Yes, yes, yes. This is going somewhere and is almost there.
I love the images you choose to focus on: the milk and honey oozing from the cracks, the shine of the apple. You keep up strictly poetic description even through to the idea of voices going a bit flat.
Then you've become interested in the descriptions of specific actions that feel more like a story than a poem, and I really also like the idea of just passing around homemade donated meals -- I think that shouldn't be taken out of the poem, but I do think you can work it into a more poetic description that bends further from prose language.
That's what largely makes me lose connection to this poem at the end -- it seems to fall into prose and explanation, and although the idea of vomiting being a sin even though you are nauseated is a really great strong image, I'd like it presented in a more elegant way, like how you've described oozing as sarcastic -- that's not literal! I like that!
If you're going for a slow descent into less poetic to kind of match the descent from paradise that is the theme of the poem, it's too obvious for me, and takes away from my enjoyment.
Finally, I think you'll have to rework the logic into the milk/honey smelling fresh but still nauseating the narrator. We don't feel the reasoning if they've just described it as fresh!
I hope these ideas are helpful to you, and I'd love to see a reworked version of the poem, because the premise is absolutely wonderful and feels original to me.
If you have any questions/comments feel free to reply here or message me.
Hannah
Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334
Donate