I love ur work.It didn't fail to impress me because I am a fan of rhymes. I will also not leave out the flows in your poem as it didn't fail to communicate your emotions.Great work poet. The best of you is what I await.
I loved the smile that everyone embraced,
I loved the face that everyone chaised ,
I loved the hair that gave me the comforting shade,
With lots of compassion that one can never evade.
I loved the touch of the silky soft hands,
that coupled my broken heart with the soothing word bands.
I loved the voice that came from the gob,
every word from which came as a blessing,
turning me into the man, who will never sob.
I loved the moments that quickly turned to memories,
that once filled my life with hope.
But alas ! it came out to be desire,
that were actually silent storms of shadowy fire,
burnt me from inside such that
nothing can raise the pain any higher,
leaving me with a smile that I wore as an attire.
I love ur work.It didn't fail to impress me because I am a fan of rhymes. I will also not leave out the flows in your poem as it didn't fail to communicate your emotions.Great work poet. The best of you is what I await.
Salutations!
Your poem was okay! It was nice to read, but I think there's much you can do to unearth all the potential still hidden away within this. I review poetry rather technically, but since this poem is simple and easy to understand, there isn't much analysis required to understand its meaning.
Let's start with the title! In your poem itself, you use proper punctuation and grammar, which includes using article and capitalising your first person singular pronouns. Why, then, didn't you do this in the title? It's rarely a good idea not to capitalise "I", even in free verse poetry, and when you do it everywhere but the title, it's somewhat confusing. Also, there's nothing wrong with "The Smile I Loved", since articles are entirely acceptable in titles. Also notice how I used what's called title case here. It entails capitalising all words except articles, conjunctions, and propositions (though longer ones may be treated as exceptions), and it's, as the name suggests, generally applied to titles. It's an aesthetic thing, really.
Now, for your poem itself! Why did you include a random one at the start? It gives the reader the impression you'll be posting mutliple poems in one go, or that you'll number stanzas, which, although unorthodox, is allowed in free verse. Instead, this one seems to serve no purpose. If it was just a typo like "chaise", I could easily ignore it, but here, I'm left wondering what prompted you to put it there in the first place.
As a general rule in poetry, metre — that is, the flow and rhythm of the text — is extremely important. Even if it's not constant, which it has to be in poems following a certain format, it needs to be natural. Long lines tend to hamper that, which is evident here. What's also evident is that you lack structure. Your metre is all over the place, with some lines being long, while others are short. The length is random, and unless your poem calls for that, it's something to address. In this case, making your lines shorter and more even is the way to go.
Having said that, you can start by trying to making your lines more concise. "That" is one of the words most easily ditched, and I highly recommend doing that for your two opening lines. For your third line, for example, it would be impractical, but I recommend rephrasing it in any case (you can't split it into two shorter sentences, since it's only one clause); something like "I loved the hair and its comforting shade" would work well.
Continuing with what I'd consider the first "stanza" (the whole poem consists of only one stanza, but the first four lines make a cohesive unit, which is what I'm trying to reference), I subjectively feel it would have been better if you had persisted in your repetition of "I loved the". Repetition is a powerful tool, and since you'd already started using it, why not follow through? Below is an example of an alternative version of the first four lines, taking into account everything I've mentioned thus far.
I loved the smile everyone embraced
I loved the face everyone chased
I loved the hair and its comforting shade
I love the compassion I couldn't evade
I'll start off by saying this piece is written quite nicely! I especially like the line "that were actually silent storms of shadowy fire" (that reminded me of the book Shadow Fires by Dean Koontz) i believe there is a grammar issue in line 2 "chaised" should be "chased" but other than that I could see no errors in that department. I personally feel there were a couple lines you could split up to make it flow a bit better such as "that coupled my broken heart with the soothing word bands" could instead be
"That coupled my broken heart
With soothing word bands"
And I also feel like there were a few unnecessary "the" that appeared and threw the rhythm off at some points, you could probably take the out of "I loved the hair that gave me the comforting shade" before the word comforting. Other than those few things I think your poem was really nice and I enjoyed it very much
Well written, i must say. Thoughts are perfectly put into wordings and that makes a good poet. I personally loved it. especially the last 5 lines changed my whole perspective about the poem. Wishing you luck. keep writing. cheers!
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