Surrounded by forest, at the field in the middle there stood two houses divided by a dirt road. One of the houses belonged to a family, named the Oaks and the other belonged to the Wilsons. Mike Oak worked as a lumberjack in a lumber mill not far from home. Thomas Wilson was a farmer and grew corn on land he inherited from his father after his death. Alice Wilson spent the days at home wathing over there three year old daughter Molly. Mike’s wife Angela died a few years ago. But Mike had a son, named Andrew and so did Thomas and Alice – his name was Adam. The boys were both 9 years old and the best of friends.
It was late August in 1959 and one afternoon the boys were off to fish in the stream south of the forest. The sun was still shining and the two could feel the warm wind blowing in their faces.
“ Well, Adam, I believe today were gonna catch a big one!,” said Andrew with hope and optimism.
“Say what you want pal, but I heard a news forecast on the radio – a storm is coming,” replied Adam.
The boys eventually reached their favorite fishing spot and started preparing their spinning rods.
“And here you go again with your “Lucky Star”,” Adam pointed to Andrew’s shiny tin wobbler.
“Yep, and it never failed me yet!,” replied Andrew.
“Hope he does today!,” chuckled Adam.
The two were fishing for a while, but fish were more interested in Andrew’s lore, than Adam’s. Adam only heard his friend say things like “nearly” or “alright this time it’s going to be it” while he had tough luck.
“Man, this is stupid! How come fish bite your lore, but I get nothing.” mumbled Adam.
“Come on Adam our lore’s are the same and this spot is always booming of fish. Just try casting it further, near those bigger rocks, but be careful,” explained Andrew.
“We were fishing here since we were five. How come you think you know this stream better than me?” Adam asked in an angry voice.
“I’m just trying to help. Ok, just relax let’s continue to fish,“ said Andrew
“Yeah, whatever,” yet again mumbled Adam.
But as soon as he finished, Andrew caught something and it seemed huge. Adam watched how his friend after a short struggle pulled out a fish – it was a trout. Andrew happily grabbed the fish and put in a bucket and shut it with a wooden lid.
“Boy that was fun! But now I’m going to take a brake, maybe look for something to eat. If you want you can fish in my place.,.“ Andrew kindly declared to Adam.
As soon as Andrew was out of site, Adam took the lid off and glimpsed at the fish. It wasn’t the biggest trout, but it sure looked pretty. Something started bursting inside Adam. His friend suddenly turned into an enemy.
“He thinks he knows fishing better than me and the way he talks about his tin wobbler with such stupid pride. Well I’m going to show him.” Said Adam to himself, while putting his hand in the bucket.
He grabbed the trout and released him in to the stream. He watched as the trout swam deeper, while he felt quite happy. Soon after, Andrew returned.
“My dear friend your fish…it just jumped, jumped out of the bucket…you probably didn’t shut the lid hard enough…and I saw it, but it was to late,” lied Adam.
“Really?! Man this stinks! So dumb of me…Well anyway here I got you something” said Andrew in a frustrated voice and gave Adam an apple.
It was big, ripe and looked delicious. Before he took a bite off it, Adam glimpsed at his friend. He also had an apple, but it was smaller, had holes in it and it was looking more spoiled than Adam’s.
“ I went to the apple tree near the side of the field. A Lot of the apples were still unripe, but the one you got is great and I gave it to you since you didn’t catch anything.,.” explained Andrew
Now the little burst of anger and happiness turned to pain inside of Adam. Every bite he took of the apple, the more agony he felt. He couldn’t look at his friends eyes. He wanted to confess, but he couldn’t. The two eventually called it quits and started walking home.
“Man, if only I could have brought that trout home. I know it’s small, but I still think my dad would have liked it. He loves trouts, especially when I caught one and bring it to him…,”
The boys shook hands, said their goodbyes and went home. It was late and the sky was getting darker. The wind got faster and brought dark grey clouds with him. Lightning striked, thunder roared and the storm clouds poured rain through the night. For days the sky was grey and it kept on raining. The agony stayed inside Adam for days, he just couldn’t forget his evil deed.
It rained for over three days now, and the friends didn’t come together during that time. On the fourth day Adam went to the garage took his rod, grabbed his pocket knife and cut his wobbler off the fishing line. He opened the front door, looked at the grey clouds still pouring rain, counted to three and started running towards his friends house. The trip was full of slips and fall although they live a couple of meters apart. He knocked on the door and Andrew open the door to his friend, who know was all wet, muddy and had bruses on his knees from slipping.
“What’s the emergency ?,” asked Andrew.
“Can I first come inside?, “ Adam told Andrew, while still catching his breathe.
Andrew gave Adam a towel. After cleaning his face, Adam reached to his pocket, said “take it” and gave his wobbler to his surprised friend.
“Andrew, listen. That trout you had caught…It didn’t jump out from the bucket. It was me. I released him, because I was a selfish fool. So here, take my wobbler. I don’t deserve it.” Explained Adam with tears dropping from his eyes.
Andrew looked at the wobbler in this hand and his sad friend. He smiled:
“I may catch more fish with two wobblers, but it won’t be that fun without a friend like you.”
The boys shaked hands. Andrew gave back Adam his wobbler. Adam promised to never do it again. Andrew turned on the radio. It played some swell music and the boys enjoyed it. Suddenly the radio host announced the weather forecast. Tomorrow was expected to be sunny. The boys decided they would hit the stream again. But first Adam and Andrew went back to Adams garage to help Adam tie the wobbler back on his fishing line.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! Welcome to YWS! I'm new here as well. Hopefully we both get the hang of this soon!
The one major criticism I have for this story is how you jump tenses a lot. Your verbs don't really match with your subjects. For example, your line "The boys shaked hands" should really be "The boys shook hands"
Also your paragraphs should be one cohesive thought. Paragraph 1 should be one subject, while paragraph 2 should be a completely different one. I feel like your paragraphs jump from one idea to the next, when they could really be split into 2 or even 3 different paragraphs.
Overall I'm excited to see your writing develop and grow! Good luck!
Lilith
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
That having been said:
Thanks for sharing this story about two friends who go fishing and one of them behaves in a very selfish way. To his credit the boy had a conscience that bothered him until he had to make amends. The other boy is a good example of how we should forgive others-especially when they are sorry for what they did and apologize. I like the way that the storm goes along with what the boy was feeling-an inner storm or turmoil over his actions. Also how when the friendship is secure news of calm weather is announced. These might seem like small details to readers who are unaware of how mood is reinforced in literature via imagery. Nevertheless it will register subconsciously and enhance the reading experience.
Suggestions
Careful with staying in the past tense.
Please always use a spell-checker and proofread.
. . . . they live a couple of meters apart.
[A couple of meters is approx six feet. Several meters would be approx nine feet.]
Adam told Andrew, while still catching his breathe.
[Adam told Andrew, while still catching his [breath].]
The boys shaked hands.
[The boys [shook] hands.]
[. . . . who know was all wet . . . .]
[. . . . who was now all wet . . . .]
Lightning striked, . .. .
[Lightning struck, . . . .]
. . . . at home wathing over there . . . .
[. . . . at home watching over their . . . .]
[. . . . at the field in the middle . . . .
[. . . . in the middle of a field [,] . . . . ]
[. . . . named the Oaks[,]
. . . . both [nine] years old . . . .
. . . . full of slips and [falls]
. . . . bruses on his knees . . . .
[. . . . bruises on his knees . . . . ]
Looking forward to reading more of your stories.
Surrounded by forest, at the field in the middle there stood two houses divided by a dirt road. One of the houses belonged to a family, named the Oaks and the other belonged to the Wilsons. Mike Oak worked as a lumberjack in a lumber mill not far from home. Thomas Wilson was a farmer and grew corn on land he inherited from his father after his death. Alice Wilson spent the days at home wathing over there three year old daughter Molly. Mike’s wife Angela died a few years ago. But Mike had a son, named Andrew and so did Thomas and Alice – his name was Adam. The boys were both 9 years old and the best of friends.
It was late August in 1959[,] and one afternoon the boys were off to fish in the stream south of the forest. The sun was still shining[,] and the two could feel the warm wind blowing in their faces.
“ Well, Adam, I believe today were gonna catch a big one!,” said Andrew with hope and optimism.
“Say what you want pal, but I heard a news forecast on the radio – a storm is coming,” replied Adam.
The boys eventually reached their favorite fishing spot and started preparing their spinning rods.
“And here you go again with your “Lucky Star”,” Adam pointed to Andrew’s shiny tin wobbler.
“Yep, and it never failed me yet!,” replied Andrew.
“Hope he does today!,” chuckled Adam.
The two were fishing for a while, but fish were more interested in Andrew’s lore, than Adam’s. Adam only heard his friend say things like “nearly” or “alright this time it’s going to be it” while he had tough luck.
“Man, this is stupid! How come fish bite your lore, but I get nothing[?]” mumbled Adam.
“Come on Adam our lore’s are the same and this spot is always booming of fish. Just try casting it further, near those bigger rocks, but be careful,” explained Andrew.
“We were fishing here since we were five. How come you think you know this stream better than me?” Adam asked in an angry voice.
“I’m just trying to help. Ok, just relax let’s continue to fish,[”] said Andrew
“Yeah, whatever,” yet again mumbled Adam.
But as soon as he finished, Andrew caught something[,] and it seemed huge. Adam watched how his friend after a short struggle pulled out a fish – it was a trout. Andrew happily grabbed the fish and put in a bucket and shut it with a wooden lid.
“Boy that was fun! But now I’m going to take a brake, maybe look for something to eat. If you want you can fish in my place.,.[”] Andrew kindly declared to Adam.
As soon as Andrew was out of site, Adam took the lid off and glimpsed at the fish. It wasn’t the biggest trout, but it sure looked pretty. Something started bursting inside Adam. His friend suddenly turned into an enemy.
“He thinks he knows fishing better than me and the way he talks about his tin wobbler with such stupid pride. Well I’m going to show him.” Said Adam to himself, while putting his hand in the bucket.
He grabbed the trout and released him in to the stream. He watched as the trout swam deeper, while he felt quite happy. Soon after, Andrew returned.
“My dear friend your fish…it just jumped, jumped out of the bucket…you probably didn’t shut the lid hard enough…and I saw it, but it was to late,” lied Adam.
“Really?! Man this stinks! So dumb of me…Well anyway here I got you something” said Andrew in a frustrated voice and gave Adam an apple.
It was big, ripe and looked delicious. Before he took a bite off it, Adam glimpsed at his friend. He also had an apple, but it was smaller, had holes in it and it was looking more spoiled than Adam’s.
“ I went to the apple tree near the side of the field. A Lot of the apples were still unripe, but the one you got is great and I gave it to you since you didn’t catch anything.,.” explained Andrew
Now the little burst of anger and happiness turned to pain inside of Adam. Every bite he took of the apple, the more agony he felt. He couldn’t look at his friends eyes. He wanted to confess, but he couldn’t. The two eventually called it quits and started walking home.
“Man, if only I could have brought that trout home. I know it’s small, but I still think my dad would have liked it. He loves trouts, especially when I caught one and bring it to him…,”
The boys shook hands, said their goodbyes and went home. It was late and the sky was getting darker. The wind got faster and brought dark grey clouds with him. Lightning striked, thunder roared and the storm clouds poured rain through the night. For days the sky was grey and it kept on raining. The agony stayed inside Adam for days, he just couldn’t forget his evil deed.
It rained for over three days now, and the friends didn’t come together during that time. On the fourth day Adam went to the garage took his rod, grabbed his pocket knife and cut his wobbler off the fishing line. He opened the front door, looked at the grey clouds still pouring rain, counted to three and started running towards his friends house. The trip was full of slips and fall although they live a couple of meters apart. He knocked on the door and Andrew open the door to his friend, who know was all wet, muddy and had bruses on his knees from slipping.
“What’s the emergency ?,” asked Andrew.
“Can I first come inside?, “ Adam told Andrew, while still catching his breathe.
Andrew gave Adam a towel. After cleaning his face, Adam reached to his pocket, said “take it” and gave his wobbler to his surprised friend.
“Andrew, listen. That trout you had caught…It didn’t jump out from the bucket. It was me. I released him, because I was a selfish fool. So here, take my wobbler. I don’t deserve it.” Explained Adam with tears dropping from his eyes.
Andrew looked at the wobbler in this hand and his sad friend. He smiled:
“I may catch more fish with two wobblers, but it won’t be that fun without a friend like you.”
The boys shaked hands. Andrew gave back Adam his wobbler. Adam promised to never do it again. Andrew turned on the radio. It played some swell music and the boys enjoyed it. Suddenly the radio host announced the weather forecast. Tomorrow was expected to be sunny. The boys decided they would hit the stream again. But first Adam and Andrew went back to Adams garage to help Adam tie the wobbler back on his fishing line.