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140,078 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hi, Rosamunroe.
I am GeeLyria, and I will be reviewing for you today.
Your poem definitely has potential. However, it needs some improvements to achieve 100%. In this review, I will be talking about uniformity. Even though your poem is very intense and anyone who can relate to it can find it likable, it lacks consistency. I noticed you placed some commas around, but there are some missing, too. The fourth line is an example of what I'm telling you:
Your punctuation really needs to be stable, and by that I mean that you need to place all the missing commas and periods. Why is this important? Because the more professional you are, the more serious they will treat you. If writing is an important part of your life, you will spot the rationality in my suggestions. :]
I also want to talk about the length patterns of your lines. If you take a look at your piece, some of them are drastically short and some are way longer. If I have to suggest something, I'd tell you to make your poem a little more square-like. Why? Because it's nicer to the eye, and it will make the reader feel more welcomed. You can take commas as an opportunity to create more lines and make your poem more organized.
Sidenote: Check third line. Are you sure "plain" is the word you were wanting to write?
Overall, you did a decent job. There's my grain of sand. I hope I've expressed myself correctly. However, if you have any questions, feel free to contact me. <3
~GeeLyria
What noma says is right. This poem has really powerful emotion. Really powerful. Of course, it would be easier to understand if it was broken into lines and stanzas, but I don't think you wanted easy to understand. That takes away from the emotion, so in a way, I really like the original set up you used.
The only mistake I saw is that the first comma needs to be moved back one space. Other than that, the whole poem is thought provoking, and leaves us with more questions than answers. Nice.
This poem had a really powerful and dark tone. However, some parts were rather confusing, and some of it came off as a tad pretentious.
You use a lot of rain imagery, and the whole poem was about her losing someone. So, the last line (I don't know if thats the proper term for it) was quite confusing to me because of the fire imagery and the sense of optimism. It just dosen't seem to fit the atmosphere of the poem.
The train image could do with some development. What is it doing, where is it going, what is its value?
The lack of punctiation except for the double question marks tossed randomly about was quite a bit grating, and came out as a little pretentious. It makes it seem like its trying too hard to be artsy.
I hope I don't come across as being too harsh, I really liked the atmosphere this poem evokes.