16+ Language Violence

The Tale of Souls - Prologue and Chapter One

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Prologue

Morning creeps up over a windswept prairie. Tall, sweet prairie grass shimmers in the sunlight as the sun rises higher above into the flat, blue sky, streaked with a few sparse wisps of white cloud. Down below, brown huts made of mud and thatched with dried grass dot the plain in a round cluster. A network of footpaths trail between the largest buildings and between pens of sheep and goats and lean horses flicking their tails in the shade of barns with walls made of stones. Fields of grain paling into browns and golds sway between the outermost homes in a steady wind.

A woman is bent over in one of the sprawling vegetable gardens, strands of her dark hair clinging damp to the back of her sun-browned neck. Shoots of grass grown up between the vegetable rows brush against her shins where her coarse skirt, the color of dry dirt, has been hiked up to almost her knees with a bit of cord. She squints in the sunlight and creases form at the corners of her eyes as she plucks fat, green caterpillars from tomato stems and drops them into a basket. A young man in a white shirt that ripples in the strong breeze works beside her, sharing the basket. A child’s short shriek followed by a splash makes the woman look up to the road. Just across it, two young boys are fishing a third, smaller one out of the creek. Their mother is walking quickly over, bunching up the hem of her skirt in her hand to dry the boy’s face. The woman in the garden turns her attention back down to her work.

Not but a few moments pass before another shriek, distant and multiplying, carries in from the outskirts of the village, followed by the sound of pounding hooves and carts tumbling. A woman comes running from around one of the huts with the sounds on her heels, trailing a child behind her by the hand. "Nadie-vaho! They're here!" Everyone in the gardens is already running or else turning to.

A tall horseman in a copper chestplate and leather armor gallops into the street in a cloud of dust and reins up. He tosses a burning torch onto the roof of the nearest hut and draws his short sword with a ring as the thatching lights and sends up smoke. He digs his heels into his horse's sides, drunken gaze leveled on the scattering villagers and hooves beat again on the dirt. Half a dozen more join him from the sides, jumping stick-and-twine fences and scattering goats. One of them kicks the dark haired woman down as he passes and the next tramples her under his horse. By the time the village men have gathered their slaughter knives and sickles, the attackers are gone. Seven people are dead and half the village is burning.

Chapter One

Harnon lolled on the delicate quilts that made up his bed. He didn't want to get up today, not when he knew Falembaifar wished to speak with him. He blinked at the cotton cloth above him that shielded him from the eyes of others before finally giving in to his sense of duty and rising for the day. After dressing in his fur-lined tunic and trousers, Harnon stepped foot into the light of day.
Dawn had come.
The previous nights in the North had seemed restless and more than a few were ill at ease with this particular site, so close to the land of the Misericords. But he didn't mind. The Misericords wished to live in peace; no trouble would come from the Chieftains as long as he lived.
"Harnon!" a young Hybrid woman called. "Get over here! I've had breakfast ready for a half-hour." She sat on a stool next to a small fire, over which a pot was hanging from a stand. The Hybrid motioned to another stool beside her.
"Coming, Astoria," Harnon answered diligently. "What kind is it?"
"Beef, wild garlic, and onion, with a few of the carrots we bought in Owl Tree a few days ago," the Hybrid answered.
As she prepared Harnon a small bowl, he looked her over. There was a scar over her left eye from a goblin attack several years ago, some smaller ones scattered across her body. Her elegant, longer ears ended in slight curves-- from her Elven mother. Her dark blood-red hair opposed her right leaf-green eyes, and her pale cheek glistened in the pale light flickering through the trees.
"Here," she said suddenly, handing him a wooden bowl with a small serving spoon. "I may or may not have added a bit of dark ale to give it some kick."
"And I'm guessing you may or may not have stolen it from those greedy merchants in Owl Tree after they decided to scam you?" Harnon replied, a small glint in his eyes.
"Maybe. Maybe not. The gods know they deserved it either way."
Harnon chuckled in reply, "At least you weren't caught." A pause. "...you weren't caught, right?"
"Eh... I escaped before they called their mercenaries from the East if that's what you mean."
The Chieftain rolled his eyes. "You're as bad as Sílriel sometimes, you know that?"
"At least my father's not overbearing and a shrew, but instead six feet under in a box of pine."
"...you do know he's my cousin, right?"
"Yeah, like... five million generations ago!"
"More like... my great-great-great-great-grandfather's, second son's son."
"So?" Astoria asked.
"So, he's never going to die," Harnon said. "And, no, we're not killing him!"
The Hybrid pretended to pout. "You're mean, not letting me kill who I want anymore."
"No, I'm just the responsible one."
"Which makes me the fun one!"
Harnon sighed. "I love you."
"I know."
"...you're still not saying it back?"
"No, Harnon," Astoria said a little more seriously. "I don't want to say it out where someone that doesn't need to might hear it."
"Are the two of you done squawking like the tiny songbirds you are or am I going to have to drag Harnon to see my father," a third voice disrupted.

"Exactly!" Astoria said as if to prove her point.
"Sílriel already knew," Harnon protested. "She's the one that got us together, remember?"
"I'm still here," the Light Elf said in a sing-song voice.
Harnon sighed. "Fine," he groaned. "I'm coming..."
The Chieftain stood, stew in hand, and followed Sílriel into part of the forest, near a mighty river. "He's in a mood today," she warned. "He's being particularly cryptic."
"Falembaifar is always cryptic," Harnon replied quietly. "No one ever understands a word he says."
"The Seers do."
"I'm no Seer."
It was Sílriel's turn to sigh. "Just... be patient with him."
"I always am."
~~~
"Harnon." The Elf King greeted the Chieftain with his head held high, bony face looking at a nesting eagle in one of the many cottonwoods. "I trust you are well?"
"I am, King," the human answered. "And how do you fare?"
"Well... for the time being. Walk with me."
Falembifair was tall, even compared to the towering Harnon. He was, even by Even standards, dangerously thin. His dark eyes were unnatural for Light Elves, as was his paler skin. Sílriel's looks came from her tan, bright-eyed mother-- may she rest in peace.
"You must be wondering why I have sought this meeting," the King said at last as they started down the rocky road southwards.
"I am," Harnon answered.
The King took a deep breath. "Trouble is coming, son of Himlben. The South is being disrupted by foreigners. You have respected the wishes of the Misericords and remained neutral, but your neutrality cannot last."
Harnon felt his mouth become dry as he realized what the Elf was saying. "I will not go to war and cost more lives than necessary."
"Riders will be coming to you soon. Messengers. I suggest that you heed their words, Chieftain. Your hand will be forced before long."

"My hand can't be forced," the human replied. "I'm careful."

The Elf King stopped, eyes looking into Harnon's. "Yes, Chieftain... too careful. And that will either save you... or destroy you."
And with that, Falembaifar disappeared.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
starlitmind
Review

HEY DON'T MIND ME JUST REVIEWING ALL OF YOUR STUFF <3

Morning creeps up over a windswept prairie. Tall, sweet prairie grass shimmers in the sunlight as the sun rises higher above into the flat, blue sky, streaked with a few sparse wisps of white cloud.


Omg such a beautiful opening description!!! <3 Personally, I wouldn't repeat "prairie" so close together, but I think this is a lovely opening that sets up the setting and mood c:

OH and it's present tense, that's fun!

The descriptions in the second paragraph are quite vivid, and I can picture the image so clearly. I love how there's a bit of extra details, like the child's shriek, I thought that was a neat part!

"Nadie-vaho! They're here!" Everyone in the gardens is already running or else turning to.


Oh gosh, the mood switched so quickly, what is happening 0.0

Seven people are dead and half the village is burning.


That was such an intense opening! I love the false sense of security the beginning paragraphs take; I thought this prologue was going to be a nice, sweet, soft day but then out of nowhere, death comes. It took me by surprise, and I thought that made it fun and super interesting! Wow, that was rough, poor village >.< a very gripping opening though c:

"Harnon!" a young Hybrid woman called.


This world is already so interesting omg. A Hybrid woman? And it's capitalized? Ooh, I'm intrigued

"Coming, Astoria," Harnon answered diligently. "What kind is it?"

"Beef, wild garlic, and onion, with a few of the carrots we bought in Owl Tree a few days ago," the Hybrid answered.


Again, I personally would avoid the repetition, but it's totallyup to whoever wrote this part xD

"And I'm guessing you may or may not have stolen it from those greedy merchants in Owl Tree after they decided to scam you?" Harnon replied, a small glint in his eyes.

"Maybe. Maybe not. The gods know they deserved it either way."


Oof >.>

"Eh... I escaped before they called their mercenaries from the East if that's what you mean."


ASTORIA IS AWESOME LOL

"No, Harnon," Astoria said a little more seriously. "I don't want to say it out where someone that doesn't need to might hear it."


Ooh, then how come she's okay with Harnon saying it? Wouldn't it be the same thing if someone heard it from either of them? Just a thought cx

"Falembaifar is always cryptic," Harnon replied quietly. "No one ever understands a word he says."


So we've already gotten so many little clues and hints about Falembaifar but haven't met him yet, so that makes him even more mysterious and me even more interested!

The South is being disrupted by foreigners. You have respected the wishes of the Misericords and remained neutral, but your neutrality cannot last."


Omg no, are we going to have to go to war? AHHH okay but I'm not surprised, as usually stories that have multiple kinds of creatures are the ones that usually involve wars xD

And with that, Falembaifar disappeared.


I would love to know him a bit more! I mean, obviously, you don't have to reveal everything about him right away cx but I felt like the meeting was a bit quick? I love the beginning, and I love the ending part, but I don feel the end was a teeny tiny bit rushed. Perhaps you could do something like add a tiny detail about the King? Perhaps you could describe a story that involves him and might reveal something about his personality / who he is. Or really, you could elaborate on his disappearance (description wise; did he disappear with a puff of smoke or glitter? xD did he snap his fingers, or did he just disappear). I don't know, it's up to you two! I just thought I'd leave some of my own thoughts c:

First chapter, and we already have troubling news of war >.< The Chieftain says he's trying to remain neutral, but I'm pretty sure we all know how that's going to go xD I'm super curious about what the war is about! I'm sure we'll find out soon enough, but I am interested.

happy writing to you both!!!! c: <333

I will write a proper reply at home xD

User avatar
MissGangamash
Review

Hello! Here for a review!

I've just seen your comment saying that you can't get the piece to centre. It shouldn't be centred anyway, that's not how you format prose.

I really loved the prologue. Your descriptions were beautiful and I could see everything really clearly. I particularly loved the line - 'Their mother is walking quickly over, bunching up the hem of her skirt in her hand to dry the boy’s face.' I just think it was such an easy way of describing that action without it being over-wordy.

However, when we got into the chapter, that's why I think you're writing suffers a bit. It is very obvious that you are trying to shove as much exposition as you can, to the point where it makes the scene seems muddled and jarring.

From the beginning of the chapter, there not really much setting the scene. This is definitely your what you are strongest at, from what I've read so far, and the lack of it makes the chapter a bit dull. Even the part with the King, you mention he's looking at a nesting eagle - which is very specific - yet I have no idea where they are so I can't picture it. Skipping over the transition from one scene to the next also jeopardises the flow of the story. Is the King far away from where Harnon previously was? Did he have to go on a journey or was he next door?

I can tell from the conversation between Harnon and Astoria that you are trying to show that they are in love but it's possibly a secret(?) or maybe frowned upon(?), but I think this could just be explained in the narration rather than through the stilted dialogue.

You are good at writing character's physical description, I enjoyed those parts.

It's difficult when writing fantasy to write exposition without it seeming too info-dumpy. It takes a lot of practice.

Hope this helps!

The chapter and the spaces with "____" were supposed to center; the rest was not, but I couldn't get it to go back to being left-aligned.

@Stringbean will be very happy with your review of her Prologue!

I've never been the best with transitions. As an RPer, I've become accustomed to simple timeskips. Dialogue, in my opinion at least, tends to be a better way to contribute to a story than just simply writing prose with a variety of detail.

Thank you for your review!

User avatar
brotherGeo
Review

Hello Comrade!
I don't have to much to add problem wise, but i'll point a few things out.
Overall really well written, and the flow of the text is excellent. i'm interested in seeing what happens next.

Morning creeps up over a windswept prairie. Tall, sweet prairie grass shimmers in the sunlight as the sun rises higher above into the flat, blue sky, streaked with a few sparse wisps of white cloud. Down below, brown huts made of mud and thatched with dried grass dot the plain in a round cluster. A network of footpaths trail between the largest buildings and between pens of sheep and goats and lean horses flicking their tails in the shade of barns with walls made of stones. Fields of grain paling into browns and golds sway between the outermost homes in a steady wind.


Excellent first paragraph, very descriptive with only a few errors here and there. my problem with this relates to the entire prologue and first chapter. the difference in description between the prologue and the first chapter is massive, you poured so much description into the prologue but there is barley any in the chapter. not really a problem but i'd thought i'd address it anyway.

"Maybe. Maybe not. The gods know they deserved it either way."

Harnon chuckled in reply, "At least you weren't caught." A pause. "...you weren't caught, right?"

"Eh... I escaped before they called their mercenaries from the East if that's what you mean."

The Chieftain rolled his eyes. "You're as bad as Sílriel sometimes, you know that?"

"At least my father's not overbearing and a shrew, but instead six feet under in a box of pine."


The dialogue is great it feels very natural and the characters are interesting and realistic. however there is too much dialogue and too little in between description. you could add little bits of info or description in between the dialogue to spice things up. you do have things the characters do in between which is great but a little more would make it much better.

Another thing is that I don't know what these people look like, if you could lay the foundations for what they look like the reader can picture them in their head but going from nothing isn't so good. Also describing what they look like may help people to recognise who is who and adding more description of their features would make them easier to track, i got confused trying to follow only names.

Other than that an excellent story and i'm looking forward to see what happens next!
Keep Writing!
-brotherGeo

This is actually a piece Vilnius and I are working on together; he wrote chapter one and I wrote the prologue, so I'll just jump into the comments here :P

Thanks for your review! This is helpful c:

So, first, the reason for the dramatic variation in writing style/description is, like I said, that he wrote one part and I wrote the other. We definitely have different strengths and focuses in our writing! XD

It's good to know how a reader reacts to that though! I think we'll probably work at some point on blending the overall style a little more as part of revision? We'll talk about it XD

User avatar
MaybeAndrew
Review

Hey! Andrew here with your review.
Overall this is very well written, the characters are believable and it has a very classic magical fantasy feeling. I am excited to see where it goes. But to specifics!

Morning creeps up over a windswept prairie. Tall, sweet prairie grass shimmers in the sunlight as the sun rises higher above into the flat, blue sky, streaked with a few sparse wisps of white cloud

In that first sentence it is established its a prairie so you don't need to say prairie grass, just call it grass! (:
A network of footpaths trail between the largest buildings and between pens of sheep and goats and lean horses flicking their tails in the shade of barns with walls made of stones.

'Between' doesn't need to be there twice. Also, this sentence is long and hard to follow and a little long. I would advise splitting the rest of it into multiple sentences or changing the wording.
By the time the village men have gathered their slaughter knives and sickles, the attackers are gone.

This should get its own paragraph
I do like the prologue, it's description are vivid and surreal, but much of it is a little hard to follow.
I have little to critique about the first chapter. I am interested in why you decided to do present tense in the prologue, but past in the first chapter? Was it to achieve that surreal feeling?
A minor critique I do have about the first chapter is how minimal the description are. It's almost all dialogue, and I would like to have a picture in my head of where these characters are!
Maybe it was just me, but it also took me a while to figure out that Harnon was the chieftain, especially since no hint of his age is ever given.
But that's all just my two cents!
I really enjoyed this, a good example of some calm before the storm, I'm excited to see where we are going!
Thanks, And keep writing.

Thanks for your review!

@Stringbean felt that the Prologue needed to be a bit different. I personally reread it in past-tense, but didn't get the same feelings that I did in present tense.

Regarding the chapter, descriptions are coming! They'll definitely be more detailed when we have the messengers come.

(I'm just going to jump into here too lol)

Thanks, Andrew for your review and specifics!

I agree with all your suggestions for the prologue. The first couple I hadn't even noticed lol. As for setting off the very last bit in a separate paragraph, I really like that idea. I think it makes it a little more dramatic, with a bit of a punch ending to mimic the jarring effect of the attack on the villagers, so I'll be doing that in the the next revision! I'll also go back over it and pay attention to the parts that are harder to follow.

Ah, and the reason I did the prologue in present tense was, yes, primarily for that sense that you got out of it, and also partly to distinguish it from the rest of the story; it's not really about any specific character, so I don't want it to be confusing why this particular scene is never brought directly back into the narration. I'm hoping the change in tenses will be a sort of indication to the reader that this is something a bit separate from the rest if that makes sense. But primarily it was for the effect-- I felt it read better in present.

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Riverlight
Comment

...okay, for some reason, it's not properly being centered. Don't know how to fix that.



Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic