The Basement Tapes

June 9, 2021
Short Story: Action / Adventure, General
5 comments (4 reviews)

“Peter, Peter listen to me. Ferdinand Grove was your great grandfather”, crackled the tape. “He’s buried treasure on Swallow island. It’s an unmarked island 2000 leagues southeast of Adelaide bay. But whatever you do, never get involved with the Parkinsons.” And then, it went static. I gasped. The Parkinsons were my foster parents! I clutched tape to my chest and started running out when a giant something crashed on top of me. I looked up and saw it was Jackson Stilt, the butler, staring an evil grin at me. “ I see you’ve been going through the basement. We’ve been looking for this one a long time.”

“Let go of me you oversized baboon!” I shouted.

“Mind your words Mr. Flint,” he said. “They might earn you some extra time, locked up in the attic” he said with absolute glee!

I struggled and struggled but he wouldn’t let go of me and kept dragging me to the attic.

Finally we reached the attic. He threw me in and was just locking up the door when I lunged for him and pulled him in by the scruff of his collar. I slammed the door so hard that it locked itself. We were trapped!

“YOU!!!” he screeched! “Because of you, we’re both trapped and there’s no way out unless….unless…”

“You, kid, do you have a swiss army knife?”

“Well, yes. I found one on Sans Andreas harbor”

“Good. now do you have it with you?”

“Well naturally, a swiss army knife isn’t common”

“ Good. Now, open the screwdriver part”

“And then after that, put it between the crack between the door and the wall”

Then, slowly, but surely, the door creaked open.

I dashed out before Stilt could even utter a single word, grabbed some necessaries on the way, and sprinted out the front door. I hopped onto my cycle and went as fast as I could to Adelaide bay. As I hoped, I found Dr. Andy Clark, one of the only people I could trust.

“Ferdinand grove, buried treasure, 2000 leagues southeast, hire ship” I panted.

“All right, do you have a map?”

“No, but I have a tape with directions”

“Great, I already have a ship booked because I was going to go on vacation”

“I bet this would be better than an adventure”

“Yes”

“One last thing. Can stay at your house, because the Parkinsons are looking for me since I “borrowed” the tape from them”

“Sure, I’d be glad to have you over. We’ll be setting sail tomorrow”

“Right!”

The hours whizzed past, and before I knew it, it was morning. We set sail on a gargantuan gold and black cruise liner.

Nothing much happened during the day, just acres upon acres of plain blue sea. The next day, I woke to a chorus of “Hark the angels sing”. Then I remembered. It was Christmas! Everybody was quite merry, and the captain drank a few bottles of Oklahoman mead. After a few seconds, silence dropped. The captain had fainted! The ship medics had ran up to him and were carrying him away on a stretcher. After that incident, we all submitted our drinks for poison checking.

Later that day, around midnight when everyone else was asleep, I came out for a drink of water, I heard voices.

“ Ching, what did you think you were doing when you poisoned the captain! You might have been caught and we both would be overboard”

“Yang, I think we both know that the captain doesn’t have a chance. He’s physically weakened, and it’s only a matter of time before the rest are down.”

Ching and Yang were the the ships chefs! I made haste to run and tell Dr. Clark, when... “Achooo!” I sneezed. In a flash both men were at my side, and carrying me off onto a large dark mass in front of the ship. It was another ship! On it I saw the Parkinsons! The men dropped me and I found myself in front of a sword cabinet. I grabbed a sword and flung myself off deck. I managed to get my sword wedged onto the top of the deck and climbed on. I rushed to Dr. Clark’s cabin and told him about the night’s adventures. After he heard the story we went to wake up the captain. The next day, there was a little brown dot on the horizon, and by midday, we saw it was the treasure island!

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Sun Jul 04, 2021 6:56 pm

MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi Rohit123,

Mailice here with a short review!

This was an interesting story that basically had a good approach, but would need to be polished at some points.

In general, your story still seems a bit raw and needs to be developed. You jump from one moment to another, but that doesn't give the reader enough time to enjoy the previous moment in its entirety. I like your idea behind the story, and you've already put in some good elements as well as characters, but it really needs to be developed.

When was the boy adopted by the Parkinsons? Who is Andy? How do they know each other? Where is the story set? You could certainly write three, four or even five chapters by expanding the story, where you focus more on building the world and letting the reader arrive first. At the moment it feels like you've just come off the train after a long journey and you're pulled out by relatives and they show you the whole area within a few hours. It's very hectic.

The beginning is very fast and it gets down to business quickly. It feels like it's trying to write a summary but still retain some exciting moments. I don't think it's bad, I just find it a bit unusual and unusual, but I think it helps the narrative.

What I like, however, is that the writing style is written in the first person, which also gives the reader the opportunity to like the narrator and build up sympathy. Other points I found while reading:

He’s buried treasure on Swallow island.

There is an article missing before “treasure”. A or the would be recommended. And island has to be written with a capital letter, since it´s a name.

Adelaide bay.

Here is the same mistake as with “Swallow island” before. Bay has to be written with a capital letter.

“Mind your words Mr. Flint,” he said. “They might earn you some extra time, locked up in the attic” he said with absolute glee!

You are repeating yourself here with the "he said". Since I don't see if it is an intentional increase, I would try to remove one of them or insert another comment.

I see the story as a first attempt to create something bigger. You have built a basement and a foundation, now it is time to build the house and the necessary interior.

Have fun writing!

Mailice

Rohit123 says...

Thank you so much for reviewing my story Mailice! I completely agree that it was a bit rushed. It was my first time writing a longer story and I was trying to finish within an hour. This review really helped me a lot.
Once again, thank you so much.

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Mon Jun 14, 2021 7:18 pm

WinnyWriter wrote a review...

Hey there! I like the idea you've got going on here. You should think about expanding this short story into something fuller. There's so much that is unsaid because the story is so short. I'm very much into the clue found on the tapes in a basement, and I'd like to see more information on why the MC's foster parents are so villainous, why the don't want him in the basement, why they lock him in the attic - why the butler is always breathing down his neck. Probably the biggest question is why the Parkinson's are his greatest antagonists. Do they know about the secret treasure, too?

The way you start out by jumping right into a very exciting scene really catches the reader's interest. After that, the story moves really fast and can be a bit hard to follow in places. I think overall the best tips would be keep improving your formatting, especially when it comes to changing paragraphs/speakers, and just keep growing your general writing skills.

Your story is exciting and has a lot of potential. Great job!

Rohit123 says...

Thank you so much for reviewing! I admit the story was a bit confusing, but hey! It was my first time writing a longer story.
I'm really glad you liked my story.

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Reviews: 130

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Mon Jun 14, 2021 6:12 pm

Stellarjay wrote a review...

Hello Rohit123,
Lets jump right into the review shall we?

Roses

Your story was so fun to read! I loved the idea of having a tape hidden in the basement. Also when the butler immediately found out, that was so scary. You had a good balance between dialogue and action. Also your plot was really interesting! For the most part the story in general was an easy read.

Buds

Take some time to describe the setting. It helps paint a picture in the reader's mind. It can also help the story move along in a smooth manner. Some questions you can ask yourself while writing are:

What year is it when the story takes place?
What does the house look like? (or whatever else is in the story, like the ship.)
What do the characters look like, what age are they?
What is the weather?

Note: Don’t describe things in immense detail! This can confuse the reader and make the story boring to read. Make sure your descriptions leave room for the reader to fill in the blanks.

Writing dialogue in a smooth and natural way is extremely important. You did a good job with it, but there are a few things you could tweak.
As you go along with your dialogue, you don’t really say who is speaking. I got confused in a few parts. Like here for example:

“YOU!!!” he screeched! “Because of you, we’re both trapped and there’s no way out unless….unless…”
“You, kid, do you have a swiss army knife?”
“Well, yes. I found one on Sans Andreas harbor”
“Good. now do you have it with you?”
“Well naturally, a swiss army knife isn’t common”
“ Good. Now, open the screwdriver part”
“And then after that, put it between the crack between the door and the wall”

I assume that the first two lines are spoken by the butler, but it is hard to tell since they aren’t joined together in any way. This also happened after the third line.
To fix this I would do something like this: “unless...unless” The butler grabbed me by the shoulders “You, kid, do you have a swiss army knife?”
This makes reading it sound more natural and a lot less confusing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That is all I have for you today. I hope my review was helpful. As always have a great rest of your day and keep on writing!
- Stellarjay

Rohit123 says...

Thank you for giving such a detailed review! I think the dialogues are a bit confusing without being joined too, so I'll try to fix that.
Your review helped me a lot so once again, thank you so much.

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Sun Jun 13, 2021 1:41 am

FakeStories13 wrote a review...

Great start! I just have a couple of suggestions.

"it was Jackson Stilt, the butler, staring an evil grin at me." Maybe change it to "staring at me with an evil grin on his face."

"'Mind your words Mr. Flint,' he said. 'They might earn you some extra time, locked up in the attic' he said with absolute glee!" The "he said" is a bit repetitive. You could change it to, "'Mind your words Mr. Flint. They might earn you some extra time, locked up in the attic' he said with absolute glee!"

"Finally we reached the attic." Maybe change this to "Once we finally reached the attic..." The short sentence feels a bit awkward.

"grabbed some necessaries on the way" Maybe you could use the word "necessities" instead of "necessaries."

"Later that day, around midnight when everyone else was asleep, I came out for a drink of water, I heard voices." This is a bit confusing to read. Maybe add, "when I cam out for a drink of water, I heard voices." Or split the sentence into two sentences.

I think it might be best to explain the setting, the characters, and the relationships of characters before jumping into the action.
If you disagree with anything I said, feel free to ignore it!

Overall, your story is very interesting and what you have written so far is pretty good. You also use a lot of great words to describe the story like, "gasped," "baboon," and, "screeched." I love the mystery and suspense of the tape recording that the character listened to at the beginning! It makes me want to read more to find out what happens!

Rohit123 says...

Thank you for reviewing! This review really put a smile on my face. I agree with everything you said, especially using necessities instead of necessaries and "Staring at me with an evil grin on his face"
Once again, thank you so much!