.

I posted this on the essay as well so you can go back to my critique while editing. ^_^


That's how you were told to write it?
Wow...

Welllll, the thesis can be the hardest part of an essay to write.
What you should try to do is say what you are discussing without blatantly saying. "I will discuss."

First, give the main idea of the your essay. Then, briefly describe some of what will come in.

Sometimes you can try to start with something "catchy".

Here is one of my theses from a research paper I received 105 on lol:

Three numbers: 20,000- The number of people who attended the first major demonstration against the Vietnam War. 10,000- The amount of money you could be fined for burning your draft card. 19- The average age of a Vietnam War veteran and the average age of a protester. America’s youth completely changed the world through protesting. With slogans such as “Hell No, We Won’t Go” and “Make Love Not War,” as well as the famous peace symbol, anti-war organizations helped end the controversial war in Vietnam. After protesting began and organizations were founded, draft card burnings and sit-ins became commonplace. Turning on the news, and seeing that four students had been killed in a peaceful protest was a normal dinnertime event. Music became a form of self-expression that educated America and shaped the minds of the country’s young.

Note how I make it obvious what my topic is without blatantly stating it. I also briefly discuss the three subtopics of my paper:

--The Youth Movement
--The Draft
--Music/Popular Culture in Protesting.

Hmmm. Your back history seems fine. I just would like you do add some detail on the Wyatt rebellion, and perhaps find a few other instances where the two sources differ.

Eep... I always get nervous when reviewing your stuff...

But, here as requested!

My reason to compare these sources is to see how the same events differ when written in essay and narrative format. My first source is a biography titled Elizabeth, the Struggle for the Throne by David Starkey. My second source is a historical novel titled Elizabeth, Captive Princess by Margaret Irwin. The events I have chosen to focus on are Queen Jane Grey’s short reign, Mary deciding to marry Philip II of Spain, and the time Elizabeth spent in the Tower of London.

This is kind of a weird way to begin your essay:

-- Most English/Language teachers frown upon personal pronouns such as "I" and "my" in an informative essay, unless it is something like a memoir.
-- Don't say "this essay will discuss". Not only should the reader be able to tell what you are discussing, but you should have a heading and (If you wish) some sub headings.

For example:

Comparing Essay and Narrative Format on the Same Topic
Elizabeth, the Struggle for the Throne by David Starkey vs. Captive Princess by Margaret Irwin.

Now, I've read your heading and I know what to expect. Now you should jump right into the essay.

For example:

In the case of Jane Grey's short reign... etc.

The introduction should give me the gist of what your essay is about, not exact topics.

***Note: If you don't agree with this, my mother is a language teacher and a former editor, and I asked for her help reviewing this. So this is how a teacher would view your essay.

Elizabeth was Henry VIII’s second child of three. Elizabeth’s older sister Mary I was a devout Catholic, Elizabeth’s younger brother Edward VI was Protestant, as was Elizabeth.

Perhaps you should mention that Elizabeth and Edward were raised Protestant while Mary was raised Catholic? Remember, Henry VIII changed the church so he could leave Catherine of Aragon, Mary's mother and marry Anne Boleyn, Elizabeth's mother. I just feel like you should mention a little back history of Henry changing the church. ^_^

cousin Lady Jane Grey the next queen.

I would put commas around the name.

"...cousin, Lady Jane Grey, the next queen."

Mary entered the city and won a cope

I'm guessing this is just a word I don't know, but how can one win a "deal with" or "survive" (as in, I don't see how a word meaning those can be "won."

is where I begin my comparison.

You are the unbiased narrator! No personal pronouns. *whacks on head* Sorry, that was harsh. *hands Rosey a cookie* But really, just say something like, "is when my two sources begin to differ."

stay be her side.

Stay be her side? I think you meant "by".

Northumberland

Ha, I just had to comment on this. What a name!

Northumberland’s controlling personality

You didn't mention his personality before...

she was Tudor

This makes sense, but I would say, "...she was a Tudor."

Several facts are presented in the novel that are missing in the biography, such as the tops of oak trees in Jane’s fief being cut off when she was beheaded.

But do you know these are facts? Or were they just the author putting in her own musings for dramatic effect?

In the next sentences, you mention these could be inaccurate, so I wouldn't refer to them as facts.

Wyatt Revolt

Hmm, I think you should give a little information about the revolt.

***Also: You write it correctly here, but all the other times you mention "Wyatt Revolt", you forgot to capitalize revolt. It happened a lot, so I thought I'd just briefly mention it.

Catholic sister Mary.

Put a comma before Mary.

In Elizabeth, Captive Princess Margaret Irwin

Comma before the author's name.

I believe she did this to tell a better story.

Personal opinion again.

This was a good essay. I hope some of this critique helped...

Eep. Reviewing your writing is so intimidating...

--Sakura