Published June 23, 2011
So yeah... this is just something I threw onto notepad. Almost absent-mindedly really...as I'm such a misunderstood and eccentric genious...
lol, just kidding. Enjoy the poem ladies and gents.
A bandits fortune
He walked amongst the hollow light,
Whilst winters throes did call to him,
Such tranquil skies in dead of night,
Brought forth fond memories to the brim,
And when he yawned, his breath did cloud
As homage to the moon he bowed,
Such serenity gathered to one place,
Did softly reflect upon his face,
His thoughts did dwell upon a time,
Where grace granted him a beauty, divine,
Her touch was soft as snowfalls kiss,
Her voice, a wave of captured bliss;
As first light scratched the violet sky,
His shadow teetered towards the west;
Where now, in wait for him she lies
His heart did ache, his mood digressed,
Upon his brow was writ a frown
"so far away from home", he sighed
alas, in his longing he did drown
no matter how much to himself he lied,
the beaten path behind him called,
whilst he tried to pursue the road untold
the vagrant in him did slowly abate,
with the yearning he knew his love would satiate
Of all the things that one could plunder
even the lustre of gold would dim;
the moment he cast all in the world asunder
and clutched her deeply unto him.
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138,236 Literary Works • 672,088 Reviews
Hey, Rocksmith. Let's see, overall. . really beautiful poem. And I mean beautiful. ^-^ You had such a wonderful way of articulating yourself and allowing the words to just fall off your tongue. Which is really the essence of poetry in many ways. A piece of writing that flows nicely from the mind and can clearly portray one's feelings. In that sense, I think you did a great job.
There were a few things though I think you may need to spend a tad bit more time and attention on fixing. As some of the others commented on, there were a few places that seemed to read off a bit choppy. With poetry you don't really want there to be any of that. It tends to divert the reader's attention from the message you're trying to portray. It takes away from the impression your words evoke. An example probably here:
The first two lines I was in love with. In fact, these two first lines along with the one before it that's not included in the quote, were probably my favorite. It was this last line that threw me off a bit. It's a really great line by itself I realize, but as for fitting in along with the rest of the poem, the flow of things got a bit hung up with your ending word. I think there were a few snags in this sense, as I know you're aware, but I can also see where it'd get a bit tough in attempting to fix up the flow of things without changing or altering any of the imagery or metaphors you have squeezed in there.
But anyway, I really liked this. What's not to like.
-Smylin'
I'm really glad you guys like my poem
It's really pleasing that the description and mood came off well.
I will work on the flow of the poem and sort out any spelling errors, rest asured haha.
Thanks alot for commenting. Means alot
This really well written, and I like the way that it flows.
Although from about here:
onwards, it doesn't seem to flow as well as it did at the beggining.
Also, at the line
Did you mean to put 'in wait for him she lies'?
A beautiful poem. There is such depth and vivid imagery. The poem doesn't flow as well at some points but all in all i really love it.
So... uh... Do you have a girlfriend?
Just kidding. Your too old for me anyway. But I loved that poem! Wow. Just...Wow. It needs some work rhythmically. But the voice was great. This is my new favorite poem. *likes*