On The Edge

Wonderful piece- the emotion is really well done. However, you might consider using some more figurative language. It might just be because I'm kind of addicted to imagery, but I think that if you were to use some similes/metaphor, especially towards the end, it would really strengthen this piece.

Also, there were a couple of nitpicks:

I'm standing on the edge,

The edge of what? We don't find out until the next stanza, and it's a little bit jarring when we do. Personally, I went back and read it again, just for the picture in my head to really be formed well.

I see your face
In the violent sea,
Hitting the jagged rock below
I remember..

The first two lines of this made me think of someone staring out at you, almost mournfully, like her soul was still in the water or something, and yearned to be free. But then, the last two lines make it sound like you're reliving the experience when she fell instead, which is a much different image. It really depends on whether you want it to be melancholy sad or horrifying/devastating sad.

I remember us sitting here
Looking.. As i do..
Not caring..
Just thinking.

The way you worded this makes it seem like you aren't caring too- I would say something like, "But we didn't care then, we just thought". Just to show the difference. I'm sure you can come up with something better than my example- just the contradiction is important.



The ending feels like it could be more emotional- the line "I suffer" could be seen as a single-line expression of absolutely devastation, but I really don't think it works well in this. It doesn't really give that whole conclusive feel that is important. Up to you though. Really nice job altogether. c:

-Coral-



I just scrolled up after posting and saw that it's a true story! So sorry that happened to you- that's awful.