Young Writers Society

hey amigo@
take a chill pill! plan some vacation for yourself. your poem is good. little short but full on entertaining. this piece is lil depressive but elaborates good emotions. in my opinion, your poetry is inspiration for other readers, who are feeling same as you. the title is also good, very catchy. you explained very clearly in your poem about relation between people and temple. you showed true picture!


over all grt work. keep writing!

Oh my gosh this is amazing. It was so simple but has so much meaning!

Where in the world did you get the idea for comparing your body to a temple because it is brilliant. This is the second poem I read about how their body is not something and both of them are amazing.

This poem means a lot because it's so true. My favorite part it when you tell why your body is not a temple because its what made me love this poem.

Thank you for sharing this and you definitely deserve the Literary Spotlight!

Happy Writing,
Cgirl

Nice writing...But to be honest, couldn't connect with your poem (If you wanted me to)...Because i felt that the flow is broken in the middle of the lines..I love this kind of succinct writing where you express a very deep thought in few lines..But, i feel something is missing in your poem..maybe you should have expanded the thought with more lines or should have "played' with the words in a different manner..

But i did like the comparison between man and temple (can i say God?)...everyone marvels at something which is superficial, no evidence of reality!!! (don't start thinking that i am an atheist, because I am not!!! Ha, i am a deist)...But no one today have a feeling for their fellow beings, who are real!!! who really exist...the innocence of human relationship has been lost amidst a world detached from reality....

thank you:-)

Hi Road!

Looking at this poem... I don't think you've really captured what a temple really is? Judging by what you laid out, this could be a structure from a carnival or a theme park. Or, maybe, a temple in the way that Hollywood would perceive it in an action film. Indian Jones' "Temple of Doom" comes to mind really quickly!

But, a real temple? A real honest-to-goodness temple? Remember that temples are a place of a worship! Meditation! Prayer! They are a place to get away from the chaos of regular life and sit down and think -- which you mentioned, but just barely, and you didn't expand on that really at all! So, when you ask people about temples or other religious places, they usually say that they go to them for peace and prayer.

Temples are not all about glitz and glamor... in fact, many of them are not this at all. Mind you, this doesn't mean that people who visit temples don't admire the architecture or the treasures inside or don't long for a souvenir (if those even exist, but a lot of temples don't have this).

So, my suggestion for the poem? Do a word association with the word "temple" and what it means to you in a way that is more... common, I guess. Think of the religious places that you've visited, if you're religious. Try meditation if you're not religious just to get an idea of what actually goes on at a temple. Honestly, the title, "My body is not a theme park" seems to be a more fitting title for the things that you've listed.

Best of luck!

gah. I know the feel too well. Good job.

You did a great job rendering your thoughts and putting them into words. I love it! Very deep and true.

I like the plot concept that you have here. A lot of people say that their bodies are temples, and it's not very often that you see the other side of the coin. You have given us that here, and written it quite well I must add.

You should not use as many sentences, however. Here, every line is a sentence. This has made your flow a little choppy. I think that you should switch out some of the periods for commas.

Also, your rather extensive use of 'one':

Because people visit temples.

One marvels at the architecture.

One loves the treasures inside.

One wants a souvenir.

One goes to think.

Hello there,
wonderful poem and an interesting concept. Very relate-able (le sigh).
" One wants a souvenir. " Is the line I really want to nit-pick. I dislike how the words 'one' and 'wants' sound next to each other. It could be my accent but it sounds a lot like 'whan whans' to me, not very poetic. Perhaps you could find another way to say it. Also, "one goes to think" doesn't sound very poetic either. Perhaps "one ponders on its steps" or something of the like.
No one speaks to temples either so I'd change the second to last line. It really hits home but it doesn't quite make sense in the comparison of temple/you.
I love this comparison between the temple and you though. I can imagine your ribs as great columns, etc.
This was really a great poem and a pleasure to read. Keep writing
-Kat

I like this. In the beginning i like how it refutes the common saying that our bodies are sacred temples and it comes back with metaphoric comparisons. It's a witty and clever concept but I do have just a few suggestions. At first you say "people visit temples" but then you switch to "one marvels" and "one loves" and that's a bit awkward if you could stick to one or the other it'd be better.

My favorite line is "One wants a souvenir" because it's funny and sadly true when you think about the double meaning. Which is cool , because each line can be more thought provoking when applied to an actual temple and then to the body, so I really liked that.

I did feel like the end "or speaks to me." was just a bit out of place. You were referring to the body and then you suddenly switch to the person. Were this a longer poem, I think a better transition could justify this switch, but at the end I felt unresolved because you just sort of dropped the subject and direction you had been headed the rest of the time and picked up a new one. If the loneliness of this person and feeling of inadequacy was the whole purpose I think you should make that more clear straight away, but if the purpose was, in fact, what I originally thought with the body being sacred, but the metaphor being ironically incorrect, then you might want to rewrite the end a little.
Over all, I still liked it.