Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
Prologue
Tuesday 4/25/1995
Today is the second day since my mother, Marie Princeton, was admitted into the hospital. Today my best friend, Rose Mayfair, and I are visiting my mom at Maryjane’s Memorial Hospital. What I didn’t know was that because of the fact I was sweet and well behaved I would be targeted by something or someone unimaginable.
1st Chapter
Sunday 2/13/2002
It’s been seven years since I first started having paranormal experiences. I’m so happy my girlfriend, Rose Mayfair, doesn’t mind she actually likes it. Since we were kinds she loved paranormal movies, books and other paranormal things. I’ve started writing this journal so that I can analyze what the person or thing wants. I will be writing what I think might be haunting me, what its past is like and what it wants.
I’m pretty sure the thing that’s haunting me is a spirit of a young child. I think it’s a young child because it plays childlike pranks, usually using fire. It also makes it seem like I play the pranks on my father and his experiments. I can’t explain everything off of my intuition alone, so I’m saving up my allowance to get an Ouija board so that I can try to talk to it, I can already kind of make out its shape and barely hear mumbles from it, but it’s unclear what it is yet.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello.
Kanome here with a review.
Sooo... as far as I could see, this story is about paranormal.
I like the plot of the story, but this needs a little more work.
First off, the prologue is too short.
You didn't explain why the mother was in the hospital.
You didn't really give much background information about the main character or his mother around that time where she was admitted into the hospital.
The first chapter is short also...
I suggest posting the prologue then post the first chapter. It seems easier to read that way, plus, it won't make the readers all confused.
I didn't explain the main character's background or his girlfriend's.
Also, where did this take place? I don't see the setting here anywhere.
I think you need to work on this a little more.
It was a great start, but it needs more editing and proofreading.
Keep up the great work.
I can't wait to read more.
Kanome
i liked it but this is too short.please fix that
Hello, Rose0Thorn! I'm here to review.
It's an interesting beginning to your story and I actually think it would make an awesome graphic novel! I only have one nitpick and it's just a little editing error...
For a prologue, the length is okay. However, the first chapter is quite short. I know this is only one part of it, but I suggest that you write the rest of it and then post it as one full piece. The story however, is pretty cool. I remember I wrote a story with a similar format once, I was pretty proud of it.
I’m so happy my girlfriend, Rose Mayfair, doesn’t mind she actually likes it.
You need to somehow separate 'doesn't mind' and 'she actually' so that the sentence will flow better. A comma could work.
That's all from me. Keep writing!
Hey there,
Silver at your service. I'll be reviewing your chapter. First, I'd like to congratulate you for commencing a story. Welcome to YWS! Ok, so the plot that you are going for is on the right track but in order to provide the readers with a more enjoyable experience, you need to use more detailed accounts. I know you're just getting started but to attract more attention and garner more followers you need to make it more exciting. I loved the way you keep it all together and its intense. Good job! I really like the diary entry idea, complete with the date and the Self-talk. Also, the third line of the chap is missing a word. You forgot to write what 'kinds' they were.
Thanks for posting a wonderful chapter. Wish you all the best. Keep writing!
Cheerio
~ SilverKnight007
Heyyy.
Okay so, I like the plot you're trying to create here. I suggest you to add some more content to this, you have the skeleton, but you need more work.
I didn't look too hard, so I couldn't find any glitch. BUT, I didn't look too hard, that's the problem. Add something that compels the reader to go on. Okay? They're just suggestions, it's your thing, your way
So, I think you should add more the little boy thing here. Just a little hint of something, that triggers suspense. And talk more about the relationship with her mother and her girlfriend. Lengthen it a bit.
I'm looking forward to more of this
Keep writing and keep smiling.
xoxo
Oh and one more thing, I don't think you need to rate it 16
Thanks for all the advice, I really appreciate it.