z

Young Writers Society



A Fight for Survival

by Rodhead


He could feel the warmth of the sun on his back, heating his body, he could he could hear himself breathing in and out in a rythmic pattern. He lay there in the sun as though he had no worries or cares in the world, his friend beside him doing the same. Both of them lying there peacefully. They had lay in that exact same spot sleeping in that same way, side by side for as long as they could remember. Since they were babies when their mother would gaze at them and feel so proud that she was the mother of these two handsome boy cubs. They were children they would play together, dream together and as adults they would hunt together. They now lay sleeping together on the scorched brown turning yellow grass. They could feel it scraping their tummies as they breathed in and out. They could remember lying on the grass when it was luscious and green and soft to the touch. They dreamed of those days and longed for those days when everything was safer and simpler. But things were starting to change and they were starting to become afraid. They had started never apart, asto notice things changing. Firstly, it was the river beginning to slowly fade away. It was getting warmer and warmer every day and the water that fell from the sky had stopped. They didn't take too much notice of this until animals around them started to grow weak and drop to the ground, lying there for days on end until their eyes closed over and wouldn't open.

With a start Sam awoke and jumped up. He stood still in the same spot for a few moments. Then walked over to Ceaser and nudged him with his nose. Ceaser groaned and rolled over on his back. Sam was not in the humor for playing games that day and walked away. Ceaser fell back to sleep while Sam decided to go for a walk. He headed in the direction of the river. As he walked he surveyed the land around him and the changes that had occurred. He walked through the yellow bristly grass. He walked past dead animals on his way to the river and held his breath as he passed being careful not to inhale the foul odor of the rotting carcasses. Eventually when he did let go of his breath and inhaled fresh air into his lungs , a scent caught his nose. He sniffed the air and could smell something not so far away. He walked slowly, trying his best not to make a sound. He could now hear slurping sounds. As he approached the place where the river once was, and now all that remained of it was a stream he sighted zebra on the far side of the stream. Sam took cover in the long grass under the shade of a tree. He lay quiet for a while obseving the zebra. They were a bit on the slender side but he was not picky, he couldn't afford to be.

Coming from behind him he could hear the sound of feet running on the ground, aproaching. He looked back and could see Ceaser running towards him. The zebra looked up and could see Ceaser coming for them as well and then fled as fast as they could. But there was one zebra, an outcast of the herd, a bit down the stream. It had not noticed Ceaser and had stayed with its head down, happily laping up the the water trickling down the stream. Sam could not see this zebra and was absolutely furious with Ceaser for scaring away his dinner. His last feed was many days ago and he was starving with the hunger. He was once a lovely looking animal - fat and happy with gleaming golden fur and a shaggy mane- but that had all changed. He now had a bloated tummy, his rib cage was visible, his lovely soft fur was dry and coarse. His mane was scraggy and knotted, his hair falling out in places caused from malnutrition. He knew that his time was coming to and end, he had the same fate as all the others who had gone before him. He was trying his best not to think about it though, to occupy his mind from these dreadful and unnecessary thoughts. He knew that Ceaser knew as well but Ceaser was stubborn . . .he would do anything he could in his power to prevent himself from dying. Ceaser was headstrong. While all of these thoughts were running through Sam's mind, Ceaser was contemplating something entirely different, he was concentrating on his dinner!

Ceaser ran past Sam, not noticing him and leaped across the stream, soaring through the sky and pouncing on the zebra, whose reaction was too slow and didn't have enough time to flee. Within seconds the beast had sank its magnificent teeth into the poor, helpless animal, killing it. The lion stood there admiring the good work he had done and the feast he was staring at. Again as he had done before he stuck his teeth into the creature ripping a leg off and devouring into it.

This really irked Sam and he was across the stream within two seconds and standing in front of Ceaser.

"What do you think you are doing?" roared Sam. Ceaser looked up at Sam in astonishment.

"Well what does it look like? Eating my well deserved meal!"

"That should be mine" bellowed Sam. Ceaser looked at him and then ran at him. His hunger had consumed him. With his two front paws Ceaser pushed Sam backwards, Sam yelled and ran back towards Ceaser. But Ceaser stepped to the side and Sam fell straight into the ground, slamming his leg awkwardly as he landed. Sam was very weak by this stage but he rose and limped over to the dead zebra and clawed off a chunk of the animals flesh. He began to gulp it down. Ceaser saw red and screamed "That is mine!". He sprung on top of Sam, knocking him to the ground once again and as his instinct directed him, he sunk those magnificent teeth into Sam's chest without a second thought. Sam roared in agony "What have you done?". Ceaser glared at his brother, turning away, he grabbed the zebra in his mouth and headed home, abandoning his brother and only friend to die alone, in pain. Sam lay helplessly on the ground, for the last few moments of his life and thought about all the happy times he had shared with his brother. The times they had laughed and spent together, the memories which they had shared.

But now Sam was left to die on his own.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
14 Reviews


Points: 813
Reviews: 14

Donate
Thu May 28, 2009 10:27 pm
angelwing12 says...



THAT WAS AWESOME WRITE MORE WRITE MORE! I LOVED IT!!!




User avatar
135 Reviews


Points: 248
Reviews: 135

Donate
Tue May 26, 2009 6:30 pm
lakegirls wrote a review...



Hi,
I'm going to do a review for you today!
All my edits, comments and concerns will be in bold :)

He could feel the warmth of the sun on his back, heating his body, deleted repeated phrase he could hear himself breathing in and out, in and out in a rhythmic pattern. He lay there in the sun as though he had no worries or cares in the world, his friend beside him doing the same. Both of them lying there peacefully. They had lay in that exact same spot sleeping in that same way, side by side for as long as they could remember. Since they were babies when their mother would gaze at them and feet- Feel? so proud that she was the mother of these two handsome boy cubs- You should specific here that they are lion's. The whole time I read this I thought they were bear's. They were never apart, as children they would play together, dream together and as adults they would hunt together. They now lay sleeping together on the scorched brown turning yellow grass. They could feel it scraping their tummies as they breathed in and out. They could remember lying on the grass when it was luscious and green and soft to the touch. They dreamed of those days and longed for those days when everything was safer and simpler- It flows better. But things were starting to change and they were starting to become afraid. They had started to notice things changing. Firstly, it was the river beginning to slowly fade away. It was getting warmer and warmer every day and the water that fell from the sky had stopped. They didn't take too much notice of this until animals around them started to grow weak and drop to the ground, lying there for days on end until their eyes closed over and wouldn't open.

With a start Sam awoke and jumped up. He stood still in the same spot for a few moments. Then walked over to Ceaser and nudged him with his nose. Ceaser groaned and rolled over on his back. Sam was not in the humor for playing games that day and walked away. Ceaser fell back to sleep while Sam decided to go for a walk. He headed in the direction of the river. As he walked he surveyed the land around him and the changes that had occurred. He walked through the yellow bristly grass. He walked past dead animals on his way to the river and held his breath as he passed being careful not to inhale the foul odor of the rotting carcasses. Eventually when he did let go of his breath and inhaled fresh air into his lungs , a scent caught his nose. He sniffed- Sniffed sounds better. the deleted repeated word air and could smell something not so far away. He walked slowly, trying his best not to make a sound. He could now hear slurping sounds. As he approached the place where the river once was, and now all that remained of it was a stream he sighted zebra on the far side of the stream. Sam took cover in the long grass under the shade of a tree. He lay quiet for a while observing the zebra. They were a bit on the slender side but he was not picky, he couldn't afford to be.

Coming from behind him he could hear the sound of feet running on the ground, approaching him. He looked back and could see Ceaser running towards him. The zebra looked up and could see Ceaser coming for them as well and then fled as fast as they could. But there was one zebra, an outcast of the herd, a bit down the stream. It had not noticed Ceaser and had stayed with its head down, happily lapping up the the water trickling down the stream. Sam could not see this zebra and was absolutely furious with Ceaser for scaring away his dinner. His last feed was many days ago and he was starving with the hunger. He was once a lovely looking animal - fat and happy with gleaming golden fur and a shaggy mane- but that had all changed. He now had a bloated tummy, his rib cage was visible, his lovely soft fur was dry and coarse. His mane was scraggy and knotted, his hair falling out in places caused from malnutrition. He knew that his time was coming to and end, he had the same fate as all the others who had gone before him. He was trying his best not to think about it though, to occupy his mind from these dreadful and unnecessary thoughts. He knew that Ceaser knew as well but Ceaser was stubborn . . .he would do anything he could in his power to prevent himself from dying. Ceaser was headstrong. While all of these thoughts were running through Sam's mind, Ceaser was contemplating something entirely different, he was concentrating on his dinner!

Ceaser ran past Sam, not noticing him and leaped across the stream, soaring through the sky and pouncing on the zebra, whose reaction was too slow and didn't have enough time to flee. Within seconds the beast had sank its magnificent teeth into the poor, helpless animal, killing it. The lion stood there admiring the good work he had done and the feast he was staring at. Again as he had done before he stuck his teeth into the creature ripping a leg off and devouring into it.

This really irked Sam and he was across the stream within two seconds and standing in front of Ceaser.

"What do you think you are doing?" roared Sam. Ceaser looked up at Sam in astonishment.

"Well what does it look like? Eating my well deserved meal!"

"That should be mine" bellowed Sam.

Ceaser looked at him and then ran at him. His hunger had consumed him. With his two front paws Ceaser pushed Sam backwards, Sam yelled and ran back towards Ceaser. But Ceaser stepped to the side and Sam fell straight into the ground, slamming his leg awkwardlyas he landed. Sam was very weak by this stage but he rose and limped over to the dead zebra and clawed off a chunk of the animals flesh. He began to gulp it down.

Ceaser saw red and screamed "That is mine!". He sprung on top of Sam, knocking him to the ground once again and as his instinct directed him, he sunk those magnificent teeth into Sam's chest without a second thought. Sam roared in agony "What have you done?". Ceaser glared at his brother, turning away, he grabbed the zebra in his mouth and headed home, abandoning his brother and only friend to die alone, in pain. Sam lay helplessly on the ground, for the last few moments of his life and thought about all the happy times he had shared with his brother. The times they had laughed and spent together, the memories which they had shared.

But now Sam was left to die on his own.


This was a very good beginning to a story with a lot of potential.

Check your work! This is extremely important. You want your work to be the best it can be when you post here so be sure to look it over not twice, but three times before posting.

I hope you continue to write more of this, it was very interesting. You did an excellent job at leaving the reader's wanting more!

If you need anything PM me!

Love,
N




User avatar


Points: 890
Reviews: 2

Donate
Sat May 23, 2009 4:43 pm
Yuukihana wrote a review...



A very compelling story, albeit some misspellings were made.

"He could feel the warmth of the sun on his back, heating his body, he could he could hear himself breathing in and out, in and out in a rythmed pattern"

Since you've stressed in and out twice, it is already rhythmic. Hence, it's not necessary to repeat it with "rhythmic pattern" (that's what I assumed it was?)

" But things were starting to change and they were starting to grow afraid. They had started to notice things changing"

The line doesn't fit in. It would have been more appropriate if you injected the notion of fear when Sam was hunting for the zebra.

"They were a bit on the slender side but he was not picky, he couldn't aford to be."

I've noticed quite a lot of commas going on, you might try to experiment with semi-colons and other types of symbol instead. The flow of the story will be different and fresh.

"But Ceaser stepped to the side and Sam fell straight into the ground, slamming his leg awkwarly as he landed."

Sometimes the "But" and other types of conjunctions can be ignored provided the sentence is able to hold itself. I would recommend dropping it. Awkwardly is misspelled.

Other than that, It was a nice read about the suffering in the savannah. I liked the dramatic ending; when brothers fight each other for food. Survival of the fittest, I guess. You've done well humanising animals in the story. The descriptions were good but could use more practice. Hoping to see more of your works soon.





cron
You can't choose your parentage. But you can choose your legacy.
— Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus