Your Pretty Ponies have
lost their hooves
so you can torture
another pet.
You are a treadmill, because
I'm running to stay in place.
I am not a jackass either,
even when you poke me with
a stick and make me follow
a carrot.
I am drowning in a puddle
of glue so shallow
and so vain.
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Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Kit, I feel like a book right now.
Well uh, to make things clear glue is made out of horse hooves. And the treadmill is because he tries to run away from her and he can't, he's staying in place. He feels like an obedient donkey.
I hope that helps.
I disagree with everyone before me.
(No, really, Kit? however could that be?)
Yes, sharper focus would help this, probably if you got rid of the treadmill, you'd have clearer equine imagery, it does kind of throw you, but there are interesting things within this, I like your concept. I like your Cindy Sherman-like grotesque plaything you have going, it's luscious. I like that you're not saccharine didactic.
The meaning I got from this was the human race as consumers, as abusers, of the idea of glue on a My Little Pony toy, that you kill one horse to make another, which in turn is defenceless to abuse, that human love is exploitative, opportunistic, selfish. Am I wrong?
I have to agree with the two above -- I'm not quite sure what you're trying to convey here.
I think you're biggest problem is that the metaphors you have don't connect in any way your reader can understand.
My suggestion would be to write down what you want to convey -- what emotion, reaction, image, whatever it may be. Then, figure out what metaphors you want to use, and how to connect them/how they're connected to what you want to convey. Then, and only then, write. Sure, it doesn't always work that way, but you have your idea, now organise your thoughts! Take what you have, and make it better.
Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
Mesh
I don't get it too. It's like a soldier carrying an AK-47 fighting a gladiator carrying a sword riding on a giant dragon in the world of Apocalyptic Future where vampires and werewolves are the top predators that exist in the Planet Zenobian. At least that what I felt after reading your poem. On the good side, the rhymes are okay. Please try to improve this and focus on only one idea.
Hi Rjjr.
Hmm, this is very...odd? To be honest I have no idea whats going on. I think it bounces around too much...you go from ponies to treadmills to ..donkies? to drowing to glue and there is no transition between them...no even hint to what links them together. Plus all these things are presented but the whole poem is only 13 lines long! I would pick two or three and stick with them...but definitely connect them! Right now this is really just rambles because the reader doesn't have the slightest clue of what this is about. I know YOU probably know what it's about...and that's sometimes the hard part about poetry--explaining it to other people without really explaining it.
Happy Editing!