't put the lake and the city together in my head.

Overall, though, it's a good story. It really grabbed my interest, especially the first two paragraphs, and I can't wait to read the end. I can't wait to see what Carl is.

Points: 15698
Reviews: 369

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Sat Aug 08, 2009 10:41 pm

Conrad Rice wrote a review...

Finally got here.

So, I did like this story. In fact, I like it so much that I don't know if I will be able to come up with anything to point out. But I will certainly try.

Since you wanted a specific comment on your style, I'll give you one. Your style for this particular story is pretty good. I get a definite fairy-tale vibe from this, so good job on that.

After we talked about foreshadowing, I went back and looked at this again just to make sure. If you get rid of that last bit, just in the last sentence, you ought to be just fine.

So, not a lot. I tend to be rather short and to the point anymore. Once again, this is a good story, and I like it a lot. PM me if you have any questions, or just yell at me over IM. Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice

Points: 6396
Reviews: 273

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Sat Aug 08, 2009 8:23 pm

Explosive_Pen wrote a review...

Hi Rosey!
I agree with Evi about the beginning. It seems to be a little forced and tell-y.

It had started innocently enough.

The abruptness of this sentence suggests foreshadowing. I think it should be done a little more subtly.

my family was keeper of the lighthouse.

Though there's technically nothing wrong with this, it just bothers me. Family suggests more than one person, while was suggests only one. Maybe try "my family had been the keepers of the lighthouse."

But it was in late-summer, when thoughts that Carl would leave began to enter my mind, that I remember the most.

This sentence seems unusually long and clunky. I'm not sure how you can fix it, but play around with it, make it smoother.

I yelped and spun to face Carl, part of my turn being in mid-air

Now that would require some seriousa ninja training, hmm?I don't think she'd jump as she was turning...

My steps were almost in a straight line he was holding me so tight.

There should be a comma after line.

Next week!

Putting an exclamation point at the end of this implies that he said it enthusiastically. I'd end it with a simple period.

“I kinda have to be. There’s nobody else around for an hour. I can’t really afford to be picky.”

Lovelovelove ^^

He laughed and gripped my waist, lifting me out of the air and spinning me around.

"Lifting me out of the air" implies that she was, well, in the air. Maybe "lifting me into the air"?

I knew the only reason my mother had come was to meet the guy I’d been smiling about the past six weeks.

To meet the guy that I'd been smiling about for the past six weeks.

“I live by the lake. Really beautiful. You can see the sunset reflected in the water.”

Like Evi said, you typically don't think of cities having lakes. I know Montreal has a river, and Chicago has that Great Lake and New York City has a lake in Central Park. But anywho, people don't live, like, right by those... I'm rambling now. xD

But my grandma really wanted her to visit, so the trip’s worth it.”

Her? Her who?

Love your ending, but I don't think I'd have noticed his slip-up. To me, it just sounds like a mix-up of words, so maybe you should work to make it something more noticeable?

You'll probably clear this up in the second part, but here, we lose some of that fairy tale quality. It just sounds like two love-addled teenagers. While it's obviously well-written, it lacks something. It doesn't seem to have that fairy tale magic. Also, you don't provide much imagery. How does the ocean smell? How does the horizon look in the sunset? These things might seem insignificant since she's live there her whole life, but you still need to slip some details in for your readers. As it is, I can't really picture the world that she lives in. It's like in a painting - you still have to have a background to add some interest.

That said, good job and I can't wait for part two!

Points: 60568
Reviews: 537

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Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:45 pm

Evi wrote a review...

Here as requested! ^_^ Glad to see some competition in Tiff's contest, hehe. I would hate to be the only entry.

So, I'm actually not crazy about the beginning. But, that's just because of my reading preference. I don't really tend to enjoy first person stories where the MC talks about themselves a lot, about how they're telling a story and such instead of just narrating their life, if that makes any sense? Probably not, lol, but I think this is too essential for your story to really take out. Totally being unhelpful here.

We’d talked about American Idol and who we thought would win, and I told him about some episodes of Mythbusters that had made me fall off my chair laughing.

xD Love love.

But it was in late-summer, when thoughts that Carl would leave began to enter my mind, that I remember the most.

This seems a bit awkwardly phrased, especially the first phrase befor the comma. And since this is such an important sentence, I'd rework it so it's smoother.

I yelped and spun to face Carl, part of my turn being in mid-air,

In mid-air? How? That would involve her leaping into the air while rotating, which would be awkward because she's just trying to locate his voice, so she would take the straightest route to facing him-- which would be spinning in place, on the ground. xD See what I mean?

:arrow:

So, uh, I didn't realize that this was only the first installment? xD I reached the end and was like, um, what? Did I miss something? But! I was only momentarily confused.

So, over-all, this was very well-written. However, I've got two points to make.

a.) I don't think the fairytale aspect of this is strong enough. You start with Once Upon a Time and draw all of those parallels between your love story and the traditional princess happily ever after, but you don't carry that through any. It's like you throw in the first paragraph just so you can meet the contest requirements, and then forget that the story needs to somehow relate back to that beginning. Does that make sense? It's a random beginning that mentions fairytales, when there's no other mention of fairytales anywhere else in the piece (except probably at the end, I imagine). Try to be more consistant with your theme.

b.) The whole ending of this falls a little flat for me. I don't get what the big deal is-- his slip-up isn't obvious enough to seem as important as your narrator makes it. You only mention that he lives in the city once before, in a short sentence that we don't necessarily pay enough attention to, and so when you bring it up again in the end it seems insignificant.

And, on that note, city + lake doesn't really compute for me. When you say "he lived in the city" I imagine the CITY city, like New York or London or something big and bustling. And, generally, people don't think of big cities having lakes, they think of skyscrapers and parks maybe. This isn't really a big deal, but I just wanted to point out that the image of his "home" gets a little jumbled because of this.

But back to the ending! ^_^ I think you need to make his slip-up more apparent, and less innocent. Make him more confused and more hasty to cover up a lie he might have forgotten he said. Anyway. Just saying.

Tell me when the next part's up! ^_^ I'll gladly critique it. (Lol, and why do I keep thinking, "Merman! Merman!"

)

~Evi

Points: 4198
Reviews: 157

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Sat Aug 08, 2009 6:33 pm

Bickazer wrote a review...

Hi, Rosey, here's your review as requested. ^^

Only fairy-tales end that way, and my story is no fairy-tale.

Minor nitpick, but "fairy tale" is two separate words, no need for the dash.

He’d been cute, too.

This would be better stated in straight-up past tense, not the past perfect (especially since you stated his age in past tense before--be consistent with your tenses).

Dark hair and dark eyes with the perfect smile—my dream guy.

The way this is phrased makes it seem like the dark eyes have the smile, which I don't think you mean.

Also, I'd like to see more description of Carl besides his hair and eyes and smile. Does he have angular features? Does he still have baby fat? Has he got any unique scars or moles or freckles? What style is his hair in? Normally I wouldn't condone so much description, but the narrator is a girl who has a crush on the guy. I'd expect to see a bit more description of the guy.

But it was in late-summer

Again, "late summer" is two words.

“Carl?” In the five times he’d hidden, he’d never averted me this long.

"Avoided", I think you mean.

I yelped and spun to face Carl, part of my turn being in mid-air, and saw he’d been hiding behind a rather large rock. In a few moments I had turned to face him and was in his arms.

I can't really picture this movement, especially the turn being in midair.

The city closest doesn’t have a lake.”

"The closest city" would be a more natural phrasing.

Overall comments:

I understand that this is only the first part, and for a contest you probably have word limits, but much of this felt like it was going by too fast. I couldn't really fathom what would draw the MC to Carl. You tried to qualify it with their friendship, the MC's loneliness, and her referring to Carl in a positive manner, but it didn't really...click. A lot of that comes from Carl really having no personality. He just exists to be the MC's perfect guy. It is hard for a teenage girl to see her first crush objectively, and the story is told from the perspective of a love-drunk teenage girl, but all the same...Carl needs more substance. Otherwise, his relationship with the MC isn't believable.

Also, the part at the end with Carl's relationship with the water--it felt rather sudden, since you'd never described anything like that before. It felt suddenly thrown in as if you'd forgotten about it and only remembered it at that crucial point. As such, using it to set up a cliffhanger feels ineffective and a tad clumsy. Drop little hints here and there in the narrative--maybe a scene where the MC tries to persuade Carl to come a little farther from the ocean, and he refuses--and remove the foreshadowing at the end, since the hints should speak for themselves and the first paragraph of the story is already foreshadowing.

Again, there's the pesky problem of word limits, but I'd like to see a little more description. The setting has the potential to be a beautiful backdrop to the story--a craggy beachside, constantly pummeled by crashing waves. And the ocean itself seems to play a plot important role, so it's odd that it is never described. In a good story, the setting can influence the atmosphere as much as plot and character.

Finally, I was confused a lot about the tense switching early on, when you were inconsistent about whether the story was in past perfect or just plain past tense. I'd say just change everything to past tense, as that's easier to read than a lot of "had been"s.

It's a good story, and you've done well at building up an atmosphere of mystery--I'm dying to know what Carl really is. Your MC is also solidly developed and your prose is for the most part clear and concise, doing exactly its job to tell a story with no extra frills. All in all, this is a solid story, but not quite a great one because of the aforementioned flaws. I'm sure you have the talent to revise it successfully.

PM if you have any questions, and best of luck in the contest. ^^

Points: 890
Reviews: 16

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Fri Aug 07, 2009 10:03 pm

taytay0939 wrote a review...

Hi, I'm Taytay. I'm going to give your story a quick reveiw.

Once upon a time…

So many children’s stories start that way, and so many end with the prince sweeping his princess off her feet, in which they gallop away to live out the rest of their days in harmony. Even though my story begins with ‘once upon a time,’ it certainly doesn’t end with ‘happily ever after.’ Only fairy-tales end that way, and my story is no fairy-tale.

I really love that beggining! The way it warns that it's going to be no fairy tale isn't normal, but a very good strategy.

I couldn't really find mistakes, you are good!!

Charicters: you described them good enough, I would have liked to know what her mom and herself looked like though.

Scenary: You described it good enough I guess. The beach is a little harder to describe but you could try something describing the sunset or what time it was or whatnot.
:arrow:

Overall: You did really good and caught the reader's attention easily!

Points: 13247
Reviews: 188

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Fri Aug 07, 2009 6:44 pm

EmmaJane wrote a review...

Hey Rosey :mrgreen:

Seeing as the nit-picking's been done, I'll point out what I like, and my own nit-pickier nit-picks. If that makes sense. ^^

Once upon a time…
So many children’s stories start that way, and so many end with the prince sweeping his princess off her feet, in which they gallop away to live out the rest of their days in harmony. Even though my story begins with ‘once upon a time,’ it certainly doesn’t end with ‘happily ever after.’ Only fairy-tales end that way, and my story is no fairy-tale.

Such a well-known cliche start! But here you manage to pull it off wonderfully with what you've got following it. LOVE. ^^

When he’d told me his name, Carl, My heart had almost skipped a beat.

You've got capitalisation on the "m" in "my". Lowercase "m"?

The path I had to take led away from the sand, which made it a perfect time for me to hide.

Isn't Carl the one hiding, or do they both hide? *confused*

I was liking the touch

Sounds off to me. The sensation of his touch? Plus, everything else is past tense but this little bit.

I could see him thinking about something, and I found myself tilting my head up for a kiss.

Awww... ^^

As soon as she’d reached us, she’d handed it to me.

I have a problem with the "she'd"s. If you take out the "'d"s it would sound better. Keeps it active.

We continued talking, he, my mom, and I, but his slip-up wouldn’t leave my mind. It was really the first time I’d noticed anything odd about him. No matter what we had done, we were always near the water. Neither of us had suggested anything different; the beach was where we were most comfortable. And Carl had been so good at hiding it, I’d never seen what was waiting on the horizon.

Fantastic end to this chapter. I really want to know more. Please, PM me when you post more?

This is wonderful stuff. Dang, Rosey, why are so gooood? Your characterisation is untouchable. Great stuff.
Maybe more description? Plus, I noticed there were quite a few sentences starting with "I". Something which I'm terrible at doing, too.
Write more!

(and tell me when you do...) HOOKED. :wink:

~EmmaJane~

Points: 2154
Reviews: 119

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Fri Aug 07, 2009 5:55 pm

roon wrote a review...

Hello, Roon here! I like this, it’s interesting, different. Okay, I’ll go ahead with nitpicks now!

It just suite him so well.

Suited

My steps were almost in a strait

Straight

He laughed and gripped both my arms, lifting me out of the air and spinning me around.

This sounds kinda painful, hoisting someone up by the arms and spinning them around risks dislocating their shoulders the way I imagine it! When I did gymnastics we used to pick people up just under their armpits of that helps.

She cam running up to us,

Came

I knew the closets city with a lake

Closest

Okay, that’s all I saw, not much! I really thought this was fab, a good twist on a fairytale. This could have been cliché, but you wrote it really well, and it kept me hooked all the way through. It’s believable enough to be easy to identify with, but obviously at the same time fantasy. The style was brilliant. This is really good!

~ Roon

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