My eyes open then close
I toss and turn trying to escape
Then all at one its over
I am away from the world
Then I enter my world of dreams
Some of them safe ones
With a million smiling faces
As of nothing ever happened
I feel myself joining them
Then there are the dangerous ones
Where everything crumbles and falls apart
Where no one smiles
Their faces are grim
Their eyes have no light
And even though I am somwhere else
I can feel myself getting colder
Then I leave my world
And face this one
Where things are both safe and dangerous
All at the same time
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,855 Reviews
Would like to just point out that it is totally ok to capitalise in a poem, if you want to
Welcome to YWS, river! I'll be your reviewer for today (: First of all we'll have to work on your use of punctuation and capitalization. You don't need to capitalize everything in a poem unless you have punctuation and it makes sense.
Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem. Nicely done. If you have any questions just PM me. Keep writing!
Hi River,
I think your poem has loads of potential, I love the story, and I love a lot of the imagery as well.
You can take this or leave it, but one thing I'd say is leave out the word 'then', in the first stanza it works really well, and fits in there. However in the other uses, it is at the beginning of the lines and I don't think this works so well. It doesn't need to be there at all. The beginning of the poem, and the ending are flawless as far as I'm concerned.
The flow is great, and I love the simplicity of it, you're telling a story everyone can relate to.
Hey there! Welcome to YWS! If you need any help with anything, just drop me or any other green-ling a PM!
So, this was really fun to read. It was cute and adorable, and vague. However, it seems to be vague in a good way. It allows me to relate my own personal experiences in with what you're saying, and think while I'm actually reading the poem.
Quotes 'N' Comments
These two quotes have one thing in common: they summarize the lines to come before they even happen. You might as well just delete the lines that follow if you are going to add these two in here. Instead of telling us what is going on, paint a picture for us of these good and bad dreams. Use words like 'nightmare' or 'happy' to describe the contrast between these dreams. The way it is now is a bit boring.
Story
Your poem reminds me of a story I was going to write about a girl who vanishes into her own dream world. Anyways, what I don't understand is that you went in a full circle, except the circle kind of turns into a crescent because you skip something and go right back to the beginning. In the first and second stanzas you say that you have escaped into the dream world, okay that's fine. Then in the last stanza you go on to say that you are now leaving your dream world. You can see why I would be confused by this. Choose one. I think that having your speaker enter the dream at the end is good because you could just have the beginning be the speaker thinking about what they might encounter in their dream. But this your poem, do it the way you want to, just fix the little crescent thingy, or explain why you did it more thoughtfully in your poem.
Theme
As I said before, I really like this. I think that you have addressed a good theme. Now, the only thing I have to say is that no message is really conveyed here. It's just a poem about a girl talking about her dreams, but she really doesn't give an opinion on it. She says that they are safe and dangerous, but we already know that as human beings that have dreams. What you need to do now is come to some sort of conclusion about how you feel about these dreams, and then I think your idea and poem will be complete.
Keep writing,
Classy