Young Writers Society

Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a short review for you on this lovely night, and to help get your work out the green room.

Okay let's begin.
A Bandit's Fortune what an interesting name, I haven't seen anything like it before, so this got my attention right away, and I knew I had to come read your poem.
And boy was it amazing, the deep emotion was amazing, it got to me so well, I could feel everything that needed to be felt, I think you did an amazing job telling this wonderful story in a poem form, it's short, but the point and the emotions come across really well, making the poem a lot more enjoyable.
I love that this poem was long, it aloud me to stay in the little world you created a little longer than other poems. I thought the descriptive words you chose to use were a great touch to the whole thing. It made me feel even more like I was apart of your poem, it was so cool.
Your punctuation made the flow of the poem just right, there were no hiccups the flow was perfect. That also goes for your spelling, that to was brilliant.

Well that's all from me for now, I'm glad I go to be one of the lucky people to read and review this poem, I'm sure I will be back ti give it another read sometime, it's just that good. I hope you will keep writing amazing things like this, because if you keep it up you can get your poems published one day. Anyway keep writing and have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!

From what I understood, your poem is set in almost completely the same way as the image you showed. But which came first?
The picture or the poem?
Like that image is really setting the mood, but then your poem comes out as romantic- I guess moonlight and a light in the distance is romantic.. but I was expecting something more.. let’s say gloomy.
For the rhythm, it nearly reached an iambic pentameter; but then it becomes more irregular and fast- and that’s destroyed. You begin with a slow, a regular but slow rhythm in the beginning. Lots of words and description give a feeling of peace and serenity- and that’s exactly what I felt reading your first lines. But the style you used, or maybe just the title- it makes this whole poem look ancient. Like a memory.
There is one passage I feel the need to point out
“And when he yawned, his breath did cloud,
As homage to the moon he bowed.
Such serenity in one place,”
The rhythm is broken just with that last line. I know you put a dot, or a point; or whatever- but maybe something a bit more.. enhancing. Like skip a line or two or change the format.
Now I get what has stricken me with your poem.
Ever watched a movie, neither good or bad; I mean it wasn’t awful or boring to watch- but it just didn’t do anything new. As a result you end up forgetting that movie. (Crawl is a good example) and that’s because it’s not trying anything. It’s playing safe, and as a result it just is good.
There is no vibrant description, so not that; no small, painful and emotional lines
(Example: (from a YWS poem)
My mind
Still loves you
But my heart
Has moved on
By that I mean I’m heartless
Now that
you’re gone,)
So really, there isn’t anything which mark a reader. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m saying it lacks of emotion. It feels as though you played it safe. It FEELS as though you played it safe. Because truly, even in the short lines I’ve put up overhead, there’s a lot of emotion, a lot of things going on. But as a result, your poem is not a description of a stage or emotion, or anything about you really- so we can’t connect. You’ve not put your emotions on paper, you’ve written down words meant to be your emotion. But people can’t connect to that. When you write a poem, write; not polite ways or well-mannered styles. Because your words will sound round and hollow. But write how you feel. The thoughts in your head. I never like a fully prepared poem because it feels too stitched, too polite to be a poem about feelings.
Don’t hold what you feel, back. That’s what I like in poems.