Young Writers Society

A-ha-ha! You taught me a word. What mendacity must this virtuous clause betray me?! Alas - the Princeton Web Dictionary assures me - abstrusity is indeed a word. And, in this case, it's quite poetic diction. I approve.

Take with salt; mind the edges.

And do not take all of this seriously; I aim in part to entertain.

Allow me a moment to collect myself.

You are human; the poem is not so excellent to steal away my sanctuary. But it has potential. And these words - have you been studying for the SATs?

There is home, there is hell.

The books within this shrouded domain,

Erudite me with a salutary word,

With amiable air I speak its tongue.

Oooh, shucks. There are a couple things here that just aren't quite right.

One small concern: What does the first line contribute to the stanza? the poem? I practically skipped it. It's the rest that matters.

But, far more importantly, look what happens when I condense together the next three lines:

The books within this shrouded domain, erudite me with a salutary word, with amiable air I speak its tongue.

Now that's just no good. First of all, the antecedent to "erudite" is "books," but "erudite" is an adjective and not a verb - so the sentence is simply wrong - but, even worse, this is a tremendous run-on. Those commas make for poor partitions to this poem's poignant posits.

The first comma is extraneous (i.e.: it's wrong); the second one should be a semicolon (see wot I did tharr?).

But there's more. "Salutary" is an awkward choice of word here - it is "as a salute," this word? Sanctuary, in all of its eponymous-ly hinted glory? It can work; but not in the context of this sentence. Not as written. See, while the word "salutations" has the connotation that you're looking for — a formal or arcane "hello" — "salutary" does not share the strain. Either you must clarify its usage somehow (preferably by contextualizing it rather than explicitly defining it), or you may just want to replace it.

Of course, you could probably should* just ignore that suggestion. We all have our reasons, after all.

* Corrigendum #1 (I suspect there may be more): Hah! I looked up "salutary." It's** closest synonym, by my mental lexicon, is "salubrious." So you've done it again, you fiend.

** Corrigendum #2 : Oh my goodness, did I really just use "it's" where I mean "its?" I apologize. Just terrible. Ugh.

Alright: final note on the lines above.

Not only should your second comma be a semicolon, but the line "with amiable air I speak its tongue" could really be improved - you won't believe it when I tell you, after all that I've condemned the comma for - by a comma. "with amiable air, I speak its tongue." Furthermore, the poem flows better (and what "tongue" it is you "speak" is far clearer) if you end that line with a colon.

Okay, I'll only do this once (because I hate when people do this, even though I have been a perpetrator of this style before):

All together now!

The books within this shrouded domain,

Erudite me with a salutary word,

With amiable air I speak its tongue.

... becomes the grammatically correct:

The books within this shrouded domain

erudite me with a salutary word;

with amiable air I speak its tongue:

... which, with the incorrect word replaced with an alternative I think is approximately what you meant, becomes:

The books within this shrouded domain

elucidate me with a salutary word;

with amiable air I speak its tongue:

... and, finally (only because I really can't resist), here's what would become if I just had my way with it:

The books in this domain

press a balm to my mind; a salutary word;

for, on amiable air, I breathe:

Sanctuary.

Ah, if only I had taken your inspiration, and written for myself this poem - it's as if I wanted to, and yet did not... But you? You did. And so it speaks to me.

So thank you.

But I'm still not done yet. (I'll refrain from "having my way" with any more lines, though; it's a selfish thing to do.)

Meaning shelter, safety.

It is an utter Abstrusity.

Nope nope nope. See, you are suffering here. Suffering —SHHHHH—no, don't rebut; just accept it. Suffering... from sentence fragments (the horror! the humanity!).

Thankfully, there is a panacea: yes, you've heard of it before... grammar.

I trust you with the rest. (Quick suggestion: you can also use punctuation to remove the word "meaning," and the phrase "It is an," which are just unnecessarily explicit. If you're listing synonyms, you can do without, and to greater effect.)

If you don't mind a light read concerning active voice, and you'd be willing to humor my silly attempt at describing it, have a look at this blog post.

Also, there's positively none for reasons why "abstrusity" is capitalized.

No word so venerable would be accepted in my deplored life.

This line, while technically correct, is not unimpeachable. I think you can improve it.

Absolutely arduousness is this philosophic word.

The reviewer before me - @Paracosm - is correct - "arduousness" should be corrected to "arduous." Also, I like to end my lines with my favorite words; words I personally find powerful and meaningful. You could rearrange things to make this line end on a more poignant note.

Yet I find much desire to have a Sanctuary.

Mmm. So explicit. Favor subtlety, here. Consider alluding to your title without stating it, perhaps?

To feel sheltered, to feel safety.

The second "to feel" is technically not necessary. I know, I know: all the textbook examples of semicolons*** seem to repeat something, or start the second clause with "because, and, or, but, whereas, withal however," etc., but I swear to you it is not necessary to follow the textbook to a "T." At least, not where the poetic use of semicolon is concerned. ^_^

*** Corrigendum #3 : Oh yes; and you should replace that comma with a semicolon. Kind of a matter of opinion here, and not a grammatical necessity - especially not if you remove the second "to feel." But nonetheless, while I'm throwing in my two cents, I may as well mention that I accidentally read that line with a semicolon instead of a comma.

There is an archaic home that can be seen evanescently disappearing,

Mmmmh. "Evanescently" is technically not a word; but, more importantly, "evanescently disappearing" is repetitive.

Let's have a quick example on evanescent:

"I gaze on a man bolting out of sight..."

... is, fundamentally, about the same as:

"I gaze on an evanescent man..."

Now, were I to actually use "evanescent" in that sentence, I may instead write "I catch an evanescent figure, bolting from my sight; a moment later, it has split my memory entirely. How little I did know..."



So, to recap, "evanescent" means "quickly fading or disappearing," so saying "evanescently disappearing" is like saying "quickly disappearing like it's quickly disappearing."

There is a new home that welcomes morning rays into my life.

Mmmh. The imagery is really good. But I think you can strengthen this final line still.

Overall, this was a beautiful poem. Enviable, even, in its inspiration (as I alluded above). But your wordplay needs a little work.

It is perhaps braggartly to suggest that, at one time, I knew exactly your dilemma - had exactly the words and exactly the struggles with diction and poetics as you. Regardless, I see a bit of me in this. Perhaps in you, if your poem is at all inspired. So, necessarily, I wish you well, and strongly want to share with you the perspective that I think I have developed since.

If any of it helps, I've at least done something to give back to the teachers and mentors that helped me on my way.

Oh, and keep it up! I really want to read more from you. Maybe you should join the Poetry Exchange Club? I'm in it; so it's a bit of a plug. But "them's good people," as they say, and you'll improve if you keep writing and sharing. At least, I like to think I did.

Be forever hortatory,

~Skorlir

Hey Romania! Nice work. I love the theme to your poem, there are just a few issues with word usage. Forgive me if you already know this, and if it was your intention to use these words the way you did.

Erudite- Erudite is an adjective that has to do with having knowledge. Erudite doesn't imply the process of educating or informing someone. I love the sound of the word, but unless it was your intention to use it as a verb, I would replace it with something else.

No word so venerable would be accepted in my deplored life.

'Would' is the past tense of 'will', so unless you are implying the narrator of the poem has changed, I would change 'would' to 'will' or replace it with 'can' or 'should'.

Absolutely arduousness is this philosophic word.

Arduousness should be arduous.

Okay! So there's my nit pick.

I really love the theme of your poem, and I like how you explore with your words. 'Evanescently' is one word I enjoyed but I think you could find a more visual way to describe the home disappearing.

An example:

"The man vanished."
"The man weaved his way into the shadows."
"There was a sudden crack, and the man was gone."
"A worm hole opened up in space and devoured the man."

The first sentence just says vanished, and the other three offer more descriptive options. I think there are some phrases you could replace with description. You know, 'Show, don't tell.'

Thanks for your poem, and I hope my review helps!