hot chocolate
By River Shields
swirling chaos of our world
a cup of hot chocolate
swirly chocolate chaos
but upon all this are Marshmallows
the few people in our world who think differently
but many things can make you melt
into the chocolate mess
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,862 Reviews
Hello there and welcome to YWS
.
I love this poem. I nearly gave you a standing ovation but I am not in the right place to do that. I loved how this poem, even though it was short, intertwined real life with the simple swirling of the hot chocolate.. You nailed it. I could also imagine myself swirling around in that mug, but I think I was the marshmallow
Good job hey.
Ziggie
Hey River! Welcome to YWS!
). I loved the idea of the marshmallows being the few individuals who think differently while most people are like 'sheep' that 'melt into the chocolate mess' - that certainly made me think. I liked this innovative symbolism and how you tied your imagery to some sort of a theme as well.
So...this was a sweet analogy (pardon the pun). It was short, like a mug of hot chocolate, devoured easily in one sitting. It's interesting that you say chaos of the world = the hot chocolate swirls, since to me, the swirls look pretty and sort of smooth and symmetrical - not really all that chaotic (but maybe that's because it's been some time since I had hot chocolate
You may like to rethink your capitalisation, though. I don't see the need to capitalise World or Marshmallows, actually. In fact, I'm all for not capitalising the whole poem, since that would help get across the idea of chaos even better. Actually, on second thought, I've changed my mind: you know what I liked about those marshmallows (nom nom)? It was actually the very fact that the 'm' was capitalised - sort of like visually making the word Marshmallow higher than all the other words in the poem to make it stand out more, just like the creatively-thinking people do. So...keep that, but all the rest (including the start of lines) could be made to be in lower case. Just try it and see!
Also, a quick word on punctuation. While it's fine to let the content of the poem (chaos etc) dictate the structure (and, I guess, the grammar and punctuation), there's a bit of a line between getting across the idea of chaos, and making something so chaotic that it's hard to understand. Now, I'm not going to push the idea of commas and semicolons too much, since I tend to see past those into what you're actually saying, but I think a healthy dash of punctuation could not go amiss in this poem. It will add to it all the more.
Anyway, a cute read. PM me if you have any problems, okay? ^^