I am the
keeper of light, I follow the wind- to where violent storms tear shallow skin.
When the sky
rains fire and tears and the world is built of ash,
then do I
come, to wipe the acid from your face
and sweep up
the broken bits of treasured dreams.
Many seek
me, many would know my name, and to them I say-
Careful, sweet love, I burn
For the
world is precious to me, and though not a soul has seen my face,
I see all
I hear all
I
know all
My children,
you know me not,
but here I
lay, atop the highest mountain face-
here I
cherish those shattered dreams, stored within glass jars.
(If only you could see how they shine-
each
crushed hope still brighter than the stars)
Here, I
remember what is forgotten, love what has been lost,
mend what
was broken, mourn what is gone.
The stars
fall from the sky and the earth trembles to hear my sorrow for you-
yes, your
pain is great-
I’d give the universe to bear it for you
but you know
me not, and so, now and always,
I love you from afar.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,027 Literary Works • 672,773 Reviews
This speaks to me. <3
Thanks, I'm glad. <3
This is gorgeous. <3
Aww, thanks... <3
You've written an enjoyable poem to read.
Critiques
I felt some of the lines were quite long so it became hard to follow the meaning to the end of the line. The rhythm of the poem especially the first stanza, was great, and very lyrical. Each line read easily into the next.
Overall this poem had great language and the formatting was creative and I believe successful, however I'm having a little trouble deciphering the meaning out of the poem. I can't really be critical of that because it is most often the reader not the author's fault for not understanding a poem, and I also like to write in a way that does not always clearly state the meaning. However, it is something to be conscious of.
I don't think the italics added much to the poem. Like I said before, the formatting was creative and added, but at points the clunky indentation was distracting.
My favorite line (although I thought it was too long) was "The stars fall from the sky and the earth trembles to hear my sorrow for you". This, and actually the whole last stanza, was absolutely beautiful. It was lovely and about love, without being cliche.
Overall Impressions
It was an interesting read and I can say that I definitely have not read something like this before. It was not a generic or cliche poem, which I appreciate after often seeing what seems to be the same lines, themes, and poems written in the same ways again and again, it's nice to see something new. I think overall this poem could use more direction and focus. You paint a lovely picture, but I am completely unclear of what I am looking at. It's possible that you tipped the scales to heavily to the descriptive/lyrical end of the scale and need to put a little more weight on the narrative end.
Good job and good luck in future writing!
~alliyah
Thanks for reviewing! I would like to point out that the italics indicate spoken lines, and that this is a figurative poem- open to interpretation, but I imagine it being from God's perspective- perhaps a love letter of sorts, addressed to the world in general. This might clear up some confusion as to the meaning of the poem.
That does clear up the meaning a bit and that is a really neat perspective. I understood the italics to be spoken as the first was used after the words "I say", but I'm still not sure it adds anything that quote marks or the parentheses you already have couldn't. Great job!
Oh my, I am speechless!
This is one of the most beautiful poems I've ever read. It's magical, it's surreal, it's mysterious. I would I just say that, but I'm here to write a review. So, here goes. I will write in sections of things I like/want to comment on.
Formatting:
I'm new here at YWS, so I'm at lost when it comes to formatting. And can I say that it definitely makes a poem shine as brightly as the hopes you described? It really makes a ton of difference for the effect your poem has. If anything, there is no punctuation at the end of some lines. That being said, it actually compliments the flow of your piece.
Rhyming: Just absolutely gorgeous! Often times rhyming sounds cliche in poems. But that is not the case here.
"Here I cherish those shattered dreams, stored within glass jars...each crushed hope still brighter than the stars."
Wow...the scenes in my head tell me you have a wonderful gift, DragonLily. I also adore how your rhyme flows consistently throughout this entire piece.
Story: The story you tell here is a mysterious one. It leaves me with thought-provoking questions. Who is the narrator? (I actually would like to keep wondering, don't tell me.) what does this "jar of stardust" represent in reality? All very insightful. My, I wish I knew you in the real world. No one's poems have this effect on me. This is so very lovely, dear. Please do t ever stop writing. Happy Review Day!
You made my day with this review.
Thank you so much!
This is quite a beautifil work of art. I will come back tomarrow for a more in depth review