Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
The street was alive and vibrant, the inhabitants drifted from shop to shop. At the corner of the main street, the road veered off into tiny roads and little streets. The building at the corner was built of dark brown bricks and the years had eaten at the fine edges. A metal sign hung from the building with the words Le Carrefour Café inscribed with beautiful white curls. There at the corner of where the streets met they waited for company. Jean felt the heat of the sun embrace his skin, and the light was near blinding. The edge of the seat was digging under his thighs but he remained still and his eyes wandered around the crowded street.
“She’s running late.” Sebastien muttered through a wide grin.
“More coffee monsieur?” The waitress had bright red hair, that was neatly plaited, and when she served Sebastien she leaned over him. Her blouse was revealing and she smelled of lilies.
“Thank you,” her name was etched eloquently with pencil on a white tag. “Rosie.” She smiled again at Sebastien before she made her way to another table.
Jean had an arm extended with his empty coffee mug gripped in his hands. “Oh darling, she loves you.” Jean watched her leave and admired her securely fastened skirt wrapped around her legs.
“Shut up.” He said, and eyed the coffee. “She’s neglected your cup again, take mine I’m not thirsty.”
“I would not dare.”
“Why not.”
“That would disappoint her entirely,” Jean said.
“I never knew you to be such a romantic.”
“But darling that is a side of me you should never know. Anyway it is my responsibility to find you someone when you will not put a foot forward.”
Sebastien sat in silence; he risked a deep frown and refused any sort of childish amusement.
Jean sighed from the disheartening stare and took the cup by the white handle. He took a short sip and the hot steam raised to gently fog his glass lenses. “Life is so full of disappointment, isn’t it?”
“No not disappointments but unexpected directions.”
“Hmnn,” Jean placed the mug on it’s glass plate and snapped. “I agree, why should the story end here?”
“Why should the last words on a page mean anything but unfinished thought?”
“Entirely true, after all she hasn’t died, and neither have you so it has not ended.”
“As long as there’s room for more.”
“Darling I dislike this thoughtful side of you, it provokes too much thought.”
“As is well, that is a side of me you should never know.”
“Very good then.”
“Jean.”
“Yes?”
“I need your attention.”
“It’s done you have all of my attention.”
“This girl, what of her family?”
“Her father died in the blitzkrieg, then her brother was lifted off the streets in the ghettos and sent to the camps, Chelmno. Little is known of her three sisters but for certain they are in Dachau with their grandmother. Her mother was shot in the street, apparently she refused to give up her wedding band, poor soul.”
“Where will she come from?”
Jean peered far into the northwest side of the street where a swarm of people had gathered to see the popular shops. “There.” Sebastien peered past his shoulder and saw the crowded passageway.
“Magnificent, we couldn’t have picked a busier time or place,” Sebastien lit a cigarette and put it to his lips. “What’s her name?”
“Her name is Marie but she is too young for you. And there’s always Rosie to consider,” Jean smiled, and looked at Rosie passed by. “Great big tits.”
Sebastien pursed his lips with bitter discontent.
“You can certainly look angry darling but your face is too young and pretty to cause alarm.”
Sebastien stiffened and his attention washed away. “Be serious. We have company.”
“Who?”
“There are two Gestapo gentlemen sitting at the table to your back.”
Jean held his breath, “no problem.”
“Rosie! Wie geht es ihnen?” The commandant was a tall man as he took his seat he removed the cap on his head.
“Gut, wie ist deine schwester?”
“Sie ist besser, danke.” He smiled warmly and caressed the back of her hand.
“Ah well so much for your love interest Sebastien. I felt as if you were just starting to warm up to her.”
“Quiet, they might speak French.” Jean gave a curt nod and surveyed the crowd, “I think I see her.”
Sebastien gazed at the corner street until he saw a girl make her way through the crowd. Strutting down the curb in a comfortably tight brown dress. “She does not lack in false confidence.”
“She can play the part of Hitlers aryan race.”
Jean watched the girl as she neared, he could see her more clearly. Her hair was not a pure blonde but a dirty mix between brown and yellow. Her eyes were a beautiful shade of cheerful blue but they were drowned in sadness and fear. She stood at the end of the curb almost 40 feet from where they sat at the coffee table. She did not look directly at them but she was headed in their direction all the same. Each step resonated the hope of escape, and then she eyed the Gestapo men sitting behind them. She froze mid-street and lost her sense of composure. The tiny cars and taxis surrounded her and beeped loud enough for the world to shatter like glass. The quieter Gestapo stood tall and looked on at the commotion. He walked over to her, “Von der straße!” She shook slightly and did not look him in the eyes, while all the cars beeped again and again.
“Wo sind ihre papiere?” She kept her lips closed. “Wo sind ihre papiere?” She flinched as he spoke and brought her hands to cover her face. He lifted his hand and struck her face.
Sebastien stood and yelled, “that is my sister sir, I apologize.” The Gestapo did not care to look at the Sebastien as he came toward him. The Gestapo officer grew angry and his brows hardened like the rest of his face. “Sir she is my sister.”
He did not turn his face to look at him still as he spoke again, he used the back of his hand to strike his jaw, and he fell backward. “Sie ist ein Jude.” He carried her off the street as she sobbed and the blue in her eyes darkened like the angry sea. Sebastien knelt up, holding the right side of his face. He looked at her as he pulled her to the motor vehicle of the Third Reich, her eyes were running with tears as he took her away.
“Sebastien.” Jean lifted him to his feet and the man in the automobile near them came out.
“What was the problem?”
Jean watched the girl being dragged away, the other Gestapo officer followed behind his accomplice whistling an uplifting tune.
“Jews.”
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
This was good, but there are a few problems, mainly grammatical, which could be fixed. I am going to be abrupt because everyone on this website seems to be so irritatingly up-beat and positive, so to avoid seeming rude I will say now that I did like it, so please don't take any of this the wrong way.
Firstly the grammar. You seem to repeat some words. This is jarring to the reader, breaks the flow, and makes the piece sound amateurish. Rhyming words can have the same effect. Don't bother about them in the first draft, just get everything down, but try to weed them out in the proof reading. some examples to correct here are:
-the repetition of street in the first paragraph (try lane)
-the repetition of thought/thoughtful about 1/3 in (try reflective).
You also write- 'She’s neglected your cup again'. Neglected in this context does not seem right. Ignored would be better. If you chose neglected deliberately because you thought it would suit the character, then it didn't work.
The last grammar point. you write- ' “It’s done you have all of my attention” ', which does not read right. A colon or even a full stop after 'done' would give the reader the correct intonation.
Now onto some general points. It was, as has been said, quite confusing, and it was difficult to work out who Jean and Sebastien were, but this could easily be fixed with a few pieces of description and an insight into the characters thoughts here and there (unless the confusion was deliberate, in which case I recommend you keep it to the parts you want the reader to have to think about more).
To finish off, your style changes during the course of the story. At some points it is quite reticent and thoughtful, whilst at others it is much more like a James Bond novel. Did you write this over several different occasions? If you did, in future read over the last part (or all of it if it is short) so that it can all follow on continuously.
Please excuse any rudeness, it was not intentional. I have picked out only the bad bits. The rest of it is very good, and I look forward to more.
Yours,
A Stranger.
I enjoy your honesty. I actually didn't find it harsh, plus I think you ought to learn something from a review. I always try to cheer the person up afterward, because I know it isn't the best to hear you need work. But actually I'd rather hear that.
This was good, but there are a few problems, mainly grammatical, which could be fixed. I am going to be abrupt because everyone on this website seems to be so irritatingly up-beat and positive, so to avoid seeming rude I will say now that I did like it, so please don't take any of this the wrong way.
Firstly the grammar. You seem to repeat some words. This is jarring to the reader, breaks the flow, and makes the piece sound amateurish. Rhyming words can have the same effect. Don't bother about them in the first draft, just get everything down, but try to weed them out in the proof reading. some examples to correct here are:
-the repetition of street in the first paragraph (try lane)
-the repetition of thought/thoughtful about 1/3 in (try reflective).
You also write- 'She’s neglected your cup again'. Neglected in this context does not seem right. Ignored would be better. If you chose neglected deliberately because you thought it would suit the character, then it didn't work.
The last grammar point. you write- ' “It’s done you have all of my attention” ', which does not read right. A colon or even a full stop after 'done' would give the reader the correct intonation.
Now onto some general points. It was, as has been said, quite confusing, and it was difficult to work out who Jean and Sebastien were, but this could easily be fixed with a few pieces of description and an insight into the characters thoughts here and there (unless the confusion was deliberate, in which case I recommend you keep it to the parts you want the reader to have to think about more).
To finish off, your style changes during the course of the story. At some points it is quite reticent and thoughtful, whilst at others it is much more like a James Bond novel. Did you write this over several different occasions? If you did, in future read over the last part (or all of it if it is short) so that it can all follow on continuously.
Please excuse any rudeness, it was not intentional. I have picked out only the bad bits. The rest of it is very good, and I look forward to more.
Yours,
A Stranger.
I was going to read your Western story but happened upon this one instead. Seems you're a history enthusiast.
This story is interesting, but I am sort of lost as to what is going on. I feel as though that was intentional on your part though. This can be good: the confusion and abruptness of it all seems to fit the mood of the story that you want to convey, but I have a few suggestions:
First, try focusing on the dialogue. There seems to be a lot of chit-chat going on here, and not much characterization. We know WHAT these guys are saying but we don't really know who they are. Since this story is so short, you should focus on personifying Sebastien instead of delivering the plot through what they say. It is important that we care, from sentence number one, about who this guy is and why he's risking his neck to save a Jew. I'd also recommend perhaps cutting down on the German by just a bit. Using a language besides English for an English story can be tricky: it should serve some specific purpose, and we should get that it is there for a reason even if we don't know what's going on. When the officer questions Marie for her papers: there I feel as though it was used successfully. And the end line where he says "she is a Jew" is particularly meaning-filled. But the rest I feel like... you could have done without. The interaction between the officers and the waitress, I mean. There is much more that you could have done with description there instead of having Jean state what was going on overtly.
Use dialogue for characterization, use description to show us what is going on.
Second, I am kind of missing the "point" of this story here. WWII is HUGE, historically speaking, and I was expecting some sort of allusion or symbolism at the end. But I didn't really feel anything... there is so much potential here, yet I feel as though it is missing "something," it is shallow. It's like I'm about to drink a dark, deep French espresso but instead get watery Folgers. Pardon the analogy, but I think you should push for something deeper here. Search for a clear theme. Then I think this would be truly great.
Au revior.
~ED
Did it make you laugh?
Thanks for the review! Very helpful!
Oh yeah if you can please look at the western story. Also I think it's your birthday. Happy Birthday!