Young Writers Society

There is a limit somewhere between confession and feeling. There is a limit where you can not really see the truth as it is for real. I would lie saying that I am a poet. I am just an alter ego of myself, me the one who lives or me the one who is writing. I don't know for sure which of "me" is the real one.

It have all started when I was little. Some kind of not-so-sporty guy that proved to be more special than he seems. I was a little bit odd you may say... But what was the hardest thing in that period was being myself. I've been bullied. I won't waste my time talking about that physical pain.It doesn't make any sense. Nor the school , nor my home where places in which I would feel safe.

We were a Chinese family living in Tokyo in a neighborhood of European and American people. I was not accepted by any of the Japanese or extra-Japanese children. At the time I didn't know any other Chinese people around. My family was too out of usual. My parents divorced and I was living with my mom. Out of everybody, I loved my auntie and my grandma the most.

The house was pretty much normal, we had a garden of lavender. All around it there were jasmine flowers and, in the middle of the lavender there was a lake. The Eastern side of the lake was protected by a cherry tree which my grandma told me that symbolizes Orient. The maple tree on the Western side was that orange or red in the autumn that I always imagined it as the spirit of American Wild West. My life turned out to be a run between the two trees, like the moon crying its stark all over the lake.

Just like the concepts you may have about Chinese people (which, believe me are just some ways you judge) I had a culture of food. That was my first talent. That was my first way to bring pleasure to the world.

I can keep telling you stories about my past that can make you laugh, or cry or that can change the way you see the world. But, once again, what sense does it make?

As it is enough about myself I should start talking about him... My life turned out to be happy after I met Rick. It was a very hot autumn evening and the redish orange maple leaves were shinning in the golden sunlight. My mom was throwing a barbaque party with a lot of her boyfriend's friends. As I didn'twant to get in all that mess I prefered mixing some spice for our food. I can say that it was a moment changing my life. That's when I've firstly met my boyfriend, Rick. He was from a Latin American family and was about to come to the same highschool ehere I was. How can I describe that moment? The first thing that hit me was his beauty. His perfect skin, his tight shirt... It just hit me... I forgot to tell you but in the week I met Rick I was very obsessed with latino boys... But that's another story to be told, anoter confession with my blood on this notebook. You may blame me because I didn't tell you how my soul was prepared for his love... just that I am not ready to confess... yet.

I can also tell you about how we first kissed, at the pool, me and him, how I knew he was meant to be mine... I justlove the way his love brought so much happiness and change in my life... But my mindis blocked on this one and only memory . It was my home, late in the night. He was lying on my bed playing absently with my pillow. In all of that bloor, I still see him giving me an odd mood... I climbed over his body just to get a kiss then I layed my head on him. 'Turn off the lights' he said. I still regret pretending to be asleep and keeping the light on.

***

I woke up. Rick was still in my bed, sleeping. These moments of unexplainable happiness I live are so hard to take... I just gave him an amazing birthday gift. What's better than my own self? Anyway... I need to avoid looking at the garden... Icannot believe that the cherry trees can blossom in March! Why so early? It's simply getting me crazy! I need to avoid looking at it! Thanks God Rick is waking up.

'Good morning, Derek!' he said to me like he wanted me to kiss him. I can't believe that our relationship changed so much, that I am the strong one, that I lead this relationship... 'I just had my best birthday' he said. He must've been right, or , at least I had to believe him. 'Some more rainbow cake?' I asked hoping that his answer would be yes. 'No! I prefer some walking in the garden... Please?!' Damn! No way! Not the garden! No! 'Okay, Rick!' I said.

That's like avoiding to see the cherry tree didn't work. The lake was beautiful like every time. I imagined the maple tree full of red and orange leaves but I couldn't... It seemed so empty... At least I had rick with me. The lake was only showing my reflection, only myself, and so was the maple tree an empty shadow of my Rick... It may be perfect, it may have been perfect... But she had to call! My phone was vibrating and the name 'Reeve' made me instantly look at the cherry tree, that cherry tree in its marvelous blossom turning pink or white and smelling perfectly fresh, like the spring itself.

'I'm busy' I texted her. 'With Rick.' Se must've understood because she let me countinue my walk with Rick without any other interruption. 'Derek, are you sure you don't want to swim?' Rick asked me while I was watching his naked body shinning in the water of the lake. I prefered not to. It was still too cold for me. I could never stand all the ice and cold... Never! Sadly, after getting dry Rick went home and left me in my thoughts...

Reeve was again in my mind. I met her at school. Some random girls were laughing about he. She was the kind of magnet for that kind of bully that used only words. I saw her Gaga bracelet, and, as she was a little monster I had to help her. She mumbled some 'hey' very embaressed and then said 'Kannici wa' in a Japanese that made her look a little bit silly. Then I started talking with her and I've found a very good friend... She would be there every time even if nobody asked her to. I guess all she wanted was a chance. How can I escribe her? Too much religious, too much caring about what she called 'her art' and stuff like that. Totally the opposite of me.

But right now, in my bed, feeling Rick's smell all over the pillow I hold in my arms I couldn't think at anything but our talk... One day this winter we were playing in the snow. I don't know what she likes about snow and winter. It seemed to be a perfect day, at least for her . She finally looked happy while laughing. And then she started talking again about her stuff. 'What do you mean sex is the most important thing in love?' she said. 'I can't believe you said that! It's stupid for you to say that!'. She was so much into arguing about what soul means and how I should care about it... At the moment I told her to get out of my house. She left crying but the next day she was the one calling me to say sorry. But now I ask myself what if she was right? And it is so hard to understand which is the truth thinking about what she said while facing the place while some hours ago me and Rick were tasting heaven. How would Reeve know if she never felt that? She has no way to understand it! One of us must be wrong, but no matter how much she believes in her truth she can't be right! Or can she? Why is it so hard for me to know? Why do I wuestion myself? It's her fault!

***

Why did I wake up so early? 5 AM... 7 messages, 3 lost calls... only one name: Reeve. Can this girl be more annoying? I mean, it used to me okay, but now she wants too much from me.

'Hey, morning! I woke up so early, couldn't sleep. Are you there?'

'Hey, sorry, you must be with Rick. Don't mean to disturb you guys. Message me when you can talk'

'Yeey, I wrote a new poem! Who thought night can be so inspiring?'

'Okay, I lied, it was you inspiring the poem , not the night. Gosh, am I loosing my art?'

After reading some of her messages I was already sick... Like she doesn't know she's like talking with herself.... Can't she understand I am not in the mood? The next messages were about her art and her God... For a girl obsessed with Japanese culture she was too much of a christian. Souls and art, like life is about it! Life is about something else, it's about... Oh my, this makes me think about Rick... What is the time again? 5 AM! I still got time to go to Rick before school!

I took my umbrella because outside it was raining. In the incandescent morning light, so blue and so dark because of the rain the cherry blossom was falling down. Maybe that's what Reeve does right now. She falls apart. But I... I still look beautiful, not only me but also my reflection in the lake is beautiful...

Walking omn the street I found out that Japan isn't really a country I could live in. It is too much strict and too much rough. And I was born to be... Putting my heartbeats in I knew... aBad Kid! Gaga music is always good to me. While I go to Rick's house the music is making me relax. That woman and her music are ready to give me supreme freedom any time. The cherry trees next to Rick's house were giving me no feeling. Thankfully. I knew he sleeps with his window opened so I climed in and went in his room. Even if he felt my breath on his neck he wasn't scared. he turned around and kissed me. What can I say, I felt good. His hot breath while the windy rain outside was touching my naked back while entering in the room through the opened window... Rick didn't say a thing, he knew I was there for that physical pleasure that could make my mind blow.

With that much happiness it is easy to forget about school. It was 9:30 AM and I went in the kitchen to cook for Rick. He would always enjoy a breakfast made by me. And here we go again, Reeve sent me lots of messages. Gosh, now she's calling! 'Derek, are youokay?' she said almost crying. She was probably very worried. 'Busy. At Rick's house. Cover me at school, won't come all day.'. After my last word and a Japanese-like period of not talking (because she loves this country so much) Reeve mumbled some kind of yes...I felt a little bit guilty , I probably hurt her... But it was Rick the one I cared about now. Before finishing the Mexican food I recived another message from Reeve. 'I love you' she said then I turned off my phone and went to Rick's room. He was so beautiful waiting me in his bed after he had probably closed the window.His skin was so beautiful... perfect skin. In moments like that he was the hottest guy alive, only he was and nobody else. I felt in love. I was in love! Every part of my body would scream that while kissing him, while feeling his tongue on my teeth, then slowly touching my neck and my chest, How is it possible for it to be anything but heaven? Yes, it must be heaven.

***

I left Rick's house because his parents were about to come from work. I don't know why but my steps took me to Reeve's house. She was in her garden, probably enjoying the sun that showed up and the rainbow. She probably had to do her homework but she was reading Yukio Mishima's book. I gues she was reading 'Confessions of a mask'. Even if this girl was almost one year younger than me (actually 10 months younger) she was too much into school and learning. While I had a life! I must've made her cry today, but when she saw me she left her book and ran to me for a hug... Even if she was sometimes so dark, she could also be full of energy and bright.

'Derek! In time to see the rainbow! Look at it, isn't it beautiful? It reminds me of you! I've even written a haiku about it. Look!'

I took her notebook with her pretty much ugly handwritting. It was the notebook where she used to write poems after she copied tthem from the super messy paper that she first uses.

'Flying on rainbows

There's no way to feel the pain

Of your soul or art'

After rushing in reading it I told her I like it. I don't know if she believed me or not. She was usually very confident about er art... at least...

'Derek, can you sit?' she asked me and I read in her eyes that she had something to say... Those hazel eyes turning green were a sign of hopeless faith for her. 'What if I told you' she said 'what if I told you I... Gosh, I can't say it!'. I tried to help her, but guess 'Reeve, you know, I guess you can't say it because you got a crush on me' were not exactly the best words . She burst crying, I don't know if she was happy or sad... But with the grace of a Japanese geisha she excused for a moment and went to her house thinking that I won't notice the fact that she took a pen and came back with a pice of paper. I guess she never wants to show her feelings. She turns feelings in her art.

'Gosh, I'm so embaressed!' she said. 'I never had to do this bfore... Never had a crush, always imagined love for my art, and now... But you know, I like the fact that it's impossible... Not only that no guy would ever love me, but you have no reason to... you won't love a girl. At least I know at you it ain't personal, but even if you were streight I guess you wouldn't. But we won't ever know, will we?'

Oh my God, how was this girl able to keep such long speeches without waiting for an answer? I spent the rest of the afternioon telling her about my night with Rick and playing absently with her hair, just to watch the blonde highlights looking redish in the sunlight. Then I knew she must have missunderstood all our friendhip. She might've thought i give her a chance tolove... Poor girl, she doesn't know I am not that kind of normal Even if I would love to be streight just for a day so I won't be bullied so I would see how a normal person feels... Gues this is a moment changing my life... Because I never questioned myself before... What's sucj a great difference between being bi and gay? Guess I would've loved to be bi... Or maybe, I just think so...

***

Some dreams may bring revelations, some dreams may bring fear. Some dreams can be sweet, and others... should become true... I don't know what kind of dream is this one.. Maybe a dream that i will udnerstand much later...

In my dream it was a very hot day... One of those days when I would swim in th lake. I jumped in the clear water expecting to find something that will cool me down. But, after that I've noticd something strange. Both the maople and cherry tree were in their maximum beauty: the spring cherry blossom and th autumn maple tree. It was s hot outsdide that it must've been summer... But, then... why was it snowing? It's unexplainable but I didn't care. I tried to see my reflection in the lake's water but all I could see waas a rainbow hurricane twisting itself in a deep darkness. The darkness was pulling me close to the cherry tree while the rainbow which I know that was myself with no illusion was going to the maple tree. I was so confused, which way should I go, my soul was like sold to the pink blossom while my body was feeling pleasure getting closer to the maple tree. The maple tree wasmy cool latino guy, Rick symbolizxing the West and the cherry tree was Reeve with her Orient obsession... In my dream I made a decision. And I was ready to follow it. I knew it was the good way, but... I woke up... Sadly, I wok up and I tried but I copuldn't remember what I decided... Then I felt like writing it down. Then I knew all this alter ego that could write down everything is nothing but a lake reflection of my rainbow confessions.

Hope you all like it. It is note done yet, just what iI've written until now. Enjoy!