Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Creed
The rock I was kicking on the way home from my failed attempt at obtaining the apple skittered under a horse cart. Too lazy to fetch it out, I continued walking to Temple. Soon, it rose up in the distance, shining its Light of Good on the world. I approached one side of the entrance—the marble staircase was split in two by a wall in which three alcoves were dug, wrought-iron bars covering their faces. Currently, there was nothing in the alcove cells, but in the past, I’d heard that dissenters of the Order were kept in them. I’d heard that some had even been drowned.
I passed under the archway, glancing up at the shining golden letters: “B AR O ON R S.” I could only guess at what they meant. Few people knew this, but the Order of Light had not originally built the Temple of Good. It had already been here, and the Order had moved in, believing it to be a sign of the pleasure of The Good.
The coolness of the stones surrounded me, and I breathe out a sigh of relief. I removed my shoes just inside the door, hooking them onto my fingers.
“Enjoying yourself?” asked a gruff voice. My blood ran cold.
“N-No, sir,” I make out, not daring to turn towards the voice.
“Good.”
Shuffling footsteps approached me, and then a large figure hooded in a gray robe appeared before me. It was master Derrin, head over relic retrieval. I can taste imminent punishment. Derrin always punished me if I made the slightest mistake, and I knew today I had made a major one.
“Where’s the apple, boy?” His voice was low and menacing.
I gulped, but stayed silent.
“Creed!” he boomed. “What do the Texts say about Silence of Omission?”
“That it is the same as lying,” I muttered loathsomely.
His lip curled into a sneer. “And what do they say about lying?”
“That it disrupts the Flow of Good.” By this time, Derrin doesn’t even need to beat me, although I knew he would. I had already berated and beaten myself internally a thousand times. Screwing my eyes up to look at the ceiling, I awaited his next pointed question.
“And what happens if you disrupt the Flow of Good in the Temple of Good?” The man was practically dancing with excitement.
I sighed. “You are punished.”
“That’s right!” he shouted, clapping his hands boyishly. “Now why don’t you tell me where the apple is?” he asked, suddenly serious.
“Someone ate it,” I spat. “Before I could get to it.”
Darrin’s face paled, but he forced a laugh. “That’s too bad for him then. You did make sure to apprehend this criminal, didn’t you? Where is he?” Darrin made a great show of looking behind me, as if the apple thief was somehow hiding there.
“I did, but she pulled a knife on me, and I figured she was already doomed to die. Arihed will take care of that.” Internally, I was pleading for him to just get on with it.
Darrin shook his head. “You were scared off by a woman?” he asked incredulously. “I thought we had beaten some grit into you, boy. You still should have brought her in, but no, you were too worried about your pretty, little neck!” With the last word, he grabbed my neck and pushed me against the wall, my feet dangling a few inches above the ground.
He was strong—I didn’t have a small frame. Redness started in on my vision right away. I clutched at his hand, trying to free my airway. I gurgled.
“Did you at least make sure she ate all of it?”
I gurgled more.
“Tell me!” he roared. He slammed my head against the wall.
I shook my head as best I could. The redness was turning to blackness.
He yanked his hand away, and I crumpled to the floor, hard. I gasped for breath as he turned away. I could feel his anger radiating off of him.
“That’s two lives wasted, you selfish piece of gutter trash.” He was whispering now, his quiet fury even more alarming than his outbursts. “You know how The Good hates to waste lives.”
I found I could not respond, so I just quivered on the floor. Derrin sounded like he really cared about not wasting lives, but it didn’t mean that he didn’t hurt me until an inch of mine. He couldn’t care less about an ignorant orphan like me. And I understood. I couldn’t care about my own life either. I wasn’t worth the clothes on my back. And Derrin reminded me of that again and again in the hours that followed.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,827 Reviews
Hi again! This went by really quickly - a fast, fun read with a snappy pace. I bet it's because of all the conflict here. The scene has a solid beginning, middle, and end. I love how much this shows about Creed's circumstances and my heart goes out to him. And the last three sentences are just perfect!
One thing I noticed is that sometimes there's telling that isn't necessary (the old "show don't tell" thing). For example, here: "Derrin always punished me if I made the slightest mistake, and I knew today I had made a major one." To me, this was already obvious from the context, so explaining it kind of stole the subtlety. Personally I feel subtlety in writing gives us a lot of power, and makes everything feel more real. And also lets the reader feel smart about themselves haha. Like, if you just showed Creed's apprehension, maybe a flinch when Derrin waves a hand absently, we can infer their relationship from that (and the tone of the conversation between them), without you ever having to explain it directly. A made-up example for an example's sake would be the difference between saying "She was skilled with a bow" and having her shoot the neck clasp off someone's cloak without even scratching them. That way still tells us the same thing, but also has action and excitement to it.
I will admit I found Derrin a little too cliche for my taste. Don't get me wrong, I love the scene and the whole idea of it, but I want a little more depth from Derrin. The power dynamic and mistreatment of Creed provides great conflict, so definitely don't change it, but maybe you can find ways to flesh Derrin out more like a real person--like someone you might meet on the street or something. Right now I feel like he's a role, not a character. He's here to be an antagonistic force for Creed. But what are *his* motivations, desires, goals, fears? I don't necessarily mean you should spell them out in the narrative, but maybe some hints of the larger picture would be nice. WHY is he such a huge dickface to Creed? I'd love to be able to understand him, to sympathise with him even if I don't agree with him, to see where he's coming from at least. An example might be the villains in Song of Ice and Fire. Even though they're horrible awful people, we can understand why they do the things they do, and maybe even feel a bit sorry for them because of how the factors in their lives made them who they are.
As is, Derrin seemed a little over the top, and personally I would tone it back somewhat. He can still be terrifying and dangerous without seeming unhinged. The dancing with excitement and cruel mockery is what really did it for me, I think. It didn't seem provoked enough. And I guess for a first impression, it was just too much for me, and I didn't end up taking him very seriously. However, I think if he were presented as more of a complex, multi-faceted person, as opposed to The Baddie, that would go a long way toward winning me over.
That's all I can think of for now. Thanks for sharing, and happy writing!
Hola! Thanks for letting me know this was upp~
You know how I roll, so I'll spare you the intro.
~ There was once a sentence that whizzed by,
ricocheting, travel-setting into the sky.
But if it were less longer,
it would be stronger;
surely, the authoress knows how to get by.
Fix that run-away, fort.
~ So I've noticed Pretz has asked 'But why did Creed want to fetch the rock out anyway?' and although I've read your reply, I think perhaps other readers could find this confusing, so you might want to add just a line or two to clarify this somewhat (although you don't have to, really). Besides that, of course, this was a great opportunity for some character-exploration (because I'm all for subtlety in character-exploration) and I would have /loved/ it if you had talked about how Creed had nothing to distract himself with when the rock rolled under the cart, and perhaps expanded on a fidgeting of sorts--or maybe taken us into his thoughts? Because there's not much action here, besides walking, and you're focusing more on the narration, some internal monologue would be nice. It helps us to get to know the character better, which is something we want to do, of course.
~ Quick fix: change 'breathe' to past-tense.
~ 'Nother tense-fix: 'can' should be 'could'.
~ Replace hyphen with a dash to show hesitation/stutteration (totes a word now).
~ 'make' should be 'made'.
~ My blood ran cold is cliché. Try twisting this into something else/replacing it with some other handier description.
There are a few more tense-slips, but if you read through this once, I'm sure you'll spot them all.
~ Clunky description. I couldn't exactly picture this--how does one screw their eyes up?--so you might want to make this a bit clearer.
I was intrigued by the mention of Temple, and I'm really craving some more info on this. That is to say, I wouldn't be averse to any world-building at this point, because there are a lot of things you've left hanging and I'd like to get a better feel of this world you've created, as a whole. At this point, I've got quite a lot of questions, namely:
1] What /is/ the Order? I wouldn't have minded a bit of info here, either; I feel as though you're skimming over a lot of things because it could make the writing seem monotonous, but that's the trick, really--making monotony interesting. If you're ever hesitant to giving a couple of hints, foreshadowing, or explaining, use Rothfuss as an example. Look at how subtly he builds the world, not only expanding upon its setting, but also explaining its many facets--and he keeps your attention, right? So to really get a handle on fluidity, trust your reader more. Tell them things. Not everything, obviously, but what you judge fit to tell them--the kind of stuff they can get by with. Writing is about developing understandings, amirite? XD
2] What is 'The Good'? Maybe you're planning on imparting information to us later on, but I feel like some hints are severely needed at this point if you want to retain readership + attention. Information in snippets is always better than information in chunks, and you want to avoid reaching that point where you're forced to info-dump because you haven't explained enough before.
*wonders what Creed's guess was as to what the shiny-wordy thingies meant*
Ooh, I like Derrin. I mean--not as a person, obvs, but the characterisation is actually lovely for such a quick scene. Although there was a slight shift in character when you talked about him clapping his hands boyishly and everything, because he grew angry too quickly for someone who didn't seem bothered. He actually reminded me of Elodin, when you talked of him 'dancing with excitement' and stuff, which is odd because the rest of his character is drastically different. So--consistency, yes. Keep an eye out for it.
I'm glad things have started to make sense from where we left the first chapter, and I'm really enjoying this so far. Not much to pick at here, except that I wish your chapters were more chewy and--you're really torturing us with this lack of info. XD I'm growing fond of Creed, though, and I really want to know what happens as we progress. I'm also hoping for a greater insight of this world; it doesn't matter if what you're going for is juvenile fantasy or high fantasy--you need to keep us at par with the world.
Overall, I likes this very muchly and keep me updated~
Hope this helped.
~Pomp c:
Heya Widdershins, here I am to review the next chapter of your novel. You haven't really updated this in quite a while, but I am glad to see that you have finally posted another chapter of it. I'm going to try to help get it out of the green room, so let's see what we have here.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
I like that we got the perspective of Creed here, and what happens as a consequence that he didn't catch Joyce in the act and bring her to the temple. You really did leave an air of mystery during this chapter, and I feel like more questions just arose.
~Why would Creed want to fetch a rock? I mean, unless this is his pet rock, then I'm pretty sure that we is too lazy to pick it up. I just don't understand your implication behind that sentence.
~Why is Temple capitalized? Isn't there many temples in the city? I don't see how temple can be a proper noun, since it's just a place/building.
~Remember to put (the) between "to" and "Temple." It will help the flow.
It seems like this Temple is an important part of Creed's life, since it seems like he is coming back to it. My only question/concern is: If Derrin treats him so badly, then why does he come back at all? I don't think that anyone willingly comes back to his abuser, unless this is done by force.
~I felt like Creed put his guard down, by already breathing a sigh of relief. I mean, is he really that naive? I feel like he should always be on alert, and expecting anything to happen.
~When I read this sentence,my first thought was that Creed was going to get kidnapped. In many books and movies, there's the hooded figure putting you in a bag and kidnapping the character. Well, I got to compliment you by telling you that this isn't cliche. I just don't understand why a priest(or father of rituals) would be wearing gray(most of them wear black) and a hood?
~This is a sudden change of mood from one sentence to the other, and I feel like you need a smoother transition. The words that I italicized are the ones that really contrasted in mood and what Derrin was feeling/doing.
~So those words outside the quotation marks, really impact the mood. I feel like we really need to be serious in both time, because Derrin isn't supposed to act like a happy-go-lucky boy here, since he is talking serious apple stuff. So if you make both sentences more of the serious tone, they will match.
~If he admitted this, then why was he afriad of Joyce with a knife? If he doesn't care about his life, then the natural implication is that he doesn't care if he lives or dies. So why is he so protective of this apple, what keeps him going and doing these types of things?
Generally, your grammar is almost spotless here. If you could notice, I did nitpicks with more of the content of this story. I really liked this action-filled chapter, although I do feel like it was kind of a transition type of chapter. Nothing really to further the plot is happening, except that we are getting a V.I.P outlook into Creed's life and what he goes through everyday.
I got to say, Widder, that I'm not feeling the poverty yet. I know that both of these MC(Joyce and Creed) are poor, of were fairly poor, but sorry to say, that it's not very apparent in these first three chapters. This is the beginning of the novel, what is supposed to establish the setting and wealth level. I don't think that you have really dived deep down, to show us what poor really means in this town. I want to feel along with the characters, and how they suffer because the lack of money that they get. I appreciate that you described the setting a bit, so I applaud you for telling us about the design of the Temple. It kind of intrigued me, and I had a slight outline of it in my imagination.
Please tag me or PM me when the next chapter comes out, because I would have missed this one, if I hadn't seen it. I would really appreciate that. Anyways, that's all that I have for this chapter.
~Peace Out~
/Pretzel/
First and most importantly, It was not Joyce in the first chapter. Creed hasn't met Joyce yet. It was just some woman. Remember, the woman threw away the apple core, and then Joyce picked up the apple core.
haven't you ever been kicking a rock down the street? It's like playing soccer: you don't want to lose the ball. Sure there are a hundred other rocks, but that one you've been kicking for the past ten minutes! XD
The chapters with Creed in them have a tendency to capitalize things like this. Also, why do you capitalize the White House? Same reason you capitalize important Temples.
you'll learn more about Creed and his naivete later, but tbh, this sigh of relief was like the sigh of relief that you get when you walk into an air conditioned room out of the heat of summer. It wasn't that he was feeling safe.
It's just to not be cliche. And Here I was going for more of the Tibetan Monk Vibe-ish (although the culture isn't the same at all. Don't think it is. I know 0 about Tibetan Monks). They usually wear orange, no?
And no, I put the contrasting moods there for a reason. It's showing that Derrin can be threatening in all sorts of moods. It also shows he has sarcasm to the max.
Creed thinks he's worthless, that his life is worthless. But that doesn't mean he wants to die. He lives to serve the Greater Good, and so long as he thinks he can do that, he's not just going to throw his life away. This will probably become apparent in other chapters. Just because someone has a really, really low self esteem doesn't mean that they're just gonna let someone kill them.
Where did I ever say that Creed was poor? And I spent like the entire last chapter talking about how joyce used to be poor, but now has a job. I think I established hers pretty well, thank you very much. We still don't know many things about Creed. I wouldn't call him poor, and I wouldn't call him rich. Is a millionaire child poor if he doesn't get an allowance and actual money in his pocket? All his needs are still provided for him, no? He's rich then, right? But he can't afford a gumball out of the machine because he has no cash. How do you describe that kind of wealth? You have to show it. And showing things well takes time and space. It can't be accomplished in a few chapters unless you do an info dump. And those aren't good.
Thanks for the review.