Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The day was hot and sweat ran down the side of his temple, large dark circles formed underneath his arms. The collared indigo shirt was lint-ridden and his pants were riddled with creases. He knocked again on the splintery white door but with more vigor. “Ray! C’mon open up.” The gun was buried in his trousers and the angle molested his tailbone.
From behind the door a dog barked diffidently, it barely sounded through the weak wood. The handle turned and the door moaned as it opened inward, his eyes met two tiny faces staring from the sliver of an opening. Between the two Poker was infinitely happier to see him his tail wagged like a flag in a sturdy wind. Ray never looked so wanly before as he fought through his solemn complexion to form a sincere smile but he remained glossy eyed with tears buried just beneath them. “Dimitri, come in.”
The house was unkempt all sorts of things found their ways to strange new homes. For instance a sock was left neglected on the kitchen counter and by the living room a Sal’s pizza box was rested against the plain white wall. Even the leather couch sagged as he found his seat, he stirred uneasily and the leather followed his movements. “Momma told me to tell you that she loves you and hopes you’re doing well.”
“Oh,” he said with a raised brow and nodded his head slowly. “Yea, I can’t find money to pay for my phone, I’ve been meaning to see her but I keep pushing the date.”
“I’ll just tell her you’re fine.”
“I’m not fine.”
“Ray,” he bit his lip and pulled his hair back into place. “Don’t be a burden right now, especially not to her.”
“Dimitri why did you come?”
“Papa gave you the will before he died.”
Ray didn’t speak he barred his tongue behind his thin-lipped frown. “They want the money don’t they?”
“It’s all they want, nothing else has to happen.”
“They’re going to send someone to kill me I know.”
“What? No… No. They wouldn’t dare kill one of us.”
“He’ll be coming soon I can feel it.”
“No one wants to kill you Ray, they just want what Papa owed.”
“20,000 dollars and a life it’s been floating in my mind in these past couple days. Only half is in that envelope the other half they’ll send for.” Dimitri sat in silence, and Ray wiped away accumulating tears, “Ah, I’m not built for this Dimitri; there gonna kill me.” Ray grimaced his hands massaged the untrimmed stubs on his cheek. “Right before he died he gave me the money, it’s been sitting on the counter ever since.” Dimitri pulled his gaze from Ray and eyed the envelope plainly sitting on the marble, spare crumbs of food had gathered around it. He shoved free from the sultry leather couch and gingerly walked over to the counter. He yanked the money and sifted through the crisp bills its smell overtaking the air. “I’m skipping town in a couple of days, thinking about maybe Chicago. They got deep-dish…” Dimitri heard Ray’s voice rise and fade away into another room as he went on about Chicago. Dimitri reached behind his jeans and pulled the pistol free, it slid easily into his grip. “Pa always told me I should go th-” Two subdued bursts shrilled and Ray choked on the words. His eyes were fixed on the gun the long silencer pointing through the air. There had not been time enough for him to look at his little brother scornfully. Ray crashed to the ground his head struck the wooden floorboards swiftly, leaving a fresh crack in the amber wood. Red oozed from the wounds and followed the crevices between the floorboards. His mouth opened wide, and he looked like a fish out of water. The white in his eyes toiled to express the utter surprise and growing fears boiling inside his soul. Words seem to touch his tongue but nothing emerged from his mouth but gurgling and little drops of blood. Dimitri waited for his brother to quiet and he walked across the wood of the floor. He did not die still, “I’m sorry big brother.” He kissed the tips of his fingers and planted the dry kiss on Ray’s forehead. He took the silencer and gently placed the muzzle end on Ray’s temple, Dimitri turned his head away and another subdued burst filled the room. The tiny tack of the bullet hitting the floor followed swiftly.
He stood slowly and kept his sight away from the splatter of his brothers blood on the brown wall. Dimitri whistled once and from the far corner nestled cozily in a jacket Poker stood from his comfortable rest. Dimitri rushed for him and carried him in his arms to hurry out the door. Poker wagged his tail incessantly and the door closed with a peaceful thud.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Reading through this was a little like reading something typed by an undeniably good writer on a phone--the descriptions, the characters and the scene feel magnificent, but it's somehow hindered by small mistakes, typos and autocorrections on an IPhone keyboard. I suggest reading through it and changing some minor mistakes (ie "Ah, I’m not built for this Dimitri; there gonna kill me" They're. And some other lines feel like they could use a comma or a period in between, like "“Dimitri why did you come?”" Dimitri, why did you come?)
I also suggest developing these characters a little more. They prove potentially interesting, and I'd like to hear Dimitri's rationalization for what he's done. Why would he kill his brother? What was his father like? Who's the 'they' Ray keeps talking about--fellow gamblers? If so, why would Dimitri kill his own brother to pay the fellow gamblers? Because his children were at stake? I wish I could feel for these characters, because they're just begging for a backstory, but since we don't know they're motivations everything that happens just doesn't make too much sense.
However, I did like the idea of this story. I feel there's a lot of drama from betrayal, especially when it comes from your own brother. So overall, I liked this a lot. It's clear you have a talent for words, and all the flaws don't exactly stop me from enjoying the work.
Et tu, Dimitri? -EM.
I enjoyed that criticism because it reminds me that while I might have potential I can always be better. It's fairly old, this story, like 1 year old. I'll think about small mistakes and how they affect the overall story. Thank you for the review! Happy holidays.
Yo, Ronald. c:
Nonetheless, I think you delivered this story pretty effectively, though I feel you could've delved deeper in your character development in order to deliver a better heartbreaking end. The loss of a parent is something earth shattering, I'm sure, and I would've liked to sympathize with your characters, but there wasn't enough given to me in order for me to do that, you know?
So the description set for this story is what got me interested, and boy, this wasn't what I expected at all. I was almost expecting a feel-good story of brotherly love, even though I knew I should've set myself up for the disaster.
Now, aside from that, I did see a few grammatical errors that I feel should be called to your attention. Most of them are run-on sentences. Here's an example:
There's supposed to be a punctuation mark somewhere between 'him' and 'his'. This could be either a period or semi-colon. If you add either of these, the sentence would become more concise, for example, "Between the two, Poker was infinitely happier to see him. His tail wagged like a flag in in a sturdy wind." See how better and clearer that sounds after adding punctuation?
Here's another example:
This sentence is way longer than it actually needs to be, which lowers the readability of your piece. Adding punctuation can easily fix this: "Ray never looked so wanly before. He fought through his solemn complexion to form a sincere smile, but his eyes remained glossy with tears buried just beneath them."
There are other sentences that have the same issue, but I think the best way for you to catch them is to read it out loud without adding any pauses where it isn't written. If you find yourself stumbling over some sentences or running out of breath, then most likely that sentence needs work.
Lastly, that colossal paragraph you had in the middle. I think you should seriously consider breaking that up into smaller sections for better readability since I struggled to keep track of what was going on. Maybe separate the climax (Dimitri pulling out the gun and shooting him) from the dialogue of Ray talking. They're both two separate things, anyway, and shouldn't be together.
I hope I made some sense here. If you've got any questions, comments, or concerns, don't be afraid to hit me up. Have a good day/night!
Hey,
I loved this, it had my heart pounding with anticipation, even though it was only a short piece. You set the scene beautifully; the gritty, desolated atmosphere surrounding poverty stricken Ray. Just noticed; opening of the third paragraph, check the grammar. I had to read back over the dialogue to understand the context, could be changed to be easier to read, but the conclusion had my mouth hanging open with shock. That betrayal held tremendous impact on the audience. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this.
Thanks for reading. It's weird I didn't get a notification for this.