The Hidden Star

Hi! I saw your link on the Blue Moon wall and decided to check your story out!

You sure have a lot of reviews already here, haha. So, if I repeat what anyone else has already said, I'm sorry, I just don't have the time to read through all their reviews.

So, let's get started! I won't go into too much detail, but just enough.

In the first sentence, true love's doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, I think it sounds better if it was like this: as I gaze into the eyes of my true love, Zack.
you could exclude his name if you want.

Next, you have 6 days earlier in parentheses, and I'm not sure why. There's only one sentence before that, and there really isn't a purpose of stating that. It just doesn't make sense. Six says earlier than what?

Now, for the description. I'm sure everyone below me mentions this, so I'll just say it real quick. Show, not tell! Haha. It literally makes such a big difference. Right now, this story is just telling. she does this and that, and then they go here and there. I want to be able to clearly imagine what is happening as if I was there!
You could describe what Zack is like and his relationship with the protagonist, why she had a feeling they were going to break up, how their date went, etc.
Adding in these small details will improve the story so much.

Lastly, the title. I sort of get the relevance between the title and the story, but I think it needs to be explained a little better. Is there a literal star that was hidden before they kissed? Is it supposed to be metaphorical? Is she interested in astronomy/astrology?

So that's all I have to say! This was a cute little read, but it could use a little tweaking. Especially the description! It would be such a wonderful story with some juicy details. Haha, happy writing!

Hi, steampowered here for a review!

Well… this was certainly an interesting story. Succinct and sweet, with a lovely ending, it really made me feel good. It’s a real talent to tell a story in so few words, so you should be proud!

This was really well-written, but perhaps this story might benefit from being broken up into paragraphs. As it’s so short, it might have been your intention to write the story that way, but it might read better if your sentences aren’t clumped together in a continuous flow of text.

There’s only one thing that didn’t quite sit right with me and it’s this bit here:

It is January 31 so, we only have 3 more days till our anniversary. Zack was going to take me to this fabulous dinner at Le Meurice. I had everything except a dress, so I went and bought the most magnificent dress ever. Before I went to bed I had the most horrible thought ever that Zack and I would break up on our anniversary. I was so scared that we would so that is what I thought until our anniversary dinner. When he came and picked me up for our dinner he told me that I was the most beautiful young woman that he has ever laid eyes on.

Haha, wow! It seems you have gotten a lot of reviews on this, yet you still want to improve it. I like your spirit! The story is touching, but I get the feeling it seems somewhat.. lacking. Grammatically it was very correct, no punctuation errors.. beautiful in that respect. Yet, I think I can help, I will try my best. I think you need a tone here, either expand the feeling of darkness when you thought he wouldn't love you, or expand the feeling of happiness. Show rather than tell most of this. Emotions can't truly be from the heart if told like a thought. For example, when he's about to kiss you, something like this would be more emotional:
"..looked at me strangely. His eyes shined, the water in them seemingly smiling at me. His jaw was set, as a hunter's is when looking at prey. Their was a purpose behind them-a hidden star in the sky." Just using that imagery and not directly saying "he was about to kiss me," really helps develop the story. That imagery also sucks your readers in, because many don't understand that feeling of bliss, and the feeling of your heart afterwards. So details, details, details man. Bring it out, stretch out the most important moments like they were some of the most vividly remembered living moments in your head. Write that your heart and head remember this as one. I mean, you can do so much with this. Most important though, try to show more rather than tell. That's all I have, sorry if it's not enough. That was an amazing piece, so don't give up on it! It was pretty inspiring, so be sure to get inspired even more! Don't give up hope on this piece, and always come back to it. Alright, well done! Cynder out.

Hello!

As the other reviews have mentioned, you do need a little bit of paragraphing and organization here. It would be more pleasurable to read if this is separated into different paragraphs.

I think this piece could use more imagery in the climax part. Perhaps describe more about the park? Or describe some more about the sky. Very often a romance, or any other short story needs some description about the environment to create an atmosphere that can draw your readers closer to the character and your plot by evocating .

Ah- I just notice a sentence. "I see a new star like it was waiting for me to have my kiss." I think you should change the 'see' into 'saw' because in the whole piece you used past tense. But in fact I make this mistake quite frequently. So...just a kind reminder.

Overall it is a romantic read, and please keep writing!

Okay! Zhia here to review your short story! But even though I'm your friend, I'm not going to be nice with reviewing, so prepare yourself.

Okay. I'm not one to review romance, so bear with me. I like the idea, but it is a bit clichéd. The title works well for the story, but it doesn't make sense. Is Kelly the hidden star? Or their love? That needs a bit of clarification.

Nitpicks:

First of all. You need paragraphs in order for a story to be a story. It's really hard to read something that's just a long string of sentences that aren't organized at all.

Most of your grammar is perfect, you just need punctuation. I'll correct it here.

The stars were as beautiful as they have ever been as I gaze into my True Love's eyes.

(6 Days Earlier)
I'm Kelly, and I'm 17. I am an only child, because my mom died when I was five and wasn't able to have anymore children. My dad is an alcoholic. I mostly live on my own, but my wonderful boyfriend Zack helps take care of me. I spend most of my time with Zack. He and I have been dating for almost one year now. Our one year anniversary is in three days, and I'm as excited as any girl would be on their first anniversary. Zack is going to take me to this fabulous dinner at Le Meurice.

I have everything except a dress, so I went and bought myself a stunning gown. Side note: If her mom's dead and her dad's an alcoholic, where does she get the money to buy this dress? She hasn't been to collage yet, so she can't get a really well paying job... But before I went to bed that night, I had the most horrible thought ever. My mind spun up the thought that Zack and I would break up on our anniversary. I was so terrified that breaking up was the reason why he invited me, and that's what I thought right up to the minute he picked me up. When he came by to pick me up for our dinner he told me that I was the most beautiful young woman that he has ever laid eyes on. When I heard that, my eyes lit up and I got the most wonderful gut feeling, one that said we were going to be together forever.

We arrived at Le Meurice and agreed to eat at a skylight table on the balcony. It was perfect to me, absolutely perfect. We ate and talked and talked and talked. After dinner he took me on a midnight stroll in the park. Side note: They eat until midnight? O.O that must be a lot of food. The sky was absolutely incredible. We walked down the sidewalk, holding hands until Zack stopped and looked at me strangely. I was confused as I noticed that we were standing there under an arch. Then all of a sudden he leaned towards me gently. I was shocked. He was kissing me! It was the most incredible moment of my life, I thought. I looked up into the sky and all of a sudden I saw a bright new star finally peeking out like it was waiting for me to have my kiss. That was the most magical night of my life. That is the story of the hidden star.

I shall review this later. *places in review box* However, this review will be very long and nitpick, so be prepared.

The idea is great! Although it needs some fine tuning. When you say, "he told me that I was the most beautiful lung woman", what do you mean by lung? Other than that it's pretty good. Only there are a fair amount of typos and grammar errors that can be easily fixed. For example, when you say "expect a dress" i think you mean except. Easy fix. I hope my review was helpful! Really nice writing!

This is a great story! A little short though, I think that the idea is so great! I think that you should write more. Ok, and now for some more.

I feel that you have really short sentences you can combine, like:

"I am an only child. My mom died when I was 5 and my father is an alcoholic."

I would change it to:
"I am an only child, more or so that my mom died when I was 5, and my father is a alcoholic."
Also you should fix this:

"My name is Kelly, I am 17 years old."
OK, it should be:

"My name is Kelly, and I am 17 years old."

*(and for future reference, you should write your numbers out, it looks a little nicer.)

Overall, it was such a sweet story, and I wish I were in Kelly's place when the kiss happens. No Joke!
That is about it, my friend. Great job! Keep writing!

This is a great story! A little short though, I think that the idea is so great! I think that you should write more. Ok, and now for some more.

I feel that you have really short sentences you can combine, like:

"I am an only child. My mom died when I was 5 and my father is an alcoholic."

I would change it to:
"I am an only child, more or so that my mom died when I was 5, and my father is a alcoholic."
Also you should fix this:

"My name is Kelly, I am 17 years old."
OK, it should be:

"My name is Kelly, and I am 17 years old."

*(and for future reference, you should write your numbers out, it looks a little nicer.)

Overall, it was such a sweet story, and I wish I were in Kelly's place when the kiss happens. No Joke!
That is about it, my friend. Great job! Keep writing!

I really like your connection between the title and the story itself. I find it very moving. I would work on your grammar and such. But it is a very nice short story! I enjoyed reading it.