Published November 20, 2010
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141,617 Literary Works • 675,172 Reviews
Hey Roal!
Plus, the only grammatical issue I can see here is about tenses, and I've corrected them in previous reviews, so hopefully, you can get an idea from them of what you're doing wrong and right. Plus, Apple seems to have explained it pretty well.
I think your new avvie is epic, by the way! I'm not going to bring up any nit-picks in this review because it's probably a lot better if I concentrate on deeper things... If you get what I mean...
The first thing I want to say regards the title. Now, it's clearly up to you what you want the title to be, but I myself aren't overly keen on the 'Till part. I'd rather see it as Until, but in all honesty, it's up to you what you want to have it like. I just thought I'd let you know what my point of view on it is like.
Okay! I have to agree with Apple on the whole too fast thing... You said that you always do it with your novels, but the first chapter of The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer was at a lovely pace. Because of that, I know that you can make the pace of this beginning great too. The problem with the pacing of this at the moment is the fact that us readers don't know your characters well enough to really get into the plot. I always like to get to know characters before all of the really important action happens. That way, we'll feel more connected to your story and I will guarantee you that you will be able to hook a lot more people in.
Another problem that moving too fast can cause is confusion. I will be honest here and say that I'm not 100% sure of what is going on exactly. The reason for this is because before us readers can grasp and really understand what you're telling us through your writing, you skip onto the next thing. That can have a tendency to make us readers feel a little disconnected to your story, so it's a struggle to really get into it. On the other hand, when you keep a steady pace, we can really grasp what's going on, making us feel as though we know your characters. More importantly, it makes us want to see what will happen next to them. Therefore, we will read on.
Thinking about that critique, it's annoying because I know that you can write your beginnings at a wonderful pace. I know this from what I've already read of your writing. Hmmm... Take a look at the beginning of The Bourreau and the Waltz Dancer, see what you've done there, and try and use that to help you slow things down in this. If you use the same pace in this as you've done with that, I can happily sat that the pacing problem will be solved. I know you can do it, Roal!
The only other critique I have kind of connects to the previous one anyway. It's that, at times, this story has a bit of a telling and not showing feel to it. Part of this reason is because of the pace of the writing. You're moving quickly, therefore, not giving that much time for descriptions and things like that. Don't just tell us that this happened, that she did this, that he did that. At the moment, this feels a little bit like you're doing that. You're hurrying into telling us what's going on without really thinking about your way of doing so. Make sure you give us readers the opportunity to understand and get into what you're showing us.
Negatives aside, I can see this with a load of potential. This isn't normally my kind of writing, but I have to admit that I'm quite well into this. There are many places where the story could go right now, which is great because it shows that what you're writing is original and definitely not predictable. That's something you appear to be very good at. Your grammar overall was really good, and although you are still struggling a bit with your tenses, they have improved since I started reading your writing. Keep it up!
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
I wasn't going to do nitpicks but when I saw your tense work I couldn't help it. If you want proper nitpicks and such request in my WRFF thread as that it where I do the whole nitpick thing-o. This is very interesting none-the-less. I was pretty captivated, especially in the killing parts.
Getting confused with your tenses, Roal. Tsk tsk. If you do past tense keep it till the end.
Same problem as above, past tense must be kept!
D":
-___-
D:< Ahhhhh!!!
Okay, here we go: before I rip out all my hair I'm going to explain to you about past tense as you seem to be having trouble with it. Past tense is where you record events that happened from the past. For example: Jaidon climbed that tree yesterday. You see what I mean? Whilst you, me' dear, are writing in both present and past tense. These both are a very bad combination and I'm terribly sorry but I'm very picky with my past tense so prepare to feel my wrath. That I've actually already given you.
Spoiler
You did it again, Roal.
Comma.
Alright, this is to fast. You keep skipping through, you need to slow it down, a lot. The killing could've gone on for longer and even explaining things as to what the hell she was doing in the room. I think I've told you this before but you need to work on layering. This is VERY important. You need to add so much more as I am stuck into what you're trying to get across. Layering is a very good way to do this, so you really should.
Another thing I spotted was your character is rather weak (personality wise) and her reactions are not realistic. Okay, I suggest two things. Give you character a life. Make her more real, make her seem something other then a drone you just thought up for lolz. Think anime, each character has a distinctive roll. To me, she would pull off a great caring, air-head but also a rough "I don't take crap" kind of person. Work it this way, think of good 'ol anime. And for your other problem, if I fought a demon/monster (even if I had been doing it all my life) I would cringe. I wouldn't just wack out my computer and start typing. Make her human, give her fear.
Other then these problem, I don't think there is any other problems. My one advice to you is to layer, it will make it a lot more thorough. Good work none-the-less, again, I found this interesting. Tell me when you post more, m'kay?
Apple.