Published January 3, 2011
Passing between years
That special moment
With that special person
In that special place of hers.
Atop of a building
We sat
And looked at the skies
Waiting for the clock to strike
So we can see the world change.
You get up for a closer shot
Focusing on the dark sky filled with stars
Which beauty only be eclipsed by yours
I blink..
It happens..
You're gone.
I frantically look around
My heart skips a beat
My throat swells and i can't breathe..
We're are you?
Don't do this to me right now!
A desperate voice hits me
Coming from the ledge
Tripping and sliding I run towards it
Just to see you fall down..
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138,206 Literary Works • 672,082 Reviews
i think this poem would go with some music and its really nice and poetic too
okay okay okay you totally need to do something with that. Is it a moral or did someone really fall off of a building or something. either way, person. you need to publish if you haven't already true power someone.
Hello there Rob. This is an amazing piece you have here. It comes right from the heart. I think that you just penned down emotions and converted it into a magnificent piece of poetry. Whatever flaws where there in your work have already been pointed out by the previous reviewers so i do not have to take the pain of nitpicking and so i can sit back and enjoy this wonderful piece. But i have just one thing to say that you should give a bit thought to the punctuation because they are totally missing from this poem. I loved this.
Keep writing.
Wow! Very...unexpected ending! LOL! It was good though. It started off very pretty and, well, cliche. But, lucky for you, you managed to save it with that ending. I loved it. =] One mistake though, you
should be 'where' are you? Honest mistake, easy to make but shows you were rushing while writing. So I'd do a good read through next time. Anyways, good work.Julie here to review! Here are my corrections:
As for the general impression, it is a good start. You need to add a few more figures of speech, because it is poetry, after all.
A good poem, very sad, but good. I really enjoyed it and I thank you for giving me the great experience of reading this poem.
... - You forgot the extra dot, a few times.
i - I - Capitalize your i's!
We're - Where - We're is We are, Where is a place or location.
Don't do this to me right now! Don't do this to me! It sounds better...somehow.
Tripping and sliding - I'm not sure you can trip and slide at the same time.
Apart from them, it's a very good poem and I would like to congratulate you on this poem, it has got on featured works and is a worthwhile read.
Hey there, Rob. Here to review your poem. ^^
First off, I think this is amazing, despite the spelling mistakes. The flow and rythym are wonderful and the imagery is amazing. If I'm correct, this appears to be a dream, yes? Either way, I like it. It turns bittersweet near the end and it fits this poem just fine. I like this aspect. It truly drew me in.
Now, nitpicks. Only one, which I believe had already been mentioned; "We're" is the condensed form of "We are" or "We were". What you're looking for there, I think, is "Where", as in "Where are you?" Do you see my point here? It's an easy mistake to make. People do the same with There/their/they're. Other than that, no other nitpicks. I like it just the way it is, once you fix that little mistake. It barely ruffles the feathers, but sometimes it can be annoying to see. Though, I never did like perfection.
Overall, a bittersweet and somewhat tragic poem you have here. I love it, adore it even. Truly, I do. *clicks like* Thank you for the beautifully tragic and bittersweet, poetry, Rob. I'd love to see more. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
where are you? i think you can omit the word right.
Hi I"m Shadowlight,
and I had the pleasure of reading your poem. I don't usually review poetry but I love to read it. (I can't write it to save my life though)
I thought this poem lovely, it was strong and you had a clear voice.
The only thing that threw me off the beat of the piece, is when you wrote of being on the roof and something about a ledge. That at least for me put me in mind of a city building where you can go on the roof and sit. Then you mentioned the stars, (which is lovely don't get me wrong) but I had this image of a cityscape in my mind and you can't see stars in the city most times so I had to do a little mental setting rearrangement. just for me it threw me off the whole pace for a second. if I got the setting wrong disregard everything (except the complements) forthwith.
I loved this poem! romantic, tragic, and lovely strong description.
Keep it up!
~Shadow~
I really thought this was fantastic. It gave a real emotional feel to it of the love and pain that is to be felt.
Also it has quite a powerful and dramatic ending and though I admit the flowing of it could be better but its rythmic feel is great.
hey rob.
nice poem, yeah i think if you can work it with music, it will be a nice song.
i have done some lyrics (feel free to visit my portfolio) titled, "Just a Dream" and this one reminds me of my work. it's a beautiful poem--not just the love-ish poems i've read (and wrote. *haha.).
most of all, i love how it ends. keep writing and stay inspired.
This was a really good piece- you might consider putting in some punctuation, so the flow is a little bit smoother, but it's very good as it is now. It really isn't what I was expecting, and is a really unique ending, so props for that too.
Nice job!
-Coral-
This is just spectacular.
This is simply amazing. I really enjoyed reading this, and it's not your typical love poem.
The only nitpic I have is you say We're are you. It should be where are you. I like the imagery here and just the concept in general.
I'm sorry I couldn't be of much help here.
-Flow-
Wow. What a - shocking? poem. Is that the right word? Anyway, I kinda liked it.
Hope my suggestions helped a little!
EDIT: Woops, I treated this like a regular poem. Forgot it was a lyrical poem. But yeah, if you work on it with music, it would probably work.
Keep writing!