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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Wow, what a beautiful story! I just really love your attention to detail --especially this line:
It's simple, but there's a lot of understated beauty there, I think. I really just liked the whole way you wrote this scene of you in the playground.
There's not much I think I can critique you on. I was very moved by this piece
I don't want to write a review on this because I'd feel bad saying anything was wrong with it, because nothing was.
Truly inspirational
x
Utsukushii Rosey! Beautiful
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Okay, so, since I haven't critiqued today and this piece was really interesting, I will critique it for you
Nit-Pick
Yes, I start of the bat with the first sentence.. sorry. Alright, so, this sentence makes plenty of sense it's just I'm going out on a loop to say that I think there should be an 'and' put before 'hands'. Just an idea though.
This sentence feels very short against the rest. Maybe combine it into the second one with some connecting words or something. It just feels very fragmented in the area its in.
Okay, I lied. This entire bit feels very fragmented. This area can be connected in some places but yeah. Shorter, more fragmented lines like these are best used during a more dramatic area. This feels too fragmented for the topic. Make it flow more.
Ex, "She removed her hand out of the warmth of her pocket with some distain so that she could brush the dark brown tresses, that flew freely before her, behind her ear. Even such a short time in the cold was enough to chill her fingertips."
That way there is no redundancy and the shorter sentence doesnt sound as fragmented as it would next to other short sentences
Again, I spy too many periods. I like the 'It was early November' on it's own but the other two sentences could be combined to make it flow ever so brilliantly!
Awe, feels like elementary school all over again.
I don't really like how this is worded. I love the point being put across, but the 'mind much, that is' doesnt really work for me. It might to you though so I wont complain too much on the subject.
I really don't like brackets. I know, sounds weird, but I don't see brackets at all in literature, and that they are used sort of puts me off a story. This could be easily dashed in instead of brackets. Just a thought though.
Wow, a prestigious kid. I never worked hard at all in elementary... in fact I think I had my head in a book everytime someone was asking me to do anything XD.
I'm sure you mean 'then' instead of 'that'.
This area feels like an info-dump. It's very telly and not at all showy which is leaving something to be desired with this area.
"Troupe" should be 'troup'.
Everyone already got this part so I wont say any more on the subject ^_^.
Overall
Okay, usually I would go into the other areas but I was so touched by this piece that the other sections don't matter.
I give you so much props for finding yourself in writing and breaking through the pain that held you back. You are so much stronger then you think, and I can relate with you so much.
When I was young, I had the same issues with people, and often I was left out of things not because of how I dressed but because of my weight. I was often excluded because I was 'too big'. Of course, I'm not anymore but I know the pain of judgements especially the younger kids judgements and it's amazing that you have the courage to write your story down.
But always remember there are people out there just waiting to make your life happy. When I went into highschool my only friends were the ones I created on paper but I found people who love me for me and I write today knowing that without the hard experiences I would never have found the greatest passion of my life which is writing.
You are an inspiration. Know that, kay?
Your friend,
~The.Dreamwalker
Rosey Posey! You wanted an opinion on this so here I am. I’m not going to nitpick though as Stella took care of that.
Obviously, this is a very personal piece because its about you. It’s just that the retelling lacks your usual creative spark. Even reality can be imaginative as long as it’s done right. Something as simple as starting off the story with “Once upon a time,” would have given the story a softer feel. The sad Writer-ella or Snow Writer and the Seven Dwarves; something like that.
To boot, I think that you would have touched us more personally had you told the story in first person. By putting the story in third person, it felt very distant and a lot of the emotion that could have been captured was lost.
Lastly, as far as style goes, a lot of the sentences were long and they dragged. Short sentences are important for impact.
My own opinion is that you had a hard time looking at this critically because it was extremely personal. And when you write stories that are personal like that, you have trouble detaching yourself to see that it might need some improvement in the telling. With a l
little work, Rosey, you could really hit us hard with this story.
*huggles Rosey*
~lilymoore
Tee hee. I needed to post when I noticed this.
Shaken is correct. It is the past perfect (or pluperfect) form of shake, as opposed to the perfect (simply past) form.
Had shaken.
Shook.
Had shaken = past perfect
shook = past
The only way this would be shook is if it read: "The teacher just shook her head."
I think...
~Antigone
*snugs Rosey*
Hey Rosey, here I am for part two of my double whammy!
I. NITPICKS
Um... rotting leaves... make people sneeze? Okay...
fir, not fur, love.
Skorts *nods wisely*
Because she did! I always wore dresses when I was little...
I thought she wore skirts when the others wore trousers? Or is that part of the uniform...?
Thought? It's just... we were always tested when I was in primary school...
Ugh... I'm not a hundred percent, but shook, maybe? If you know it's shaken, then go with shaken, I know for a fact your grammar is better than mine
This whole thing is really confusing... the only one in the grade she skipped up to? Or the one below or... so is she in the one above the one she skipped up to or... yeurgh... Basically- I'd reword it...
was what?
Again, with the whole skipping a grade thing and... sorry, that's still bugging me here, it's confusing... is this the girl in the class she's now in? But if she was in class with her last year, and she skipped a year... are they still in the same class? I know there's an explanation, I'm just too stupid to see it.
anyway, perhaps?
I think you mean singing... haha, signing lessons, that'd be funny. "Today we're going to learn how to sign with a flourish!"
*wanders into a bizzarre daydream*
Aw... now I'll have to rethink my future...
Okay...
II. STYLE
In personal things, I'm not a fan of third person. It makes it seem distant. Now that may just be me, but also, some third person can work well...
I've tried this before, no names, only labelling "the girl" "the friend" "her mother"... I know what it's like, the style makes it very hard to make it personal...
I really don't know what to say at this point because I think that it could use being more personal but at the same time I understand you want to distance yourself from it. So... as unhelpful as it is, I'm kind of on the fence, because I'm slightly confused about where you're trying to come from. If it were me, I would try not to distance the audience so much, pull them in. Maybe, (I don't know if this could work), you could name the other characters- giving your MC (calling her your MC as a piece of work, not you as a piece of... confession?) a sense of smallness if you leave her unnamed, where the others are brought to life. I always feel that names bring characters into clearer focus...
If not, try finding things you remember about each person- when I did this once, (actually twice), there's one girl I constantly refer to as "the cat-eyed girl", and that becomes her new address, rather than her name. It'll also eradicate confusion. What distinctive features or idiosyncracies did the people you know have, things that made them different? If you use these, it'll draw us in more, make us aware of them as people more...
III. LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
(All comments in this section are personal, not literary)...
Once upon a time there was a girl called Stella who was made leave her primary school a year early to go to a new secondary school. The class was very small, and Stella was to spend all her time with only four other girls.
The four other girls shared a room every night when Stella went home. When she went to school, the other girls treated her as if they had forgotten her from the day before. They teased her and put her in awkward situations. They made her knock on the door and present herself before going into their room. They never acknowledged Stella's good grades as being something worth complimenting, only to say she must spend all her time at home- when they didn't see her- studying...
Stella got very upset every night and cried and told her mother. Her mother decided that they would have to take her out of the school. One day the other girls attacked Stella with perfume and deodorant, one day they made her sit behind the curtains while they all ran away...
But Stella didn't leave and four years later, Stella is still in the same school, and three of the four girls are still there too. She shared a room with one of them for a whole year, and one she is sometimes close friends with (even if they sometimes snap at each other). The other and her will never be close, but sometimes she confides things in Stella she wouldn't tell anyone else... and Stella has other friends all over the place, and maybe she might live happily ever after.
*huggles Rosey*
IV. OVERALL
A very brave piece to write that smacks of emotion. As I say, it could use some extra personal touches, but don't worry too much.
Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!
-Stella.
Wow, what a personal piece... I'd feel a bit bad critiquing it!
However, I really don't understand what the problem was with the girl. Was ADHD the learning disability? Or Tourette's? That would make sense with the screaming... I don't know, I always come at this sort of thing with a medical perspective, probably because my dad's a doctor, I feel like I have to make a diagnosis. ^^;
Really loved this image here:
It reminds me of shredding old black + white photographs, and it makes you pause because you usually think of "shedding tears", but it's a nice switch-up.
It's great you feel comfortable enough to share this with us... and I wish you luck in your writing career! It's kind of interesting to learn how people started writing, and this gives us such a better understanding of you and your motivations. ^^