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The Wind's Tale

by RosalynWilde


This was long before any could have known. Long before humanity entirely. Long before life. The wind was howling and throwing things about. Then came the clouds and growled at him with anger:



“Who gives you permission to trespass?” The wind quieted down and gave them a hard look.



“Myself. I do not take orders from anything.” The clouds collided with each other and created piercing hot lightning, which striked the wind. The wind shook his massive head, unharmed.



“I am air, clouds! I am everything and nothing! You cannot harm me!” The clouds looked at each other and sighed.



“The queen wishes to see you, then.” The wind blew after the clouds, hanging unto them as they led him farther into the sky, where the sun sat.



She smiled down at them warmly and motioned for the clouds to move away.



“Oh dearest wind. I seek your help.” The wind considered and answered:



“For what, might I ask?” The sun dimmed slightly, making the wind wonder.



“Ah, dearest wind, my brother, the moon, is threatening to bring eternal darkness upon the earth. I need you to defeat him.” The wind shook his massive head once more.



“Oh, sun, I am afraid I cannot. The moon is a powerful man. I am nothing but mere air.” The sun started weeping silently, her tears forming small golden flowers on the earth. The wind could do little to comfort her, therefore he asked:



“Where does the moon reside?” The queen silenced her sobs and glanced at him.



“Farther into the sky, with the silver stars.” The wind bid her farewell and flew over to the sky. The moon was large and so powerful and bright back then, looking down on earth with pride and rein.



The wind went over and bowed as low as he could.



“My dearest moon, I have heard you wish to darken earths days?” The moon turned to him with a certain glare and frowned.



“It is so. What business do you have with me, wind?”



“Why, I wish to help you, of course!” The moon narrowed his beady eyes and hummed.



“Hm. Very well. But you must swear an oath first. The stars shall tell you what to say.” One of the stars hopped down and perched beside the wind.



“To the skies and the earth,” The twinkling star started, “I shall forever serve the sir moon.” The wind swore; however, he left out one word so the oath would not be really binding.



The moon and the star seemed not to notice, and so he served beside the moon until the day came to defeat his sister. The wind watched from afar as the moon went over to her. The clouds blocked his path with a growl:



“How dare you come here? Turn back at once!” However, the moon snuck a glance over to the wind, and he gently blew the clouds away. The sun sat on her throne of the sky, dozing off quite soundly. The moon snuck over as to not awaken her, and then with that, the sky suddenly went dark.



The wind, now alarmed, peaked at them both; what he saw amazed him to no end: There was the moon, covering the light of the sun with his dark form.



The wind was enraged and cold, for the sun was not there to warm the day, and blew the moon far away where he would not find his way.



The sun had awakened and looked quite frightened. The wind went over to her and gently blew on her hot face, cooling her and calming her down.



“Ah, gentle wind! How could I ever repay you?” The wind shook his head and smiled.



“Let me blow on certain days and bring the clouds over, covering you while you go to sleep. There should be 30 days each, and we will call those months. 12 months will be a year, and I shall blow 6 months and you can rest while I do so.” The sun agreed to this, and therefore seasons were created.



Every few years the moon found his way back and covered the sun, and every time the wind blew him far away, therefore those times were called eclipses.



What became of the stars? They rested when night came to be beside the moon and lit the light he had lost.


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196 Reviews


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Sun Dec 15, 2019 2:44 am
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
I LOVE this. I've always enjoyed stories that involved events that happen before the world began.

Nitpicks & Grammar

Let's start with this sentence-

The clouds collided with each other and created piercing hot lightning, which striked the wind.

I think the word struck would work better then the word striked.

“Oh dearest wind. I seek your help.”

You need a comma after the word oh.

The wind was enraged and cold, for the sun was not there to warm the day, and blew the moon far away where he would not find his way.

That would sound better if you had written it like this-
...and blew the moon so far away he would never find his way back.

Or something like that.
Other then that you did fine here.

Style & Error
It looks like jster covered the issues with the plot, so I'll focus on some other issues. For one thing I feel like your dialogue could use some work.
“It is so. What business do you have with me, wind?”



“Why, I wish to help you, of course!” The moon narrowed his beady eyes and hummed.



“Hm. Very well. But you must swear an oath first. The stars shall tell you what to say.” One of the stars hopped down and perched beside the wind.



“To the skies and the earth,” The twinkling star started, “I shall forever serve the sir moon.” The wind swore; however, he left out one word so the oath would not be really binding.

I don't think a ''powerful man'' like the Moon would let Wind serve him so easily. He would more likely have Wind put through a Trial to prove his loyalty etc etc.

The wind was enraged and cold, for the sun was not there to warm the day, and blew the moon far away where he would not find his way.

I have the feeling that you need to go into a little more detail about what that was like. I mean this is a key moment of the story. You need to give it more attention then that.

Every few years the moon found his way back and covered the sun, and every time the wind blew him far away, therefore those times were called eclipses.

That's a little repetitive don't you think?

“How dare you come here? Turn back at once!” However, the moon snuck a glance over to the wind, and he gently blew the clouds away.

Maybe you should have more of a fight here. It too easy ''blowing them away.''

Finally there's the issue of character development. To put it bluntly, the Wind needs more character.

In the start of the story he seems confident, bold and defiant-
“Myself. I do not take orders from anything.” The clouds collided with each other and created piercing hot lightning, which striked the wind. The wind shook his massive head, unharmed.



“I am air, clouds! I am everything and nothing! You cannot harm me!” The clouds looked at each other and sighed.


.
Yet here we don't see any of that bold defiant spirit, and he's even called gentle-
“My dearest moon, I have heard you wish to darken earths days?” The moon turned to him with a certain glare and frowned.



“It is so. What business do you have with me, wind?”



“Why, I wish to help you, of course!” The moon narrowed his beady eyes and hummed.



“Hm. Very well. But you must swear an oath first. The stars shall tell you what to say.” One of the stars hopped down and perched beside the wind.



“To the skies and the earth,” The twinkling star started, “I shall forever serve the sir moon.” The wind swore; however, he left out one word so the oath would not be really binding.



The moon and the star seemed not to notice, and so he served beside the moon until the day came to defeat his sister. The wind watched from afar as the moon went over to her. The clouds blocked his path with a growl:

You need to change that.

Other then that you did fine <3

Overall this was a neat story that desperately needs to be expanded upon and fleshed out a little more, but it has a lot of potential. Keep writing! <3

EverLight Out




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Sat Dec 14, 2019 2:58 am
jster02 wrote a review...



This story had a certain fairytale-like quality that I rather enjoyed, it reminded me of those old folktales that tried to explain why the world is the way it is. I've always loved it when forces of nature, such as the sun, the moon, and the stars are personified, there's just something so beautiful about it that I can't quite put my finger on. You added to this feeling with little details, such as the sun's tears turning into flowers, which I really appreciated. I especially liked the line, "Farther into the sky, with the silver stars," as it was quite poetic.

Though I enjoyed it, I thought it felt a little bare bones. Some places felt like they could use an extra line or two, to help with the pacing. For example, when the wind first travels to the moon, you might want to put a sentence describing the journey. It can be something as simple as "the journey took a full day," so long as it offers a smooth transition instead of jumping straight into the encounter with the moon.

The final confrontation was another place I thought needed a little more. This could easily fixed by waiting until the wind starts blowing the moon away to reveal that they had worded the oath differently. Maybe the moon is surprised by the betrayal and reminds the wind of it's oath, to which the wind could respond by saying that they left out the word "forever." (I can only assume that's what happened). To make sure this doesn't seem like it comes out of nowhere, you could have the wind actually repeat the oath with the omitted word in a second line of dialogue instead of simply telling us they said it, for a healthy bit of foreshadowing. There were a few more places I thought needed a few extra sentences, but I won't list them all here for the sake of time.

There were a few minor inconsistencies in the plot I'd like to address. They're a little nitpicky, but I figured I'd talk about them here in case you wanted to change them. For starters, I was a little confused as to why the clouds said the sun had wanted to see the wind after they had attacked. If she'd trusted the wind enough to give them the mission, why didn't they just ask for him to come without attacking? And if there wasn't any trust involved, why didn't the sun just ask someone else?

I also found it odd that the wind wanted to blow clouds over the sun, as I couldn't really see why they wanted to do so. How would this benefit them? Did they just want more freedom to move about or is there some other reason? It would've been nice to at least have had some little detail at some point explaining why, maybe at the beginning when you first introduced the character of the wind.

You also called the moon "a man" at one point. There's nothing necessarily wrong with this, I just thought it seemed a little out of place after you said that humans had yet to walk the earth. Where would such a term come from? But like I said, it's a really minor detail, so don't worry about it if you don't want to.

Anyways, I'd like to say again how much I enjoyed the story, despite all my gripes. This is just my opinion, so feel free to ignore any of it if you disagree. After all, it's your story. Hope to read more of your work soon!

-Jster




RosalynWilde says...


Thank you for reading! I'll keep those in mind!



jster02 says...


You%u2019re welcome! :)




Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said