I'm kinda new at this poetry business, doing it for a contest (in real life, bother). Thanks for the CC, it really helps me (instead of just me guessing what was right).
When one asks you a question
And you can't find your voice
You try to make an objection
'cause you can't make a choice
Would a trick be your preferred
Or should your ways be finally deterred?
A duel rages in your head
For when you point the finger
The other would end up dead
And a bad taste would linger.
"I ought've made the latter!"
And give yourself a kicking to the head
It's done, you've chosen, what's the matter?
You created a fiction no apologies can mend
You wonder what would happen
Now that you've birthed a lie
The whole world you've sadden
You lost something hard to come by
Well, who knows? Nobody's a prophet
A lie might cost me an eyebrow
Or an eye might drop out of its socket
But one thing I know now-
It never comes back easy
To this you'd do good to believe me.
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Canary word: Present
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That's alright Via, already corrected it
Well anyways thanks for the CC, it really helps me cause I'm new to the poetry business, I'm usually the one who babbles on with technical writing.
I did read the poem out loud and it sounded ridiculous lol. I guess just rhyming isn't just what I have to worry about...Ha, it never comes easy.
I get the point, and it actually does seem interesting, but there are a few issues with the piece. First, I will second/third/fourth what everyone else has said. I will also add that, personally, I would suggest staying away from an entire poem written to 'you'. Do it with an I or to an undisclosed person, rather. The 'you' makes it very impersonal and hard to enjoy.
Also, there were a few lines that stuck out to me as having too many syllables. You really don't want to force a rhyme if it means you have to make the line sound awkward. The lines that particularly stuck out to me were....
If I didn't get the last part, it's probably because it was a good poem.
I think I got the first part, and it seemed good. The ryhming was good, but in other places it was forced.
The rhyming was good, but my largest problem with it was that I'm not even entirely sure what you were writing about... It's kind of vague, telling, but not direct. Everyone else has seemed to say a lot, so I'm not sure how much I can really say. I'd clean up the meaning, so that you know your reader is understanding it how you want them to. Otherwise, listen to everyone else
I really liked this, though I agree with Tess, much of the poem's rhyming was quite forced.
Forced rhyming always does no good for the poem's flow in reading, especially out loud. Always read your poem out loud, because the way you read it out loud is the way the readers reads it, een if they don't read it out loud. When reading out loud, ask yourself.. did I stumble over words? Does anything feel forced or choppy? This seriously helps in editing your poem. If you want the poem to win the contest, you need to edit it greatly to make it flow.
I liked this as an opening, but I feel like a punctuation mark is needed at the end of the second line (a comma, maybe?). In the third and fourth lines, you repeat 'make' twice, which makes it feel repetitive and choppy. Try replacing one or both of the 'make's with a different word. Use the thesaurus, it really helps. Moving on to the next few lines, you might need a punctuation mark at the end of the fourth line also.
I did not understand these few lines in the poem. It left me with too many questions. I feel like there's something I'm not seeing or understanding here. Why would a trick be preferred? I understand that 'pointing your finger' means blaming someone for something, but I did not understand what was being blamed. And what would end up dead? The other finger? Clearing up the unknown things in this poem would seriously help the reader understand what, exactly, is going on.
Again, the rhyming seems forced. Not all poems have to rhyme! =) You can try putting your point across without rhyming.
At this point I have the feeling that this poem is about turning in or deciding a work you've done, and having regretted choosing that one afterwards. I still do not understand fully, however.
The first line seems repeated, because the second line in the stanza before it sounds nearly the same. Again, replace it with something more detailed or interesting.
The word 'birthed' seems wrong here, I have no idea why, but it feels misplaced.
The third line also seems forced into rhyming. It is not grammatically correct, either. Also, I ask more questions. Why did you make the whole world sad?
The ending is also confusing. Why lose an eyebrow? The eye out of the socket? If you have any questions, PM me and I'll clear things up.
Always remember to read out loud! =)
Mel
OK...
It seems like you have an interesting point to put across in this poem, a poem which is very close to my heart, actually. Yet still, I feel like much of this poem has been forced, especially in a way to rhyme. I know that you've done it fairly well, but pieces such as:
Seem quite forced. And;
This seems like it's there merely for rhyming sake. I'm all for rhyming, as long as it fits the flow of the poem.
Your poem seems to halt quite a lot to make way for your rhyming words.
Again, you have a good point to make, but pay more attention to how the words flow off your tongue (yes, say your poem out loud) then if they rhyme or not. Also think about the impact of your words on the reader--you have a well-thought point, so word it well.