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The journey

by Riya95


From the pockets of a shiny leather wallet, 

I landed into a tattered cap on the roadside,

From the feeble old grey hands, i was passed into the coarse hands of the tea seller.

I remained in his tattered pockets till nightfall,

When i went into small soft hands caressing me with affection.

That night was spent in bliss under her pillow,

Until I was then taken into the bright sunshine, where cars honk and people chatter constantly,

I had just begun to enjoy when the inevitable happened,

I slipped from her hands and kept rolling and rolling,

Until i was surrounded by complete darkness.

The poor ONE RUPEE COIN had fallen into the manhole.

    


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61 Reviews


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Thu Nov 16, 2017 8:33 pm
StuckOnEarth wrote a review...



Hi! I tapped on this poem because it looked interesting, and I was not disappointed.
I love the detail, and the story doesn't seem like something that would be that interesting upon other circumstances, but you successfully achieved making it an interesting and captivating poem.

A few lines that I especially enjoyed were "coarse hands of the tea seller", "feeble old gray hands", and "bliss under her pillow".
It is very important to write something like this from the point of view of the protagonist, which in this case happens to be a coin. Being an inanimate object, a protagonist like this must have a specific point of view which you successfully described.

Only one flaw I saw in this poem was the end. The beginning seemed very well-detailed and ornate, while the one line seemed to be too much and not explained as well. This line was "until I was then taken into the bright sunshine, where cars honk and people chatter constantly."
You could've improved this, but other then that, I found this poem quirky and enjoyable, with great detail and imagery.

Good job!

-Space




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Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:50 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Thanks for sharing the very imaginative short story in a poetry format. I love the way that a coin is personified and portrayed as speaking about its experiences. Especially how it is touched by the girl's soft hands and spends the night comfortably under her pillow. I also like how you skillfully use adjectives to create imagery. So your command of language is impressive and as a reader kept my attention focused. As for meaning, the whole poem can be understood as a symbol of the nature of human life with its unexpected blessings and sudden misfortunes.


Suggestions:

I would describe the first mention of hands in a less bizarre way by not using the color gray. It's hard to imagine a living person with such hands no matter how old unless the person is stricken with leprosy or some other dermatological disease.

Also the shift from capitalizing "I" to not capitalizing it was distracting. The reader asks himself why.

The fourth line reads better with "then" instead of "when".

The last line suddenly shifts from first person singular POV to omniscient POV in an effort to explain what is involved. That is a shift from showing to telling. Better to stay with the first person singular POV. It can be done the following way:

"I, the poor one rupee coin, had fallen into a manhole."

That would retain POV consistency.



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Riya95 says...


Thank you very much for your amazing review. I would keeo your pointers in mind for my next work.



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Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:50 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Riya95! Welcome to YWS! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
From the pockets of a shiny leather wallet, {In the poem, this line is centered. Don't center it}

I landed into a tattered cap on the roadside,

From the feeble old grey hands, {I} was passed into the coarse hands of {a} tea seller.

I remained in his tattered pockets {'}till nightfall,

When {I} went into small soft hands caressing me with affection.

That night was spent in bliss under her pillow,

Until I was then taken into the bright sunshine, where cars honk and people chatter constantly,

{That} I had just begun to enjoy when the inevitable happened,

I slipped from her hands and kept rolling and rolling,

Until i was surrounded by complete darkness.

The poor {rupee coin} had fallen into the manhole. {You suddenly switch points of view from first to third. Change this. Also, manholes are covered. I think you mean drain.}


My interpretation:



A fun poem about a rupee coin's journey.

Overall:



I liked, but the point of view could be worked on (as well as the flow). Your flow isn't the best but of course you just joined, so you probably are amateur. Don't worry, I am too :wink: we can always get better, you know. Keep up the great work!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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Riya95 says...


Thank you very much for your amazing review. I would keeo your pointers in mind for my next work.



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Wed Nov 15, 2017 1:46 pm
Mahvash wrote a review...



Hello. It's Mahvash here. I hope you are having a fantastic life.

This poem is such an amazing piece of writing that the reader gets stunned for a while on the poet's observation. I must say that you observe very keenly and your imagination is also worth the praise. The journey goes pretty good but gets gloomy in the end and no doubt that you have made the ending quite twisting.

You have done such a great job. Amazing piece of poetry. *Claps and Whistles*
:) Keep up this good work.



Random avatar
Riya95 says...


Thank you very much for your amazing review.




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Writing is my soul made tangible on paper.
— bluewaterlily